SportFucker
Fandoms
- Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling (32)
- Narcos (TV) (1)
Recent works
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A Most Inconvenient Affair by sportfucker (SportFucker)
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
05 Jul 2026
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Summary
A wizarding retelling of the 1930 Noel Coward play, Private Lives: Hermione Granger and Theodore Nott divorce with absolute certainty, remarry other people with equal confidence, and then collide again under circumstances that make restraint impossible. What follows is renewed attraction, mutual exasperation, and the humiliating realization that they are just as disastrous together as they ever were. And unfortunately, just as unable to stop.
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Summary
Hermione Granger has a perfectly reasonable life: one daughter, one library job, one graduate degree, one ex-husband she gets on with reasonably well, and one highly irregular arrangement with Dudley Dursley that is not, technically, complicated.
Then Gregory Goyle walks into the gym, notices a flaw in her Arithmancy calculations, and picks up two ten-gallon water jugs like they weigh as much as a pair of kittens.
Several misunderstandings, one lemon tart, and a great deal of emotional logistics ensue.
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Summary
Once Draco Malfoy solved a pregnancy with an abortion and a speech about practicality. Years later Hermione Granger is pregnant, Draco Malfoy is trying to be better, and Pansy Parkinson wonders whether Hermione knows how many ghosts were cleared away to make room for her.
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The Romance of the Olive by sportfucker (SportFucker)
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
13 Feb 2026
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Summary
An olive grove in Southern Italy passes from hand to hand across a thousand years-- through conquest, inheritance, and war.
In a series of interwoven vignettes, Blaise Zabini, Theo Nott, Gregory Goyle, and Millicent Bulstrode grow up learning what it means to inherit land, loyalty, and loss.
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Summary
With Rose and Hugo finally at Hogwarts, the Granger-Weasleys settle into a new, quieter part of life. Hermione decides that quiet is no excuse for complacency; their marriage, she suggests, could use a little deliberate heat. Ron assumes she means date nights.
She means confession.
A clerical collar is acquired, the lamps are lowered, and a chair is placed carefully in the center of the room.
They are forty, deeply in love, and wholly committed to the bit.
Recent bookmarks
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BEEN TO HELL AND BACK, I CAN SHOW YOU VOUCHERS by WhatMurdah
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
22 Feb 2026
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Summary
Draco came to, naked, sprawled across the pentagram on the worn floorboards of the inn’s rented room. He lifted his head. His body had smeared the chalk and the salt on re-entry.
His tailbone hurt.
His head hurt.
He was thirsty.
Draco slowly pushed up to sitting. His wand was in his hand. His whole spine hurt. Something grazed his leg—his head whipped around, making the headache flare. A mouse? A rat? This room was disgusting.
No—
Hold on—
Draco twisted to look behind him.
F**K.
He had a tail.
Draco Malfoy—now an Unspeakable assigned to the Death Room—went to Hell and came back with a tail. Hermione Granger wants to help. Theo Nott doesn’t.
BEEN TO HELL AND BACK, I CAN SHOW YOU VOUCHERS is inspired by the bureaucratic implications of the titular Lil Wayne bar and me reading three books about Cardan Greenbriar because I thought there would be tail smut.
Series
- Part 1 of DRACO MALFOY HAS A SLUTTY LITTLE TAIL
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 32,758
- Chapters:
- 8/8
- Comments:
- 1,102
- Kudos:
- 761
- Bookmarks:
- 149
- Hits:
- 19,559
Bookmarked by sportfucker (SportFucker)
08 Jul 2026
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Summary
Pansy's family wants her to settle down and get married. She knows this year's holiday festivities will be filled with her mother and father trying to set her up with terrible men. So she decides to bring a date. Only...she's not seeing anyone. Enter Percy Weasley. Just the right man to appease her mother, wealthy, respected, and utterly boring. But he may just be her perfect match.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,998
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 23
- Kudos:
- 81
- Bookmarks:
- 6
- Hits:
- 571
Bookmarked by sportfucker (SportFucker)
08 Jul 2026
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in a room full of people by orolin for So_scarlett_maroon
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
02 May 2026
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Summary
“Can I be so kind as to suggest you stay away from Gregor Collins, over there. Bone structure of an underwear model, I know, but word in the changing room is he will be talking your ear off about making things official by breakfast.”
Charlie raises an eyebrow. “Who said breakfast would be on the cards?”
“Ah, yes. You’re more of a kick-em-out-before-dawn kind of bloke.”
“Wouldn’t like to get anyone’s hopes up.”
“Mm,” Oliver nods. “A slice of toast in the morning. A bit of sustenance. Always said it screams, ‘I want a long-term relationship.’”
Charlie’s spent the last few weddings nursing a very inconvenient crush on Oliver Wood. It’s probably time to do something about it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 6,206
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 22
- Kudos:
- 69
- Bookmarks:
- 9
- Hits:
- 396
Bookmarked by sportfucker (SportFucker)
08 Jul 2026
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Summary
It’s meant to be a quick welfare check—pop round to the Parkinson manor and make sure Pansy is doing okay with cursebreaking her ancestoral home.
What Harry doesn’t expect is the house taking great interest in that Potter magic, and not wanting to let him leave without encouraging him into the family line.
Or; Pansy’s sentient house really likes the look of Harry Potter.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 28,000
- Chapters:
- 6/6
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 58
- Kudos:
- 242
- Bookmarks:
- 60
- Hits:
- 4,257
Bookmarked by sportfucker (SportFucker)
08 Jul 2026
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Tags
Summary
It’s normal to have a little panic about your baby sister’s wedding, get shitfaced at the reception, and fall into bed with one of the guests. Even if the guest is Cormac McLaggen. Right?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 18,561
- Chapters:
- 8/8
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 20
- Kudos:
- 61
- Bookmarks:
- 14
- Hits:
- 650
Bookmarked by sportfucker (SportFucker)
08 Jul 2026