1 - 20 of 31 Works by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat) in Homestuck
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Relationships and Culture In Locusta Astralis (A Field Study) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
13 Mar 2025
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“So,” Jade says, marching on ahead with her list like a determined little artilleripper, tapping at her papers. “The…Dark Carnival.” She sounds it out every part one after the other, ‘fatal-funny cullpit of the messiahs’, like how a corpse dismembered and all laid out turns into pieces instead of a whole troll.
“Dark Carnival,” you say, putting the corpse back together to show her, fast and fluid how it’s supposed to flow.
“Dark Carnival,” Jade repeats after you, choking just a little on the shift of chirr into click. “Okay! Say me what does that mean?”
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A diplomatic voyage of xenosociological discovery and awkward flirting takes place in Karkat's shitty living room, heavily backdropped by only the finest of cross-species anatomy textbooks, shitty Alternian cocktails, and schlocky Alternian romance movies.Series
- Part 3 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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When you've pictured hunting Gamzee down in this new world and kicking his scrawny ass, somehow you've always imagined it in some ill-gotten highblood megahive somewhere. That you'd find him living in squalorous luxury like any entitled highblood on Alternia, scheming and plotting.
The picture you got sent is of a flat gray beach, no hive in sight. Just a blurry figure with a mane of wild hair and curving horns, half-hidden behind a rock in front of an angry, stone-grey ocean. And now, all of a sudden, the word feral is back in your thinkpan and it won't come out.
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==> Gamzee: How the fuck did you end up in the Conciliatrium of His Triumphant Ascendance?
Motherfucker that is exactly what you headed out today to find out.
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(An imported Choose Your Own Adventure from my pale porn tumblr, compiled here for ease of browsing) -
Lost And Found (In Translation) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
30 Aug 2023
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“Guys, hey, come on,” Jade says. “Troll language is much more specific about stuff like this, when he says stabbed he could mean something different! Karkat,” she switches to Alternian, bending her human vocal structures in painful-sounding ways but still doing a much better job than Dave, all things considered. “Stabbed, stabbed, or stabbed?”
You know you didn’t teach her the distinction between “poke hard with a non-strife-allocated object”, “stab lightly to show somebody not to fuck with you”, and “impale to kill”. Humans don’t even have that distinction. It’s a fucking miracle they get anything done.
“…Stabbed,” you say, carefully enunciating like a fucking liar.
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It's always awkward when the boyfriend meets the friend group; the boyfriend's boyfriend inviting himself along can only make it worse. Unless, of course, you're an amateur xenobiologist, sociologist, and linguist. Then it's just extra data!Series
- Part 2 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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Domestic Diplomacy (And Other Minefields) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
22 Nov 2022
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Karkat's moirail meets his matesprit. It goes alright. Nothing's exploding yet, anyway. Karkat just has to translate, and mediate, and fix Dave, and keep Gamzee in line, and not flip his shit. Fucking easy. It's all under control.
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Gamzee's moirail introduces him to his little alien flushcrush. It goes alright. Just the human's freaking out, and then Karkat's freaking out, and then when Gamzee goes to fix it it gets worse for some reason. It's not like the little squishy motherfuckers count as quadrants. So who knows what the big motherfucking deal is.
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Dave's boyfriend brings around his other boyfriend, and Dave has an educational experience on the subject of quadrants. It goes alright. Except the guy's a handsy dick who doesn't speak basically any English and wears clown makeup. And Karkat seems to be making some kind of romance power-move at him to prove a point. And Dave's dripping blood all over his favorite pair of sweatpants.Series
- Part 1 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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Cultural Exchange by SplickedyHat, SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
30 Oct 2022
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"Okay," you say, and Gamzee swallows hard enough the fake, vestigial little flaps on the sides of his throat give a useless empty glub. "Paint me."
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Karkat knows just exactly the measure of how you like it, the fearful flayed tenderness of his starshine paleness on your bared and naked face, and he makes full and sinful use of that knowing. -
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Request: Some form of holy/spiritual!Karkat♦️demonic!Gamzee.
He’s something wild and strange—his blood and his eyes are the color of the bacchanalian wine and filled with the same banked frenzy…but none of the joy. Well you’re supposed to be a free spirit of nature and your wings are useless, blood-colored abominations. Who are you to judge him for not being happy?
(spruced up a little as of 2022, beware of minor edits) -
put your hands together (and hope) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
06 May 2015
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You don't like this mysterious Gamzee guy. You're pretty sure saying he "doesn't like" you would be the understatement of the sweep, whatever bullshit measurement of time a sweep is. But Karkat's sick, and nobody really asked what you two like or don't like.
Time to suck it up and stab somebody. Nicely.
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The empress sends you a pair of soft leather cuffs straight off your secret eFlay wishlist—but instead of just the dull rusty-red cuffs you’d grudgingly settled for these are perfect fiery candy-red, fit perfectly to your wrists and buckled in pure pitch-black. They look like sin in a neat package. When you open them you nearly pass out. When Gamzee looks over your shoulder quizzically without a single sound of warning and goes “What you got there, best friend?” you shriek and almost head-butt him in the nose.
Life after stepping down as the galaxy's most beloved pale porn star, or, "Celebrities Aren't Your Quadrants And Nobody 'Stole' Me From Any Of You, Stop Sending Hate Mail You Fucking Douchewaffles".
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You try to ignore the uncomfortable reality that part of the reason that you don’t try to force Gamzee to stop going out and sitting on the cliffs in terrible weather is that you’re a terrible pervert with a drenching kink and seeing your moirail soaked to the skin and shivering makes you feel all tingly and concerned inside. You are the worst piece of shit, it’s you.
(An exploration of pale kink. And an excuse to write pale Gamkar. Don't judge me.)
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He’s so light when you get your arms under him and lift him up. There’s no weight to him, just gangly little limbs and his chest rising and falling like a frightened small animal—tiny, shallow, pointless little gasps. You should. You should leave him, or cull him even, he’s not just sick he’s a runt and an idiot and way, way too nice even after you scream at him every time you talk to him…
“We’re going home,” you say again, and he makes a noise you trained yourself not to make five sweeps ago—a wrigglerish little whine, tired and grateful.
“…’kay bro,” he mumbles into your chest, and curls up as tight as he can against you, huddling up into your arms.
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The creature straightens up and settles in the sunlight, wrapping its long, glittering tail around itself in thick coils. The scales run up to its waist, where you can see hints of human skin against the smooth hide. It has a thin, cunning face, softened by a strangely mild smile that stretches its too-wide mouth, and its hair is in a wiry braid over its shoulder.
“Nnn,” you say, and point with a hand that shakes so badly you’re barely pointing at the creature at all. “—nuh. Nah. *Naga*—”
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Normally you’d get a warning for a shoot a couple of days in advance, with enough time to vet the person you're supposed to work with and decide if you wanted to take the gig—you're big enough in the business, now, you can actually say 'no' to one or two jobs before people start bitching about it. But Capricorn is a celebrity, and you’re a celebrity, and his agents apparently don’t want to wait any more than yours do.
The porn’s not going to fucking make itself.
(AKA "That Pale Porn Stars AU")
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You have literally no more patience for bigots who think they’re justified in spitting on people as long as they’re spitting down. But you’re the Sufferer Reborn and you have the imperial right (granted by the emperor) and you have the duty (granted to you because you’re a shithead with bright red blood, because they think you can save them all, because you /want/ to save them all) to try to talk this kid around into just confessing and getting a sweep or two of punishment. If he fights, it could go so, so much worse.
In the scandalous aftermath of the attack on a coldblooded imperial bodyguard, the Emperor feels the weight of his wings and the crown they won him, and finds out that all his hard work hasn't gone as far as he thought. The Imperial Spymaster struggles to balance what matters to him against what matters to the empire, the Second Sufferer fears for his moirail and his followers.
Eridan just wants everything to go back to normal. Fuck this.
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- Part 7 of Heavy In Your Arms
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You meet him and he's a kid, half your age, but he takes care of you anyway. Your life is clean and clear and slow when he's around you, and you remember the parts with him in it and blur the places in between until you see him again.
So this is the story; the bits you remember, the important parts of your life. The parts that had him in them.
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Request: Some part of Over the Waterfall from Sollux's perspective.
“They’re going to pay,” you say, half to her, half to yourself, and it’s just barely enough, the thought of justice. Just barely. “They’re going to pay for this.”
Series
- Part 6 of Splickedydrabbles: The Tumblr Request Collection
- Part 6 of Heavy In Your Arms
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You're totally fuckin' aware your fins and your gills and your ugly royal purple blood make you a target, but you've battered your way up from the ground through pure stubbornness and if you want to just walk through the city in the evening with your fins untaped and traces of your blood color in your hair, you're due one free pass, right?
In the wake of the Second Sufferer and his infamous coldblooded moirail's rise to wealth and privilege, a battered and wary brineblooded troll suffers the fallout of the anti-sufferist movement, and finally recieves the fruit of his labors. And maybe starts to realize he has more than a few ideas--and feelings--above his station.
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- Part 5 of Heavy In Your Arms
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Request: From 'A Heavy Crown'; the Second Coming of the Signless Sufferer from Gamzee's perspective.
You are not safe. And you are afraid.
Series
- Part 5 of Splickedydrabbles: The Tumblr Request Collection
- Part 3 of Heavy In Your Arms
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Request: The climax of Poor Unfor-tuna-te Shoals, Chapter 7, from Karkat's perspective.
Doing the bloody thing feels like punching himself repeatedly in the face.
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- Part 4 of Splickedydrabbles: The Tumblr Request Collection
- Part 2 of Oceanbound
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DirkJane: Orange, Amber, Porcelain, Gold by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
28 Aug 2013
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Request: Dirk, Jane, with the line “He’s beautiful when the sun hits him just right, orange and amber and porcelain and gold.”
Knowing what you know about how Dirk grew up, you would have expected him to cuddle up in his sleep.
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