1 - 20 of 33 Works by SportFucker
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A wizarding retelling of the 1930 Noel Coward play, Private Lives: Hermione Granger and Theodore Nott divorce with absolute certainty, remarry other people with equal confidence, and then collide again under circumstances that make restraint impossible. What follows is renewed attraction, mutual exasperation, and the humiliating realization that they are just as disastrous together as they ever were. And unfortunately, just as unable to stop.
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Hermione Granger has a perfectly reasonable life: one daughter, one library job, one graduate degree, one ex-husband she gets on with reasonably well, and one highly irregular arrangement with Dudley Dursley that is not, technically, complicated.
Then Gregory Goyle walks into the gym, notices a flaw in her Arithmancy calculations, and picks up two ten-gallon water jugs like they weigh as much as a pair of kittens.
Several misunderstandings, one lemon tart, and a great deal of emotional logistics ensue.
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Once Draco Malfoy solved a pregnancy with an abortion and a speech about practicality. Years later Hermione Granger is pregnant, Draco Malfoy is trying to be better, and Pansy Parkinson wonders whether Hermione knows how many ghosts were cleared away to make room for her.
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An olive grove in Southern Italy passes from hand to hand across a thousand years-- through conquest, inheritance, and war.
In a series of interwoven vignettes, Blaise Zabini, Theo Nott, Gregory Goyle, and Millicent Bulstrode grow up learning what it means to inherit land, loyalty, and loss.
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With Rose and Hugo finally at Hogwarts, the Granger-Weasleys settle into a new, quieter part of life. Hermione decides that quiet is no excuse for complacency; their marriage, she suggests, could use a little deliberate heat. Ron assumes she means date nights.
She means confession.
A clerical collar is acquired, the lamps are lowered, and a chair is placed carefully in the center of the room.
They are forty, deeply in love, and wholly committed to the bit.
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Ron is catastrophically horny. Harry is trying to finish his homework.
One bad decision later, they both discover that some problems can be solved.
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Bulgaria vs Brazil and the Curious Case of Ron Weasley’s Homoerotic Spiral by SportFucker
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
13 Jan 2026
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Ron Weasley goes to the 2014 Quidditch World Cup Final. It’s just a match—Bulgaria versus Brazil, sun overhead, press everywhere, and Viktor Krum taking the field one last time.
He tells himself it’s fine. It’s just a match.
But then there’s Ginny with her clipboard, Harry losing his mind over strategy, the stadium crowd louder than a riot, and Viktor, looking like a Slavic fever dream.
It’s not just a match. Not anymore.
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Ginny Weasley and Viktor Krum attempt their first real holiday together: a quiet weekend in Edinburgh with good whiskey, too much cake, and the hope that no one notices them.
They are discovered by ten the next morning.
What follows is room service, bad headlines, worse photography, and two people who are very good at waiting.
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Between the hours of ten and two, Ginny Weasley chooses something just for herself, and Viktor Krum knows better than to ask for more than she offers.
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Harry Potter is dead. Voldemort’s grip on Europe tightens, and every day the list of the living grows shorter.
Across the ocean, a stolen house in Ohio becomes a war camp bound by dangerous wards and desperation. Hermione Granger leads what’s left of the resistance; Draco Malfoy stays because there is nowhere else to go. Trust is scarce, need isn’t, and between blood and silence they are tied to choices that leave little room for faith in anything but each other.
The war will not end cleanly. But it will end.
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They ended things a year ago, but Ron still shows up and Hermione still lets him in.
They should stop.
They don’t.
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In 2010, Astoria and Draco design an enchanted wonderland pool at their home by the Black Lake on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. The project becomes part of their wildly popular WixenTube renovation channel. Their son learns to swim there, alongside Albus Potter, while the adults slowly become friends. Draco tries not to stare at Harry. Harry stares back.
In 2017, Astoria has been gone for a year, and Scorpius leaves for Hogwarts. The house is quiet, and it's time to rebuild. When Harry shows up, offering a mundane errand and a practical excuse, it feels like something is shifting again.
A story in two timelines: before and after, about loss, parenthood, old architecture, and a love that takes seven years to unfold.
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In the weeks Arthur Weasley lies at St. Mungo’s after Nagini’s attack, Ginny crosses paths with Lucius Malfoy in the hospital corridor.
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Operation Dental Valor by 3Raccoons1Trenchcoat, SportFucker
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
18 Sep 2025
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Determined to win Hermione’s father’s approval, Draco Malfoy embarks on “Operation Dental Valor,” convinced the key lies in transforming his teeth. Over several months, he subjects himself to escalatingly ridiculous procedures, each effort horrifying Hermione and leaving Mr. Granger increasingly bewildered.
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Potter asks Draco if he’s done anal.
Draco assumes it’s about martinis, cooking techniques, or chess strategy.
It still ends with kissing.
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After the war, Draco Malfoy files a relocation form, registers his Paris address with the Ministry, and waits to be summoned for trial. Any day now, he thinks.
Nine years later, he’s still waiting.
He restores frescoes. He rarely uses magic. He’s not hiding, exactly, but no one’s come looking. Then, on a Thursday in September, a metro door opens, and Hermione Granger steps out.
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All Bets Are Off by byanca_black, Doodleholic (Kayka), Nusilverwolf, SportFucker
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
31 Jul 2025
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Draco Malfoy has done his very best to lay low—finished all of his reports on time, caught the baddies, and been at the disposal of Hermione Granger, Beast Liaison. So when he's forced to go on a mission—to the southern part of America of all places—with her, he's to say the least...disgruntled. To make matters worse, she's announced that they are to put on the charade of being enamored with each other. Just his luck.
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Hermione Granger is not in love with her husbands.
She marries them anyway—by law, by magic, by political compromise—then moves into the guest cottage they build her on the Dorset coast. It has built-in bookshelves, custom tile work, and a faint smell of sea salt and lavender. She works late, eats dinner with them sometimes, and goes to bed alone.
They are not in love. But they are trying.
Point is, they’re all still figuring it out.
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Nine months after *Sting Like a Dee*, Draco is still living above the gym in Thornton Heath, still broke, still in possession of one fork, and still very much in love with Dudley Dursley—who wears grey joggers like a threat and lime green Crocs like a dare.
Things are simple. Or at least, simple-adjacent.
Enter Hermione Granger: single, stressed, and on the verge of a full-blown sexual crisis. A chance encounter at the Croydon community pool turns into a drink, a kiss, and a half-joking, half-hopeful suggestion that maybe they should all sleep together.
Draco says he’s gay. Hermione says she was only being polite. Dee says nothing at all.
And yet.
Featuring:
• Unsolicited dick pics
• Croydon’s most hostile cat (still)
• Draco’s slow-burning bi panic
• Hermione in her “just get laid” era
• Rom-coms as a coping mechanism