19 Works by the meat machine (problemsloth)
Listing Works
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TG: u heard me
TG: that thing in ur loverboys belly? egg -
won't abscond, bro by the meat machine (problemsloth) for Midnight_Disasters
Fandoms: Homestuck
02 Mar 2025
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There's plenty of perks to being a beta, really. Assloads of 'em. It's pretty much all perk, in your opinion.
But getting to stay cool as a cucumber when mating season rolls around and your stoic asshole of a brother goes out of his mind with rut? Yeah, that's the biggest perk of all.
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Betty Crocker™ brand products are delicious. Betty Crocker™ brand products are good for you. Betty Crocker™ brand products are all you need. Enjoy Betty Crocker™ brand products today! Enjoy Betty Crocker™ brand products forever. Never stop enjoying Betty Crocker™ brand products. Consume Betty Crocker™ brand products. Consume. Consume. Consume.
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Because some trolls consider the initial stages of nookworm infestation to be pleasurable, there is considerable trade in nookworms as self-pailing aids. Commercially sold nookworms are typically modified to render them incapable of parasitizing trolls. However, unmodified or improperly modified nookworms retain the ability to infest a troll's gene bladder and hijack their reproductive system. Because of this, recreational nookworm usage is the leading cause of nookworm infestations among trolls.
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Sollux acquires a reproductive parasite.
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Two gods chillin' in a swimming pool, one inch apart because they're playing straight chicken.
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> Ultimate Dirk: Engage in father-daughter bon(d)ing activities. by the meat machine (problemsloth)
Fandoms: Homestuck
22 Apr 2024
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ROSEBOT: Incredible that when tasked with coming up with a suitable facsimile of genitalia for your dearest daughter, your response is to design her a massive, throbbing robo-phallus.
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Caliborn always rigs his games. Dirk doesn't mind nearly as much as he should.
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As the eve of my master's birth draws near, the seed of him that has lain within me for eons grows feistier.
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i'd rather you not by the meat machine (problemsloth) for MermaidMayonnaise
Fandoms: Homestuck
09 Sep 2023
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Jake and Dirk have sex for the first time. It goes, uh... well, it goes.
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DAVESPRITE: what you humans always forget is that im not just dave
DAVESPRITE: im the crow too
DAVESPRITE: and thats what gives me the perspective to see you for what you really are
DAVESPRITE: which is so much carrion walkin around well past its expiration date -
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Dave Strider is your bro. Not in any way people would have recognized in the before times, maybe. But his presence is all around you.
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hey dave do you ever think about laying my neck down in one of those deli counter meat slicers and going to town on it like a salami by the meat machine (problemsloth) for cmdonovann
Fandoms: Homestuck
31 Dec 2022
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"So. Decapitation as a sexual activity."
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In your dreams, you are that kinda sick.
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Houston, late 1980s: A boy makes some interesting discoveries about his sexuality.
Series
- Part 2 of lil buddy
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On a green moon somewhere in Paradox Space, a doomed version of Dirk Strider attempts to escape captivity, and an omniscient guardian presides over a highly amusing game.
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Bro and Arquius fight and then fuck. Against all odds, a good time is had by all.
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DIRK: Wondering how worried I should be about the psychosexual implications of the fact that my AI brain clone wants me to stage a porno for him.
AR: Please. You think you're the one I'm going to be looking at? Don't flatter yourself.
AR: Obviously I'm in it for Cal. Someone's got to keep you accountable. Make sure you're giving our best bro the tender loving he deserves. -
the nectar of the gods by the meat machine (problemsloth) for Anamorph_Marco
Fandoms: Homestuck
04 Jun 2022
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Dave discovers something interesting about Karkat's genetic material.
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> Ultimate Dirk: Go fuck yourself. by the meat machine (problemsloth)
Fandoms: Homestuck
07 Apr 2022
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In this work of fanfiction, presented for your reading pleasure on Archive of Our Own dot org (and I do mean pleasure, you sickos), I, Ultimate Dirk Strider, engage in assorted narcissistic debaucheries with my own hilariously awful alternate universe doppelganger. That's pretty much all there is to say on the matter.
Wait. Why is this tagged "Metanarrative Humiliation"?
... Shit.