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Chapter Text

SCOTT, prince of Rivendell.

ADELLA and ALINAR, Scott’s mother and father and the king and queen of Rivendell. 

KATHERINE and SHELBY, two palace nurses.

MARINA, queen of the Ocean Empire.

LIZZIE, heir to the Ocean Empire.

JOEL, Lizzie’s bodyguard and secret lover.

JIMMY, Lizzie’s younger brother.

GEM, a royal librarian in the Ocean Empire.

JOEY, a royal tailor in the Ocean Empire.

SAUSAGE, a priest of the Blood Church.

Various NOBLES

Various SERVANTS

Ocean Empire GUARDS

MUSICIANS, on or off stage

Stagehands can be costumed as servants or other citizens.

Chapter Text

(Curtains open on a palace ballroom. NOBLES mill about enjoying the party, as SERVANTS duck in and out with trays of finger food. MUSICIANS play in the corner of the stage. Queen ADELLA and King ALINAR watch the proceedings from their thrones on a balcony overlooking the ball. There is an empty throne between them.)

ALINAR: (Softly) Where is that boy? I told him to be here at sunset exactly, and he’s nowhere to be seen. Probably stealing from the kitchens or hiding from us in the library again.

ADELLA: (Also softly) He isn’t a child anymore, Alinar. 

ALINAR: Precisely! He isn’t a child anymore! He should know better than to be late to the most important ball of his entire life!

ADELLA: I’m sure he’ll be here soon. 

ALINAR: Oh, you’re sure, are you? You know that boy has a bad habit of-

ADELLA: Oh, it’s been ten minutes, Alinar, give the boy a break!

ALINAR: I’d be happy to, on any night except-

(A SERVANT enters the balcony stage left.)

SERVANT: Your Majesties, Prince Scott would like to inform you that he’s running a few minutes late, because he’d like to look his best for the ball.

ADELLA: (pointedly, to ALINAR) What did I tell you? We can trust him.

ALINAR: (To the SERVANT) Please tell the prince to hurry, if you don’t think it’ll make him slower.

SERVANT: Yes, your Majesty.

(The SERVANT exits stage left.)

ALINAR: (to ADELLA) He’d do a lot better to be on time for the ball, is all I can say.

ADELLA: Well, I would tell you he’s probably doing his best, but you never listen, do you, dear?

(SCOTT enters stage left on the bottom floor, looking quite harried. The NOBLES and SERVANTS turn to him, and he exits stage left once more. Moments later, he reappears stage left on the balcony, casually adjusting his clothing and hair. He bows to ALINAR and ADELLA.)

SCOTT: Your Majesties. 

ALINAR: It’s wonderful to finally see you, Scott.

SCOTT: I’m sorry I’m late. My-

ALINAR: Save it. You’re here, that’s all that matters.

SCOTT: But I-

ALINAR: Save it.

ADELLA: Darling, don’t just stand there! Sit! (She gestures at the empty throne.) How do you feel? Are you ready to give your part of the speech?

(Scott sits.)

SCOTT: I am. I practiced all last night.

ADELLA: All last night? Aren’t you tired?

SCOTT: Not all last night. It was an exaggeration, mother. 

ALINAR: Well, now that you’re finally here, we can officially begin the ball. You do the honors. 

SCOTT: Yes, father. 

(SCOTT stands and walks to the edge of the balcony. He holds up his hands as if to tap a spoon against a glass, before realizing he has neither.)

SCOTT: Ladies and gentlemen- I mean, dear guests- I- uh-

(ALINAR stands up.)

ALINAR: Esteemed guests! Prince Scott would like to take a moment to welcome you all to the 20th annual Peace Treaty Ball.

(ALINAR steps back, and the crowd quiets. All eyes are on SCOTT.) 

SCOTT: Um. Esteemed guests, I would like to take a moment to welcome you all to the 20th annual Peace Treaty Ball. Although Rivendell’s war with the Ocean Empire was fought long before I was born, the scars of conflict still mar both our kingdoms. Towns were rendered uninhabitable, precious art and history were destroyed, and lives were lost. The royal family is forever grateful for the brave soldiers that protected our lands during that time, and hopes that our recent financial aid initiative has helped ease the burden on the children and widows of those who made that sacrifice for our kingdom. But our past does not only hold suffering, for twenty years ago on this day, our King Alinar, my father, forged a treaty with Queen Marina of the ocean empire- a treaty so successful that despite our countries’ long history of animosity, I cannot imagine a world where our people did not live in harmony- or without the seafood we import from the Ocean Empire. Our palace chefs have prepared some truly wonderful fried squid, which I would highly recommend, by the way. Do not miss out on that!

(The NOBLES laugh politely. Some of them seek out the banquet table.) 

SCOTT: But I digress. While we may be coming together tonight to celebrate the treaty that officially ended the Sea Salt War, it’s inaccurate to say that it ended that day. Wars of that scale aren’t resolved with one piece of paper. I can hardly resolve an argument with my tailor in that time! No, as well as the king, we have a great many people to thank for the peace we enjoy- the advisors and generals that helped my father recognize that it was time for peace, the merchants that campaigned for better trade with the Ocean Empire, the lawyers and scholars that helped work out the details of the treaty. But more than that, we have each other to thank for this peace- both from Rivendell and the Ocean Empire. Without the pacifists and protestors who refused to fight this war, and the brave people who first took this formal peace treaty and turned it into real friendships between individual citizens, we could not enjoy the amazing unity between our lands today. I urge you, for the sake of our peace, to always remember that social change starts with individuals stepping up to do what they believe is right. Thank you. 

(The NOBLES, SERVANTS, and ADELLA applaud. ALINAR steps forward and puts a hand on Scott’s shoulder.)

ALINAR: Beautiful work, son.

SCOTT: You think so?

ALINAR: Now go down there and greet your people. 

(SCOTT descends from the balcony to the main ballroom. He is immediately accosted by NOBLES, who move to shake his hand and bow to him. SCOTT greets them all with forced politeness. As he mingles, ALINAR and ADELLA approach the edge of the balcony.)

ADELLA: Scott is such a lovely speaker, isn’t he? He remembered all those words!

ALINAR: He wrote them, I believe.

ADELLA: Even better!

ALINAR: (To the crowd) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for joining us. I implore you to enjoy the food and music, but before we join you, we have one last announcement to make. It’s true, twenty years ago today I signed a peace treaty with the Ocean Empire that has led to this prosperity we all enjoy. But peace is an ongoing process. It must constantly be renewed with goodwill, and today, I have the honor of announcing another bond between our kingdoms.

SCOTT: (to himself) What? 

ALINAR: The treaty we formed all those years ago bought us time, but it is only paper. For twenty years, our empires have longed for a more solid kind of unity. A more personal bond.

SCOTT: (to himself) We have?

ALINAR: Twenty years ago, I had no son, but Queen Marina of the Ocean Empire had a daughter, who has now grown into an intelligent and responsible young woman. The Ocean Empire is rightly proud to have her as their future queen, and so is Rivendell.

SCOTT: (realizing, weakly) No…

ALINAR: It is our honor as King and Queen of Rivendell to announce the wedding of Prince Scott of Rivendell and Princess Lizzie of the Ocean Empire in two weeks’ time! 

(Scott faints. Blackout.)

Chapter Text

(Lights up. It’s late at night in the palace infirmary. SCOTT is swaddled in blankets on a small hospital bed. Two nurses, KATHERINE and SHELBY, stand nearby, talking softly.)

SCOTT: Ugh…

KATHERINE: Oh! You’re awake? How do you feel, your highness?

SCOTT: Ugh.

KATHERINE: I’m sorry, your highness, but I need you to speak for me, to make sure you’re alright.

SCOTT: My head hurts.

SHELBY: I’ll get some water.

(SHELBY exits stage right. Katherine sits down by SCOTT’s bedside.)

SCOTT: What time is it?

KATHERINE: A little after midnight.

SCOTT: (sitting up) Oh no, the speech, I have to- (he lies back down, aided by KATHERINE.) Oh, my head.

KATHERINE: Trick. Veil. Sword.

SCOTT: Huh?

KATHERINE: I want you to remember those words for me, your highness. 

SCOTT: Sure. Trick, veil, sword. But my speech-

KATHERINE: You already gave your speech, your highness. What’s the last thing you remember?

(SHELBY enters stage right with a glass of water.)

SCOTT: I don’t know. I had a nightmare. I was at the ball in front of everyone, and my father announced that I was going to be married in two weeks…

(SHELBY and KATHERINE share a pained look.)

SHELBY: Drink this water, your highness. It’ll make your head feel better.

SCOTT: Thank you. (He sits up and drinks.) So, what happened at the ball?

SHELBY: Well, we heard you gave your speech quite well.

KATHERINE: Very eloquently, very well spoken.

SCOTT: Well, at least I didn’t mess that up.

SHELBY: Then his majesty the King gave a speech, and you fainted. You hit your head on the floor, but some servants were able to bring you to the infirmary quickly. Your parents are still with the crowd, to keep the situation calm, and we’ve sent a messenger to announce that you’re awake.

SCOTT: Fainted? Why would I just faint?

KATHERINE: Probably because his majesty announced your marriage to Princess Lizzie of the Ocean Empire in two weeks.

(SCOTT collapses back against the cot with a groan.)

SCOTT: So it isn’t a nightmare, then.

KATHERINE: No.

SCOTT: Just a waking one.

SHELBY: Those three words. Do you remember them?

SCOTT: Trick. Veil. Sword.

SHELBY: You’re probably not concussed, then. Just in a bit of shock.

SCOTT: A bit? I’m going to marry someone I’ve never met in less than a month, Shelby! 

KATHERINE: Well, don’t all royals have to marry for politics?

SCOTT: Not with mere days of warning!

KATHERINE: Maybe you’ll end up liking her. 

SCOTT: I sincerely doubt that. 

(SHELBY sits down next to SCOTT.)

SHELBY: Listen, Scott. I know this is scary, and sudden, and it feels like there’s no possible way that this will turn out right. But maybe if you wait a while, and get used to the fact that this is going to happen, it’ll seem less scary. Less like a nightmare, and more like something you have a choice in, even if it’s more limited than you might like. 

SCOTT: Sure.

KATHERINE: And you don’t have to love the Princess to like her. Who knows, maybe you’re about to meet a great friend! Or at least someone you can work with. From what I’ve heard she’s a scholar, just like you!

SHELBY: And together as rulers, you could make things like this less common. You could make things better.

SCOTT: I know, it’s just- I can’t think about this right now. Let me sleep on it, okay? I still have two weeks to… process. You are dismissed.

KATHERINE: I know. I’m sorry, your highness.

SCOTT: You are dismissed.

(KATHERINE and SHELBY exit stage right. A SERVANT enters stage left.) 

SERVANT: Your highness, are you feeling better?

SCOTT: The nurses said I wasn’t concussed, just shocked. I should be fine soon.

SERVANT: Excellent to hear. Shall I tell the public that you’re feeling better?

SCOTT: Yes, please.

SERVANT: Since you’re feeling better, his majesty the King has asked me to inform you that your journey to the Ocean Empire will begin in two days.

SCOTT: Wonderful.

SERVANT: It is? But I thought-

SCOTT: Please tell my parents I’m alright.

(SERVANT exits stage right. Stagehands should wheel out SCOTT’s hospital bed with him on it, as well as any other set pieces included.)

Chapter Text

(Simultaneously, enter SERVANTS and stagehands from stage left, carrying a chariot prop and several trunks. The SERVANTS begin to load the trunks onto the chariot, out of sight of the audience. As they finish, enter ADELLA, ALINAR, and SCOTT stage left. The SERVANTS bow.)

ADELLA: Did you remember to put my cosmetics chest on top? It’s very important, or they’ll be crushed. And I need to look my best for my baby’s wedding!

SERVANT: Yes, your majesty.

ADELLA: Oh, and you remembered to put my undergarments in the back, didn’t you? I wouldn’t want them spilling everywhere if the chariot tipped over!

SERVANT: Yes, your majesty.

ADELLA: And you didn’t pack my gowns all mixed up, did you? If my evening gowns are mixed in with my day gowns-

ALINAR: (peering into the carriage) Good heavens! Did you pack your entire closet?

ADELLA: Just the summer clothes. 

ALINAR: Never mind. Did you remember my own and the prince’s trunks, between all this nonsense?

SERVANT: Yes, your majesty.

ALINAR: Then let’s go. The sooner we start, the sooner we can get out of this chariot. 

(Exit SERVANTS stage left and right. ALINAR, ADELLA, and SCOTT board the chariot, with SCOTT sitting in between his parents. The three sit in silence as the chariot begins to move. Lighting, staging, and sound can be used to create the illusion of movement.)

SCOTT: Dad?

ALINAR: Yes?

SCOTT: Why didn’t you tell me I was going to be married earlier?

ALINAR: We didn’t think you would take it so hard.

ADELLA: Besides, could you even imagine the fit you’d throw if we told you when you were little? You would have worried Princess Lizzie would give you cooties! You never would have agreed to marry a girl back then!

SCOTT: About that, mother-

ADELLA: About what?

SCOTT: Er- Well- Don’t you think I might have been less likely to faint if I had, well, met the princess before? 

ALINAR: Don’t be silly. Plenty of royals marry people they’ve never met. You’re the only prince I’ve heard of who’s fainted about it. 

SCOTT: I was just… a little worried. That’s all.

ADELLA: Worried? Why?

SCOTT: It’s a big change. What if she hates me?

ALINAR: Is that all you’re worried about? Why would she hate you? You’re hard working, intelligent, and polite when you remember to be.

SCOTT: Well, maybe she likes people who are funny and loud.

ALINAR: You’re already engaged. She has to like you.

ADELLA: Exactly! When I was betrothed to your father, I hated him! I still do, in fact. But we’re so good at hiding it, no one can even tell, ( sweetly ) can they, you cold-hearted brute?

ALINAR: (also sweetly) Not at all, you vapid witch. 

SCOTT: …Right. 

ALINAR: Besides, it’s not like you have a choice. Even we didn’t have a choice. Our kingdoms were at war for decades, and any treaty we made would be shaky at best. To refuse an alliance by marriage would have only made things harder. You weren’t even born yet, but Queen Marina still demanded our firstborn marry her child. 

ADELLA: It happens all the time, Scotty. Besides, I’ve heard Princess Lizzie is quite the beauty. Plenty of princes would love to be in your place.

SCOTT: Even if she didn’t love them?

ALINAR: (scoffing) Of course! She’ll have to at least pretend to love you, and that would be more than enough for a lot of men. Provided that their wife is beautiful.

ADELLA: Look on the bright side, Scott! You’re so worried the princess will hate you, or you’ll hate her, but have you ever considered you might be a good match? Sure, we didn’t matchmake you on purpose, but there’s always the chance this is the beginning of your love story!

(Beat.)

SCOTT: Mom, I’m gay.

ADELLA: Really? I thought you were sad. Never mind then! 

( he chariot halts. This can be accompanied by a change in set and lighting to indicate that the stage is now the Ocean Empire. A group of SERVANTS approach the carriage with a lot of bowing and scraping.)

SERVANT: Welcome to the Ocean Empire, your majesty. Your majesty. Your highness. We sincerely hope your journey was pleasant. 

ALINAR: It was. Where is Her Majesty, Queen Marina? She said she would meet us.

SERVANT: Her Majesty sincerely apologizes, but had planned for you to arrive just before sunset. Her schedule was planned accordingly. May we show you to your quarters?

ALINAR: Yes, please.

(The SERVANTS begin unloading the trunks from the carriage. ADELLA and ALINAR step out and exit stage left, accompanied by a SERVANT. Another SERVANT approaches SCOTT.)

SERVANT: Your highness, would you like to see your quarters?

SCOTT: I think I’d like to see the palace grounds before I do, thank you. Where can I find you when I wish to retire?

SERVANT: I’m sure any servant here would be happy to lead you, your highness.

SCOTT: Thank you. 

(The SERVANTS exit stage right and left. SCOTT watches them. When the stage is empty except for him, he crumples in on himself, putting his head in his hands. Lights down.)

Chapter Text

(Lights up on a stage set like a lavish royal garden. NOBLES sit on outdoor chairs and couches and sip tea, and Ocean Empire GUARDS stand at attention at stage right and left. Enter Queen MARINA, Princess LIZZIE, Prince JIMMY, and JOEL stage left. When they arrive, the NOBLES all rise and bow, and the GUARDS salute.)

MARINA: At ease.

(The NOBLES and GUARDS resume their previous activities. MARINA and her children sit on a sofa in the center of the room, and JOEL stands behind them with his hand on the pommel of his sword.)

LIZZIE: Mother, why are there so many guards here? I thought I was going to meet Prince Scott.

MARINA: You are. It’s a mere precaution.

LIZZIE: Precaution for what, exactly? Are you worried the Prince is secretly an assassin?

MARINA: No. But every royal marriage comes with a risk of one country overpowering the other. That will not be us.

LIZZIE: You don’t worry it’ll come off as hostile?

MARINA: You’re the one who wanted your bodyguard, dear.

JIMMY: Oh, lighten up! We’re about to meet a whole new member of the family! Three, if you count the in-laws! Aren’t you excited?

LIZZIE: No.

MARINA: (simultaneously) No. 

JIMMY: Oh. Not even a little?

LIZZIE: Scott’s probably a fine fellow, but… the point of our marriage is to strengthen our countries’ alliances. It was arranged before he was even born. If we do end up liking each other, it will be by random chance.

JIMMY: Well that’s a depressing way to look at it.

MARINA: You’re a smart girl, Lizzie. If you look out for the worst, you’ll either be prepared or pleasantly surprised.

LIZZIE: (Softly) It’s not like I’m marrying for love, Jimmy. That’s the one luxury we can’t afford.  

(Enter SCOTT, ALINAR, and ADELLA stage right. Once again, the NOBLES, GUARDS, and the Ocean Empire royal family rise and bow. SCOTT bows, and LIZZIE responds with a curtsy.) 

ALINAR: Long time, no see, your Majesty.

MARINA: Welcome, your Majesty. I trust your journey here was pleasant?

ALINAR: Quite. I did expect to greet you quite a bit sooner, though. 

MARINA: My apologies. I only intended to prepare a party worthy of welcoming our… most esteemed allies.

ALINAR: I do so wonder why you could not have done that before we arrived. 

JIMMY: Well, your Majesty- I’m Jimmy by the way, Prince Jimmy of the Ocean Empire- very pleased to meet you- ( he shakes ALINAR’s hand, perhaps against his will ) anyway, would you like to take a seat? The Ocean Empire would like to show you what we can prepare- with enough time, of course. Do you take tea or cocoa?

ALINAR: (beat) Uh, tea.

JIMMY: Oh, me too! (He claps twice. Enter a SERVANT, stage left.) May we bring out the tea now?

SERVANT: Of course, your highness. (Exit stage left.) 

(ALINAR sits, as if he has been hit over the head with a bat and can no longer stand. ADELLA takes a seat next to him.)

ADELLA: What an exceptional young man! Makes me wish I’d had a girl. 

(Pause as the SERVANT arrives with a tray of tea and cookies.)

MARINA: Well! We’ve been a bit distracted, haven’t we? We haven’t even thought about the royal couple. (To SCOTT) Your highness, It is my honor to introduce you to Princess Lizzie of the Ocean Empire. (Pushing LIZZIE forward) Go on, dear. 

(LIZZIE hesitantly steps forward and curtsies to SCOTT. He bows in return. Long pause.)

SCOTT: Erm. Hello. 

LIZZIE: Hi. It’s, uh, nice to finally meet you. 

SCOTT: Likewise.

(Long pause.)

SCOTT: Would you like to take a turn around the garden? 

LIZZIE: I would.

JIMMY: Ooh, can I come too?

SCOTT: Sure.

LIZZIE: (Simultaneously) Yes please. 

(LIZZIE and SCOTT walk towards stage right, with the NOBLES and GUARDS retreating to imply a greater distance traveled. Exit ALINAR, ADELLA, and MARINA stage left. JIMMY jogs after them, catching up. JOEL follows at a respectful distance.)

JIMMY: (To SCOTT) I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet. I’m the backup heir, if you wanna believe my sister, but most people call me Jimmy. (He offers SCOTT a hand. SCOTT shakes it after a pause.)

LIZZIE: I called you that one time !

JIMMY: You wanna hear all the other dumb things Lizzie’s done?

LIZZIE: No.

SCOTT: Yes, please!

JIMMY: Once, she tried to convince me seals were a type of fish. I knew better, obviously-

LIZZIE: I was six!

JIMMY: And I was five! Anyway, it took actually going to the menagerie and actually asking the head zookeeper for her to believe me.

SCOTT: How do you not know that as the princess of the Ocean Empire?

LIZZIE: I was six!

JIMMY: Also, she used to call me Jammy. And now half the older court calls me Jammy and I can’t get them to stop. 

LIZZIE: Oh yeah? Remember when we went to see the butterflies hatch and you asked where the caterpillars went?

JIMMY: That makes a lot more sense than thinking seals are fish! They don’t even have scales!

SCOTT: You have butterflies here?

LIZZIE: Do you not?

SCOTT: Not many. I think I’ve seen a couple each year? Rivendell gets really cold, so not a lot of butterflies hatch there. 

LIZZIE: You’ll have to see the Ocean Empire during butterfly season, then. It’s gonna blow your mind!

SCOTT: I guess I’ll have a lot of time to admire them.

(Pause.) 

LIZZIE: I guess you will. 

(Lizzie starts messing with the bushes.)

JIMMY: Hey, that’s one thing to look forward to, at least. Is Rivendell as pretty?

SCOTT: Depends what you mean, I guess. We’re way up in the mountains. The views are gorgeous.

JIMMY: That sounds nice.

SCOTT: In the winter, everything sparkles like it’s been covered in silver, and the sky looks like it goes on forever. ‘Course, it’s cold as a dragon’s heart at night, and there’s not so many flowers, or trees, or-

(LIZZIE rustles the bush too hard, and a swarm of insects escapes. She startles backward.)

LIZZIE: (shouting) Bees!

(At LIZZIE’S shout, JOEL bolts forward, drawing his sword. He puts himself between LIZZIE and the swarm, using his cloak to shield both of them. LIZZIE clings to his arm.)

JOEL: Stay calm, your highness, and stay behind me! Where’s the attacker?

LIZZIE: You mean- the bees?

JOEL: Absolutely. Can’t have you being stung!

SCOTT: Hey, we're here too.

JOEL: Ah, yes. You can get behind me too, if you like, your highness.

LIZZIE: What do you plan to do to help me, exactly?

JOEL: Uh… (he looks down at his sword) stab them, I guess.

LIZZIE: You’re going to stab the bees.

JOEL: I’d stab a thousand bees to keep you safe, your highness.

LIZZIE: (chuckling) I was just startled. There’s no danger. 

JOEL: But if there was …

LIZZIE: I know. Your service is much appreciated. 

(LIZZIE touches JOEL’S arm, guiding him to sheath his sword. SCOTT seems to realize something. Enter a SERVANT from stage left.)

SERVANT: So sorry to interrupt, your highnesses, but the real festivities tomorrow will be exhausting, and her majesty the Queen has recommended you all turn in early for the night. Prince Scott, may I escort you back to your room?

SCOTT: Um, yes, please. It was nice to walk with you, your highness- (bows to LIZZIE) your highness (bows to JIMMY). I’m glad we got off on the right foot. 

LIZZIE: As am I. Goodnight, Scott.

SCOTT: Goodnight.

(SCOTT, the SERVANT, and the GUARDS and NOBLES exit stage right. LIZZIE, JIMMY, and JOEL remain on stage.) 

Chapter Text

(The scene changes from a royal garden to an extravagant palace, with a door frame and bed pushed onto stage implying a bedroom. LIZZIE, JOEL, and JIMMY walk across the stage to a door frame. They stop in front of it.)

LIZZIE: Well, that wasn’t as bad as I expected.

JIMMY: See? I told you, everything would turn out fine! You’ll love Scott!

LIZZIE: I wouldn’t go that far.

JIMMY: Come on, you have to admit he’s nice! And a little cute.

LIZZIE: Goodnight, Jim.

JIMMY: Just a little tiny bit?

LIZZIE: Goodnight , Jim.

JIMMY: Fine, goodnight! And goodnight, Joel.

(Pause.)

LIZZIE: I’ll see you tomorrow. 

JIMMY: Oh, okay. 

(JIMMY exits stage left. Immediately, LIZZIE opens the door and pulls herself and JOEL through, closing the door behind them.)

LIZZIE: Can you hear anyone?

JOEL: He’s gone.

(They kiss passionately.)

LIZZIE: I missed you.

JOEL: We were together all day. 

LIZZIE: You know that’s not the same. (She sits on the bed.) 

JOEL: Yeah. I do. (He sits next to her.) But hey, at least we’re together now!

LIZZIE: Not for long.

JOEL: … Oh, right.

LIZZIE: Sorry, I just… now that Prince Scott is here, everything feels more real. I don’t want to lose you.

JOEL: You won’t. You’ll still need a bodyguard after you’re married, right?

LIZZIE: Well, yes, but will it be you? I don’t know what the publicity advisors will say about me having a young, hot, male bodyguard once I’m married to the Prince. The gossip rags would have a field day with it. They already have a field day with us.

JOEL: Why can’t the palace stick with the “like brother and sister” angle?

LIZZIE: Well, first of all, I’m not really supposed to be friends with you in the first place. That stunt in the garden- it made us look unprofessional, like there’s something more between us than you protecting me. If we slip up like that too many times, we won’t be able to keep up the guise, and it’ll make the scandal even worse. And that’s assuming we’ll get any time alone together once I’m… married . 

(Pause. Enter SCOTT stage left, dressed in pajamas and looking a bit lost. He meanders towards LIZZIE’s bedroom.)

JOEL: I don’t suppose there’s a chance Prince Scott would be okay with us staying together, is there?

LIZZIE: It’s not about what Prince Scott and I want. It’s about what the public needs to see for us to keep their respect. Even mentioning our relationship to him is a risk.

JOEL: But if I leave your service, I’d never see you again.

LIZZIE: And if you were found out, you’d be executed.

JOEL: Yeah, which means I’d never see you again!

(LIZZIE laughs weakly, leaning against JOEL.)  

JOEL: I guess this just means we have to make the most of the time we have left, huh?

LIZZIE: Yeah. (Pause.) Kiss me again? Please?

JOEL: Gladly.

(JOEL kisses LIZZIE gently, but before he can get very far, SCOTT knocks on LIZZIE’s door.)

SCOTT: Lizzie? Are you awake?

LIZZIE: Oh sh- (She quickly cuts herself off, covering her mouth. JOEL does the same.)

SCOTT: (Louder) I can hear you in there. I need to talk to you about something important.

(LIZZIE and JOEL look at each other, panicked. LIZZIE’s head whips around the room.)

LIZZIE: (whispering) Get under the bed.

(JOEL obeys immediately.)

SCOTT: Lizzie? 

LIZZIE: One moment! (She checks that JOEL is hidden, then opens the door.) I do hope you have a very important reason for waking me. Not a very good impression to make on your future wife.

SCOTT: Yeah, about that… may I come in?

LIZZIE: Asking to go into my bedroom before we’re even married? Getting a little cocky there, my liege.

SCOTT: No, no, not like that- I just have something very important to tell you. That I don’t want anyone to overhear.

(Pause.)

SCOTT: It affects the alliance.

LIZZIE: Fine. Come in.

(SCOTT enters. With no other option, he sits on the bed, right where JOEL was. LIZZIE stands in front of him with crossed arms.)

LIZZIE: What is it?

SCOTT: I heard you talking to someone in here.

LIZZIE: What?

SCOTT: I didn’t hear what you said, but there was definitely someone else. Who was it?

LIZZIE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

SCOTT: They sounded like a man.

LIZZIE: You must have been hearing something from another room.

SCOTT: What? There aren’t any occupied rooms near here.

LIZZIE: Maybe someone was doing some, um, midnight cleaning?

SCOTT: But I heard them in your room. It’s that bodyguard of yours, right? He’s a stud.

LIZZIE: You couldn’t have heard it from your suite, though. What did you really come to talk to me about?

SCOTT: Right. Well, I really hope you weren’t just dreaming of marrying me, because I’m… I don’t want to marry you. At all.

LIZZIE: You don’t! Wait, you don’t? Why not, what’s wrong with me?

SCOTT: No, no no! It’s nothing to do with you! I just… don’t want to marry you. I don’t want to marry a woman. Ever. 

LIZZIE: Hm.

SCOTT: And I figured you ought to know that, considering, well, I kind of have to marry you. Just so you don’t feel too disappointed on the wedding night.

LIZZIE: Thank you for telling me.

JOEL: Does this mean I can come out now?

(SCOTT jumps.)

LIZZIE: Well, now you certainly can. 

(JOEL crawls out from under the bed and sits next to SCOTT.)

SCOTT: Knew it. 

JOEL: Thanks for calling me a stud!

SCOTT: I was only telling the truth, handsome.

LIZZIE: Ugh! Why do you have to be so smart? (She grabs SCOTT by the front of his shirt.) I went three years without anyone finding out Joel and I were together, only for you to guess on your second night here! …You can probably imagine I’m not very excited to marry you either. 

SCOTT: Yeah, you sounded pretty, er, close to Joel before I knocked.

LIZZIE: You listened to that ?

SCOTT: Not on purpose!

JOEL: Wait, wait, wait! If you don’t want to marry Lizzie, then you’d have to be okay with us staying together after the wedding, right?

SCOTT: Uh, yes? 

JOEL: See, I told you he’d be fine with it. 

LIZZIE: But we’d still have to hide from the press- and if neither of us wants to get married, how will we convince the public we’re a happy couple?

SCOTT: I don’t think we need to. My parents are awful to each other, and nobody doubts them for a second.

LIZZIE: Well, that’s kind of sad.

SCOTT: Tell me about it. Wait, if you don’t want to marry me, and I don’t want to marry you, why are we getting married at all?

JOEL: He already said, because of the alliance.  

SCOTT: But with your help- maybe there’s a way to secure the alliance without us getting married! And if we work together- ( he clasps LIZZIE and JOEL’s hands in his own ) you two might not have to hide from the public at all.

LIZZIE: You think that’ll work?

JOEL: We’ll never find out if we don’t try.

LIZZIE: Yes, but we’ll also never fail if we don’t try.

SCOTT: But if we could guarantee-

LIZZIE: (Pulls away from SCOTT) This isn’t my choice to make. I’m a princess, and princesses always think about other people before themselves. 

SCOTT: And this will not interfere with that, I promise-

LIZZIE: The treaty is signed, I can’t-

JOEL: (Overshadowed by the others) Wait.

SCOTT: You just said you didn’t want to-

LIZZIE: I know! But royals don’t marry for love, it’s the one luxury we can’t afford, please, I’ve already gotten over it, you can’t-

JOEL: Wait! (SCOTT and LIZZIE stop. Pause.) Lizzie. You need to think about other people before yourself, right?

(LIZZIE doesn’t respond.) 

JOEL: Scott’s another person. He doesn’t want to get married either. And… I’m a person, too.

(LIZZIE still doesn’t respond.)

SCOTT: If you can’t do it for yourself, can you at least help us avoid ruining our lives?

LIZZIE: And if it doesn’t work?

SCOTT: I’ll take the blame. Say I muscled you into it. But think about if it does , Lizzie. Don’t you want to stay with Joel?

LIZZIE: Of course I do.

JOEL: So? Are you in?

(Pause.)

LIZZIE: Yes. I’m in.

SCOTT: Oh, thank Aeor.

(LIZZIE holds her hand out to them. SCOTT and JOEL put their hands on top of hers.) 

LIZZIE: …I have no idea how we’re going to do this.

SCOTT: I think some sleep would help.

LIZZIE: Oh, right. Sleep. Forgot about that.

SCOTT: I’ll see you tomorrow, then. (He pulls back his hand.) I hope… that I can help you.

LIZZIE: Not if I help you first.

(SCOTT leaves through the door and exits stage left. JOEL begins to leave, then stops to kiss LIZZIE once more. He exits stage left. Lights down.) 

END OF ACT 1

Chapter Text

(Lights up on a lavish ballroom, filled with NOBLES (including ALINAR and ADELLA) and attended by SERVANTS and Ocean Empire GUARDS. Atop a balcony with stairs leading down into the ballroom  stand LIZZIE and SCOTT, holding hands and flanked by JOEL and JIMMY. They all look deeply uncomfortable. Queen MARINA stands in front of them, much more composed.)

MARINA: Welcome, esteemed guests! On behalf of the Ocean Empire, we would like to thank you all for arriving for this momentous occasion. We would especially like to welcome King Alinar and Queen Adella of Rivendell, and of course, their heir, who I am proud to have as my future son-in-law. I present to you the future royal couple of Prince Scott of Rivendell and Princess Lizzie of the Ocean Empire!

(Applause. SCOTT and LIZZIE bow and curtsy to the NOBLES below.)

MARINA: It is my honor to announce that the Ocean Empire will be hosting the first dance of this honorable pair. Without further ado-

(She gestures, and music begins to play. SCOTT and LIZZIE descend the stairs and begin to awkwardly slow dance together. Some of the NOBLES also begin to dance, but stay away from the royal couple. JIMMY, JOEL, and Queen MARINA follow after, staying on the sidelines and speaking to the other NOBLES or GUARDS. )

LIZZIE: (Whispering) So, I was thinking about how we could try to call off the wedding last night.

SCOTT: (Also whispering) Do tell.

LIZZIE: Right. So, the first thing we should do is check the treaty itself. Look through the terms that require us to get married. We might be able to find  evidence that a wedding isn’t necessary.

SCOTT: Right. I mean, the alliance seems pretty stable as is, right? Unless there’s a specific reason why we need to get married, like a time limit on the alliance that needs to be restored or something, then there isn’t a reason for us to go through with it.

LIZZIE: And if we’d be happier if we weren’t married, it might be better press to seal the alliance some other way than to force us into a clearly unhappy marriage!

SCOTT: Plus, even if there is a really clear statement that we have to get married, there could be a loophole in the phrasing.

LIZZIE: Good idea. And if there isn’t any leeway in the language?

SCOTT: …I didn’t think that far, to be honest. 

LIZZIE: We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

SCOTT: I mean, worst comes to worst, we could always refuse to get married.

LIZZIE: We absolutely cannot. It would ruin our images!

SCOTT: I never said we had to do it in public. If we refused in private, and threatened to make a scene if they didn’t let us go, we might have a chance of calling off the wedding. 

LIZZIE: But the public is already expecting a wedding.

SCOTT: They could throw a wedding without us being legally married.

LIZZIE: But then we’d have to keep pretending, or people would get suspicious. It wouldn’t be much different from just getting married without the fuss.

(The music winds to a stop while they talk. While other couples break apart, SCOTT and LIZZIE remain together.)

SCOTT: True. But like you said, we can cross that bridge when we get to it. 

LIZZIE: In the meantime, ask Jimmy for help. He’ll understand, I know it.

SCOTT: Right. And you tell Joel. 

NOBLE: Aw, look at those two lovebirds. Can hardly stand to be apart.

(SCOTT and LIZZIE leap apart.)

LIZZIE: Ah, yes, right! My love, as much as I like dancing with you, I think we ought to pay attention to some of our other guests, right?

SCOTT: What- I- right, of course. My dear. (He bows) I eagerly wait to see you again. 

(LIZZIE leaves to speak to some of the NOBLES on the side of the stage. As the music starts again, SCOTT approaches JIMMY.) 

SCOTT: May I have this dance?

JIMMY: Oh! I mean, yes, you may!

(SCOTT leads JIMMY to the dance floor and they begin to dance together.)

SCOTT: (Whispering) Jimmy, listen. I need to tell you something important.

JIMMY: (Loudly) What happened?

SCOTT: Shh! Jimmy, listen. You need to keep this a secret, and Lizzie said we can trust you. Right?

JIMMY: Oh, yes, absolutely. What’s wrong?

SCOTT: Long story short, Lizzie and I cannot get married. We don’t love each other, and we never will. 

JIMMY: What? Why? What’s wrong with my sister?

SCOTT: Nothing! Absolutely nothing, I just- (he pulls back a little) I can’t marry her, ever. You know how it is.

JIMMY: (Pulling SCOTT back in close to him) It’s okay. I wouldn’t marry Lizzie either.

SCOTT: Because you’re her brother.

JIMMY: Well, just because I have a better reason doesn’t-

SCOTT: Hey, who said anything about who has a better reason? I’m not marrying any woman, ever. And as far as I know, Lizzie is one. 

JIMMY: No, she is. But- why don’t you want to get married?

(The music stops.)

SCOTT: I have to go. 

JIMMY: But-

SCOTT: The music is over, I need to go. 

(He pushes away from JIMMY, walking into the crowd, but is intercepted by ALINAR and ADELLA.) 

ALINAR: What do you think you’re doing? You’re supposed to be dancing with the Princess, not her brother! Get back there to her!

SCOTT: I just needed a little break, that’s all. 

ALINAR: Wanted a break? Don’t make me laugh. I saw you with the Prince. Don’t get distracted, now. You’re here to secure an alliance, not make friends.

SCOTT: I can do both. 

ALINAR: Sure you can. Get back to the Princess. 

SCOTT: Fine. I was going to anyway.

(Queen MARINA climbs up to the balcony.)

MARINA: Dear guests, the Ocean Empire would like to welcome you to the grand hall for dinner!

ALINAR: Don’t try to sneak away again.

(Everyone exits stage right.)

Chapter Text

(Lights up on a library. GEM is shelving books. Enter SCOTT, LIZZIE, JIMMY, and JOEL stage right. GEM notices them and curtsies.)

GEM: Your highness! To what do I owe the honor?

LIZZIE: At ease, he’s chill. 

(GEM relaxes.)

SCOTT: You two know each other?

LIZZIE: Of course, she’s the palace librarian.

JIMMY: And everyone knows how big a nerd you are!

LIZZIE: Hey!

JIMMY: Well, it’s true! Who even sneaks away from horseback riding lessons to read ?

SCOTT: I mean, that sounds like something I would do. And a firm base of knowledge is more useful for ruling a kingdom than knowing how to ride a horse, I think.

GEM: Oh, trust me, she wasn’t studying. Can I direct you to the romance shelves, your highness?

LIZZIE: Gem!

JOEL: Actually, we came here for a reason, remember?

LIZZIE: Oh, right. Sorry.

SCOTT: Do you have a copy of the treaty between the Ocean Empire and Rivendell? The one that ended the Sea Salt war?

GEM: We don’t just have a copy- we have the original document! 

LIZZIE: Amazing! Can we see it?

GEM: Well… you’re not exactly supposed to? The library is meant to preserve these documents for decades to come, so future historians don’t lose this valuable knowledge. I can’t just let anyone access it. 

JOEL: But we’re not just anyone. Lizzie and Prince Scott are going to be forced to marry each other in one week because of the words written in that treaty. I think that would give us the right to see it.

GEM: Maybe it would give their highnesses the right, but not Prince Jimmy and some random guard. Besides, Her Majesty Queen Marina specifically requested that no one be allowed to access the treaty without permission from her, to prevent tampering before the wedding.

SCOTT: That’s odd. What about a copy?

GEM: The only ones we have are loaned out to universities. 

LIZZIE: But we need to see that treaty! If there’s a way to secure the alliance without me marrying Scott, even if it’s a slim chance, we need to know about it. You know how long I spent reading those romances- I can’t marry someone I don’t love. (She leans against JOEL.) And Scott shouldn’t have to, either.

GEM: I agree, I wouldn’t want to be in your situation either, but you have to understand that if anyone found out the treaty was moved or damaged, I’d lose my job, and probably the chance to ever work in this kingdom again.

JIMMY: Okay. What if- what if, though, we promised to be really careful with the treaty and didn’t get caught?

GEM: I appreciate the assurance, but I’m not allowed to let anyone see the treaty, even if they have a very good reason. I’m really sorry. 

(Pause.) 

JOEL: So, hypothetically, if one wanted to see the treaty without permission, how would they go about accessing it? 

GEM: Oh, well, it’s kept in the second basement in a locked cabinet in climate-controlled room A7. You’ll be able to view the document in that room without being intercepted by any guards, but you will need the key to room A7 and the drawer it’s kept in. Which I can’t give you, because you don’t have permission.

JOEL: Right. 

GEM: Of course, you could always steal the keys, but as the documents kept in room A7 are so important, they’re kept with a librarian at all times. And of course, I’m not allowed to give them to you, so there’s no way you could use them to break in. Goodbye. (She begins to walk away.) 

JIMMY: Well, I guess we better-

(GEM drops a ring of keys with a clink, and continues walking as if nothing happened.)

JIMMY: Gem, you dropped- oh.

(GEM intentionally ignores him and exits stage right. LIZZIE darts forward and picks up the keys, looking around to see if anyone noticed.)

LIZZIE: Alright, follow me. 

(JOEL, LIZZIE, SCOTT, and JIMMY move to stage left. The set pieces shift to indicate they are moving to a different room. If there is a lower stage area available, they can move down to there. LIZZIE opens a chest of drawers with a key, delicately removing a large scroll.)

LIZZIE: Here it is. (She unrolls the scroll on a flat surface. JOEL, SCOTT, and JIMMY crowd around.)

SCOTT: Wow. I never knew my father was the… excessive type.

JOEL: Who even writes that small?

LIZZIE: Wait, everyone stand back. It’ll be easier if someone reads aloud.

JIMMY: I’ll do it!

LIZZIE: You can read? That’s news! 

JIMMY: Oh, shut up! (He shoves her, and JOEL and SCOTT step aside.) Okay. (Reading) On this day the sixteenth of summer in the year of blah blah blah, ten years of war, blah blah blah, okay, here we go! Terms of the alliance! Trade, maritime borders… aha.

SCOTT: (Shoving in beside him, reading) “In order to ensure the longevity of this alliance, King Alinar and Queen Adella of Rivendell hereby promise the hand of their firstborn child in marriage to the child of Queen Marina of the Ocean Empire.” That’s me.

JIMMY: (Reading) “Should the child be a male, he and Princess Lizzie shall rule their own countries, but should the child be a female, she shall join Prince Jimmy in his duties as Prince of the Ocean Empire.” Well, that doesn’t seem entirely fair.

SCOTT: Neither is Rivendelli inheritance law. 

LIZZIE: Is that everything they wrote?

JIMMY: There’s more terms of the alliance, but that’s all they said about the betrothal.

LIZZIE: “In order to ensure the longevity of the alliance…” So, basically, we’re getting married to make sure a bunch of people in the past didn’t try to kill each other again?

SCOTT: Seems like it.

LIZZIE: Well, the alliance went fine, didn’t it? Rivendell and the Ocean Empire have been trade partners for years. I don’t know a single person in this empire who doesn’t wear Rivendelli wool. Could we argue that since the promise of our wedding has already served its purpose, we don’t actually need to get married?

SCOTT: I don’t know. It might send the message that the alliance is deteriorating, even if that isn’t true. 

JOEL: Yeah, also, do you think Her Majesty and Scott’s parents would allow that, even if it would work?

SCOTT: Good point.

LIZZIE: It might be our only hope for not calling off the wedding, though. Scott, when will you be coronated?

SCOTT: In three years, I believe. If my father steps down when he says he planned to.

LIZZIE: If we delay the wedding that long, you might be able to convince my mother not to make me marry you, or even revise the terms of the alliance. And even if you can’t, it might buy us time to think of a better plan. 

(Pause.)

JOEL: Uh, guys? We might want to leave before someone finds us here.

JIMMY: Oh, right. 

(He rolls up the treaty and places it back in the drawer, locking it.)

JIMMY: Who’s gonna give the keys back to Gem?

LIZZIE: I’ll find them on the floor.

SCOTT: I can’t ignore my lessons while I’m here. I’ll see you soon.

JIMMY: Wait! (He grabs SCOTT’s hand. SCOTT looks confused.) Uh, hands in the middle. ‘Cause we’re all in this together.

(JOEL and LIZZIE put their hands in the middle, but while their hands are atop SCOTT and JIMMY’s, the two princes are left holding hands.)

JIMMY: All for one and one for all, right? That’s a thing people say?

JOEL: Sure is. On three?

JIMMY: One, two, three-

ALL: All for one, and one for all! (Lights down.)

Chapter Text

(Open on a luxurious but impersonal bedroom. The lights are low, perhaps in a single spotlight indicating a moonbeam, and SCOTT is asleep in his bed.)

JIMMY: (Standing behind the window) Pst! Scott!

(SCOTT does not wake up. Unperturbed, JIMMY climbs into the room through the window.)

JIMMY: Hey! Wake up!

(SCOTT startles awake. He recoils and pulls his blanket up in front of him, before realizing who’s in his room.)

SCOTT: Jimmy? How did you get into my room? … Why did you get into my room?

JIMMY: I climbed across some balconies and decorations until I could stand on your windowsill and push the window in, and I wanted to go on a boat ride with you!

SCOTT: In the middle of the night?

JIMMY: Well, when else do we have free time?

SCOTT: …Fair, but why take me on a boat ride in the first place? Where are we going?

JIMMY: There is no “where”. It’s for fun! You can’t just go to the Ocean Empire and never go on the, well, the ocean!

SCOTT: …You’re not going to let me go back to sleep, are you?

JIMMY: Nope!

(SCOTT throws his covers off and stands up. Without bothering to change out of his pajamas, he puts on his shoes.)

JIMMY: Aww, you look so cute when you aren’t all dressed up.

SCOTT: (Not really angry) Shut up. (Pause. He glances at the window.) Can we leave through the door, though?

JIMMY: Yeah. Let me lead the way, I’ve been sneaking down to the beach since I was ten.

(JIMMY leads SCOTT out of the room. The set pieces move to indicate changing locations, culminating in the two princes reaching a dock with a boat. JIMMY steps in, but SCOTT hesitates.)

SCOTT: Are you sure this is safe?

JIMMY: Don’t worry, I checked the divinations. It’s a totally clear night.

SCOTT: No, it’s just that… 

JIMMY: Are you scared of the boat?

SCOTT: No! I just- don’t want to fall in.

JIMMY: I’ll help you.

(He stands and holds his hand out to SCOTT. SCOTT takes it and tentatively steps into the boat. He falls into JIMMY’s chest, and he catches him in his arms.)

JIMMY: You okay there?

SCOTT: Yeah.

(They sit down in the boat and row out. The dock pulls back, leaving them alone on stage together.)

SCOTT: It’s beautiful out here.

JIMMY: I know, right? We have to row close to the shore to avoid any passing ships, but you’d be amazed how peaceful it gets even a few meters out. 

SCOTT: And you’ve really been out here when you were ten?

JIMMY: Well, not alone- Lizzie used to take me, before she got too busy with classes. 

SCOTT: Still, that’s really impressive. I would have never had the guts to sneak out at night, even when I was old enough for it to be safe- but you could probably guess that.

JIMMY: Why?

SCOTT: Well, you saw how scared I was to even step into the boat. You think I would be brave enough to sneak out, and risk my parents finding out and raising hell?

JIMMY: Maybe not. But you are brave enough to fight against an arranged marriage, even when it would be so much easier to just let it happen. 

SCOTT: It wouldn’t be easy. I’d be married to someone I don’t love. Fighting back might be difficult in the moment, sure, but it’ll save me a lifetime of pretending. 

JIMMY: I guess we have different definitions of brave, then. (Pause.) But mine is right. 

SCOTT: No.

JIMMY: Yes. I’m calling you brave and there’s nothing you can do about it.

SCOTT: No!

JIMMY: (Mimicking his tone) Yes!

SCOTT: Okay, okay, okay. You said you snuck out a lot, right? Do you always come here? 

JIMMY: Sometimes. It’s harder for people to see me out here on the ocean, but the weather isn’t always right for it. I used to walk on the beaches, but once someone recognized me I had to stop.

SCOTT: You mean, people didn’t recognize you right away?

JIMMY: Yeah, I… don’t laugh.

SCOTT: Okay?

JIMMY: I put a bag over my head.

SCOTT: Oh my lord. 

JIMMY: Hey, it worked! I dressed down too. I think people just didn’t want to bother me ‘cause I looked so weird. But anyway, I was out on a walk and I saw this stray dog roaming the beach. And obviously, I went to pet it, because it looked lonely. But when I bent down, it grabbed the bag off my head! I knew I couldn’t walk back without it, so I had to chase it all across the beach- sorry, I’m rambling.

SCOTT: Why are you sorry?

JIMMY: I just talk a lot, I didn’t mean to take up all the time.

SCOTT: No, it’s okay. Did you catch the dog? 

JIMMY: Well, I couldn’t outrun it on the beach, so I thought I might have a better chance of cornering it if I chased it into the city. But the problem with the city is, there’s people there. So the whole lower bay district saw some crazy guy chasing a dog with a bag in its mouth, and I guess some palace servants saw, because by morning everyone knew that crazy guy was me.

SCOTT: Oh no!

JIMMY: So, yeah, now I can’t even go out with my face covered, ‘cause everyone would know it was me. 

SCOTT: Weren’t the palace officials furious? 

JIMMY: Oh, sure. But I’m not the heir, so I’m not under as much pressure. Me being an idiot only makes me look bad, and honestly my mother’s given up on saving my reputation.

SCOTT: That sounds… nice?

JIMMY: Yup. There are benefits to being the family disappointment!

SCOTT: If it makes you feel better, I think you’re smarter than all those stuffy council members combined.

JIMMY: You don’t really think that, do you?

SCOTT: Sure. At that garden party, when my dad was throwing a fit? I’ve never seen anyone calm him down that fast. Or confuse him? Either way, it worked. 

JIMMY: That’s smart?

SCOTT: Absolutely. I know I couldn’t do it. You’re a lot more clever than you give yourself credit for. Or other people give you credit for. 

(Pause.) 

JIMMY: Thank you. 

SCOTT: Man, how did we get this far out without rowing?

JIMMY: That’s the ocean current for ya. Are you tired?

SCOTT: Not really, you know?

JIMMY: Ah, just wait ‘till tomorrow. (Pause.) I’ll still take you back, though. (He rows the boat back to shore.)

SCOTT: Ooh, you’re gonna walk me home? What a gentleman. 

(JIMMY steps up onto the dock. This time, he doesn’t hesitate before holding out his hand to SCOTT. SCOTT takes it and steps up onto the dock, and he doesn’t let go.)

SCOTT: After you, your Highness.

JIMMY: Aw, and here I thought we were on a first name basis. 

SCOTT: Hm, I’m afraid not. We’ve only known each other a week, good sir! But if it makes you feel better, I could call you sweetheart.

(JIMMY laughs, hiding his face.)

SCOTT: Too far?

JIMMY: No, it’s a lot better than “your highness”. I think I’ll call you Scott, though. For now.

SCOTT: Works for me, sweetheart.

(They exit stage left, holding hands. Lights down.)

Chapter Text

(Lights up on a palace room, decorated with mirrors, chairs, dress forms, and other useful items for tailoring. LIZZIE sits in silence, with JOEL standing at attention behind her. Enter JOEY stage right, holding a bundle of fabric pieces and accessories, and a file.)

JOEY: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to get started? Well, gentleman, and I guess you won’t have quite as much of a say in the dress, but, you know, I want you to feel included.

(Long pause.)

JOEL: Oh. Uh, thanks. 

JOEY: Wow, okay. Guess you’re not the talkative type. (While putting the fabric scraps, accessories, and file on a table) Anyway, your highness, I’ve brought samples of nearly every type of white fabric available in this kingdom for you to sample. Once you have an idea of what fabric you like, I can design a muslin dress to complement it, and have the final dress ready for tailoring the day before your wedding.

LIZZIE: (Picking up a scrap) I… wow. This is a lot of choices. Do you recommend anything?

JOEY: Well! (Handing LIZZIE the samples) Chiffon and taffeta are always solid choices, but I was thinking zibeline could be a good choice. The wool could symbolize all the wealth the Ocean Empire has got from our alliance with Rivendell. But it may be a bit too warm for this time of year…

LIZZIE: (Clearly not understanding a word JOEY said) Uh huh. 

(Pause.)

JOEY: We don’t have to pick right now. Unless you want something very complicated, it shouldn’t take too long to source the fabric.

(JOEL perks up a little, and nudges LIZZIE.)

JOEY: Anyway, did you have an idea of what silhouette you want? I have cards with some designs…

(He turns away from JOEL and LIZZIE to mess with the file. JOEL nudges LIZZIE again.)

LIZZIE: What are you doing?

(JOEL silently gestures at LIZZIE.)

LIZZIE: What? 

JOEL: (Whispering) The plan.

LIZZIE: (Whispering) What??

JOEL: The plan! We need to delay the wedding!

LIZZIE: Right now? How?

JOEL: I don’t know, make a fuss! Say you hate everything he suggests!

JOEY: (Turning around) What the fuck are you two talking about?

LIZZIE: Nothing.

JOEL: (Simultaneously) Nothing. 

LIZZIE: I’ve thought of a design for the dress, actually. Of what I want it to look like, I mean.

JOEY: Oh? Do tell.

LIZZIE: You were saying something about picking a fabric- what if we made it out of lace?

JOEY: You mean, a lace bodice? We could also do a layer of lace over the skirts…

LIZZIE: No, I mean the whole thing out of lace.

(Pause.)

JOEY: Your highness, you’re aware lace is see-through, right?

LIZZIE: Oh, I know.

JOEY: Which would make it a bad material to make an entire dress out of without a backing?

LIZZIE: Well, couldn’t you just use many layers of lace until you can’t see anything through it?

JOEY: I… I guess? But it would be a massive waste of time and materials. To manufacture that much lace, just to wear once… it would take months, even if we employed every lacemaker in the kingdom.

LIZZIE: Okay. I’ll wait.

JOEY: You’ll wait?

JOEL: Yeah. She’ll wait as long as it takes to make enough lace. 

JOEY: Maybe you will, but I don’t think the Queen will. She already planned the wedding, so, pick something less labor intensive, please.

LIZZIE: I just want to look good on my wedding day!

JOEY: Listen up, Princess, I know a lot more about tailoring than you. A solid lace dress will only look and feel awkward. Anything I could come up with on my own would be ten times as good as a solid lace dress . I could sew a dress for your stupid brother and he’d look more like a Princess than you in a solid lace dress ! So why don’t you let me take the lead just this once. 

(Pause.)

JOEY: (To JOEL) Okay. Don’t say you want a suit of pure gold to guard the Princess in, or anything.

JOEL: I think I’ll give you creative freedom on this one.

JOEY: How kind of you! (He picks up his file, fabric scraps, and accessories, and exits stage left, muttering to himself.)

JOEL: Well, that went terribly. 

LIZZIE: I’m sorry. I don’t know anything about dressmaking.

JOEL: No, you did amazing. Joey’s the obstacle here. How do we delay him…

LIZZIE: I think we may have to try another strategy. I do not want to yell at that guy while he pokes needles very close to my body.

JOEL: Ugh. When you say it that way… Well, I just hope Scott and Jimmy have better luck.

LIZZIE: Yeah. Maybe they’ll find someone more willing to… listen to us.

(JOEY enters stage left.)

JOEY: Your highness? I’d like to get started on the muslin, and that isn’t exactly appropriate for everyone to see. (He gestures to the audience.)

LIZZIE: (Staring blankly at the audience) Who’s everyone?

JOEY: Never mind that, just follow me.

(They all exit stage right, led by JOEY.)

Chapter Text

(The stage transforms into a chapel. A pulpit stands in the middle, flanked by pews, and red ribbons and streamers decorate the whole area. Enter SAUSAGE from stage left, dressed in ceremonial robes and followed by SCOTT and JIMMY.)

SAUSAGE: Ah, beautiful! I’m so glad we were able to find a Church of the Blood Sheep large enough to hold a royal wedding in the beautiful Ocean Empire! Oh, everyone is going to be so thrilled! It’s going to be a beautiful ceremony!

SCOTT: Remind me why we’re having the ceremony in a Blood Church?

JIMMY: Yeah, nobody in either royal family worships blood sheep.

SAUSAGE: Oh, the Queen told me when she invited me over! Since Rivendell doesn’t have many Ocean worshippers, and no one here worships Aeor, she figured the only way to be fair is if the ceremony aligned with neither religion!

(Pause.)

JIMMY: Makes perfect sense. 

SCOTT: No it doesn’t! Wouldn’t it be more productive to at least make one of us happy?

JIMMY: No, actually, that sounds exactly like something my mother would do.

SAUSAGE: But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a say in the ceremony! We all want this to be a happy day for both the bride and the groom! So if there’s any way we can modify the ceremony to better represent your beliefs, I’d be glad to relay them to the wedding planning team.

SCOTT: (Under his breath) You could call the whole thing off.

JIMMY: What’s already been planned?

SAUSAGE: Well, we’ve sorted out all the less that pretty parts- timetables, a rain barrier spell, security to keep your adoring fans from crashing the party- but the decorations, catering, and general styling are still at a point where we could change them. I don’t suppose you want to keep the blood sheep theming…?

SCOTT: No.

JIMMY: (Simultaneously) No. 

SAUSAGE: Oh well! Worth a shot! 

SCOTT: Anyway, you said something about the ceremony incorporating aspects from both our cultures, right?

SAUSAGE: Absolutely!

SCOTT: What if the food reflected that? We could make a fusion of Ocean Empire and Rivendell cuisine! We could make winter stew with fish and sea vegetables, or that whole-eel dish with mutton-

SAUSAGE: That sounds like a brilliant idea! Our head chef in charge of catering actually specializes in fusion cuisine! I don’t think they’ve ever done Ocean Empire and Rivendelli cuisine before, but I’m sure they’ll love the challenge!

JIMMY: Or what if we carted flowers over from Rivendell for the decorations! And ice sculptures?

SAUSAGE: Another lovely idea! I heard they just invented a kind of never-melting ice, so it shouldn’t be difficult to ship over real ice sculptures from Rivendell! There won’t even be any cleanup!

JIMMY: Oh…

SAUSAGE: And the same magic could be used to preserve the flowers! We could fly them in on dragons to reduce the time, and have them in in time for the wedding without any delays!

SCOTT: Oh… good! 

JIMMY: And we should have golden plates and silverware, since gold is so important to Rivendell?

SAUSAGE: We already have a collection of gilded table dressings!

SCOTT: What about live deer and trained axolotls?

SAUSAGE: The axolotls will be easy- and if we can’t get any deer, we could find some shapeshifters to fill the role, I’m sure!

SCOTT: Um… could I talk to my friend for a moment?

SAUSAGE: Of course! Wouldn’t want you to forget anything for the happiest day of your life! You go talk, I’ll leave you alone! (He wanders off towards stage right, but continually looks back over his shoulder at SCOTT and JIMMY with barely disguised glee.)

JIMMY: (Under his breath) Great. None of that is going to delay the wedding in the slightest, and on top of that it’s going to be a massive mess!

SCOTT: Yeah… do you think we might possibly be able to… get Sausage to help us?

JIMMY: I don’t know. (Shouting) Sausage? Can we ask you something?

SAUSAGE: Yes? What can I do for the groom’s best friend? Anything I can do to help you help your bro?

(Pause.)

JIMMY: No.

SCOTT: (Simultaneously) No.

SAUSAGE: Okay! 

SCOTT: Great, now I feel like we’re letting this guy down as well as ourselves.

JIMMY: Listen, we have to keep trying to call off the wedding. At the very least, you need to keep your own head on, don’t you? You need to remember that this isn’t what you want. It’s the only thing they can’t take from you.

SCOTT: I know. I know.

(Enter LIZZIE and JOEL stage left. They pull SCOTT and JIMMY aside.)

LIZZIE: Any luck?

SCOTT: Nope. Every stupid thing we suggested, Sausage just figured out a way to get it in on time. What about you?

LIZZIE: I tried to demand a complicated dress and…

JOEL: Joey did not listen. 

JIMMY: Wait, so all this work, and we couldn’t even push the wedding back by a single day?

SCOTT: Seems like it. 

JIMMY: But- but we only have a few days! That’s not enough time to think of another plan, how are we going to- 

(Enter MARINA stage left.)

LIZZIE: Look, I’m sure we’ll think of-

MARINA: What will you think of, dear?

(LIZZIE jumps.)

SAUSAGE: (Bowing extravagantly) Your Majesty! So lovely to see you here! 

MARINA: How has the planning been going?

SAUSAGE: Wonderful, wonderful! The Prince and the Princess have all sorts of ideas- ice sculptures, fusion food, trained axolotls- it’s gonna be awesome!

MARINA: I see. 

LIZZIE: Actually, maybe we can keep it simple- gaudy royal weddings are so overdone-

SAUSAGE: Oh, I thought it was a nice idea. A symbolic union of your two countries, two families, for ever and ever and ever!

SCOTT: It’s a political alliance.

SAUSAGE: Made of love!

MARINA: Lizzie, I need to speak to you alone for a moment. Prince Scott, Sausage, feel free to continue your talks.

LIZZIE: Yes, mother. (She walks towards MARINA with JOEL in tow.)

SAUSAGE: Absolutely! Hey, do they call it a “stag party” in Rivendell too?

(SAUSAGE, SCOTT, and JIMMY exit stage right, with all the set pieces moving to give the illusion that LIZZIE and MARINA have moved to a different room. Enter several GUARDS from stage left and right.) 

MARINA: Your guard can stay back as well.

JOEL: Yes, your Majesty. (He exits stage right.)

LIZZIE: What did you wish to speak about, mother?

MARINA: I heard how you talked to that poor dressmaker. It was absolutely unacceptable. Haven’t I taught you to respect the lower classes?

LIZZIE: Of course, mother. I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was talking about.

MARINA: Everyone has their skills. Joey couldn’t rule a country, and you, evidently, cannot design a dress. It’s important everyone knows their place, no matter where they fall on the social ladder.

LIZZIE: Yes, mother. Is that all? (She starts to back away towards stage right.)

MARINA: I heard about your and the Prince’s little plot.

LIZZIE: Our what?

MARINA: You didn’t really want a lace dress. You just wanted to put off the wedding. Am I right?

LIZZIE: Mother-

MARINA: Don’t bother. We’ve had this wedding planned since before you could read, so don’t think you can get out of it just because you’re scared to marry Prince Scott.

LIZZIE: I’m not scared.

MARINA: No?

LIZZIE: I’m not. I’m angry. My entire life is being turned upside down to secure an alliance that’s been going strong for two decades.

MARINA: Your entire life- don’t be dramatic! It’s just marriage. You go through with the wedding, you play nice for the public, and that’s the end of it. What’s the issue?

LIZZIE: The issue is, I don’t love Scott, and I don’t want to marry him. I have done so much to “play nice for the public” already! I wore clothes I hated, I acted nice to people who don’t respect me, I shut up about being bi, just like you asked- and it still isn’t enough. No matter how much I hide, there’s always something poking out I need to cut off. And Scott sure as a star doesn’t love me, so why should we have to get married? Why cut off any chances for future romance, or even alliances to other-

MARINA: (Interrupting) You don’t love him? Is that what this is about? What could you possibly know about love?

LIZZIE: More than you, evidently! I wouldn’t force my daughter to throw her own happiness away.

MARINA: Then perhaps you’re not as ready to rule as I thought you were. Guards!

(The GUARDS step forward and grab LIZZIE, pinning her arms behind her back.)

LIZZIE: Hey- ow! What are you doing?

MARINA: Oh well. I suppose this is why no queen rules alone. If you won’t do what’s right for your kingdom, then I will make you do what’s right. The next time you leave your room will be your wedding day.

LIZZIE: You can’t do this to me, momma.

(The GUARDS begin to drag LIZZIE towards stage right.)

LIZZIE: Stop it! Joel! Help!

MARINA: You’ll thank me for this lesson later. Let it teach you that every speck of power you wield is in service of your people, not yourself.

LIZZIE: Wait-

(The GUARDS pull a thrashing, protesting LIZZIE off stage right, and MARINA exits stage left. Lights down.) 

END OF ACT TWO

Chapter Text

(Set the stage to form two separate bedrooms. Lights up on the bedroom on stage right, where SCOTT lies awake in bed. JIMMY climbs in through his window.)

JIMMY: Hey. 

SCOTT: Hey.

JIMMY: How’s this for a bachelor party, eh?

SCOTT: (Sitting up) More like a bachelor pity party. I know it kind of sucks to call the day before my wedding my last day of freedom, but in my case, I think I’m justified. 

(JIMMY sits down next to SCOTT.)

JIMMY: Well, you don’t have to spend it alone.

SCOTT: Thank you. I genuinely appreciate that.

(Pause.)

SCOTT: Can I hug you? 

(JIMMY pulls SCOTT against himself, and SCOTT buries his face in his shoulder. Lights down on stage right, and lights up on stage left and LIZZIE’s bedroom. She and JOEL are in a nearly identical position to SCOTT and JIMMY.)

LIZZIE: I’m gonna miss you.

JOEL: I know.

LIZZIE: I swear, I’ll miss you every single day of my life.

JOEL: (Stroking her hair) We don’t have to be apart, you know. I can still be your bodyguard. 

LIZZIE: I know. I just don’t want to keep us a secret all our lives, Joel! I want to hold your hand outside this room, for once!

JOEL: (Choking up) I know. 

LIZZIE: Stars, I’m sorry. This is probably ten times as hard for you. 

JOEL: Yeah, well, I’m trying not to think about that. Can I… can I tell you how I knew I was in love with you again?

LIZZIE: Yeah. Please.

(Lights down on the left bedroom, lights up on the right bedroom.) 

JIMMY: I’m sorry you can’t love my sister.

SCOTT: Yeah.

JIMMY: She’s really great, I promise. If you’re not being forced to marry her, I guess.

SCOTT: It doesn’t matter much how I’d’ve met her, seeing as I’m gay. 

JIMMY: (Pulling back a little) You are?

SCOTT: Was it not obvious?

JIMMY: Hey, go easy on me. I’m not smart. (SCOTT scoots away, but JIMMY pulls him back into a hug.) Thanks for telling me. 

SCOTT: I mean, I’m sure if I was straight I’d be happy to marry her. She’s really clever, and she took it really well when I asked her to help me get the wedding canceled. So that’s another good thing to come out of this whole ordeal, I suppose.

JIMMY: What’s the first thing?

SCOTT: Meeting you.

(Lights down on the right bedroom, lights up on the left bedroom. LIZZIE is lying on top of JOEL casually.) 

JOEL: So, obviously you can’t.

LIZZIE: No. My kingdom needs me, Joel. Jimmy is great and all, but he’s…

JOEL: A moron?

LIZZIE: Joel! (She smacks him lightly.)

JOEL: Sorry, sorry! … But was I wrong?

LIZZIE: His heart’s in the right place. He just hasn’t had the same training as me, is all. He wouldn’t make a good king.

JOEL: Right.

(Pause.)

LIZZIE: But if he would…

JOEL: I’ve heard Pixandria is really lax about checking identification documents. We could run away, disguise ourselves, pick up fake IDs in the Grimlands and… settle down. Get married.

LIZZIE: Is this a proposal?

JOEL: I wish it was. I don’t even have a ring for you.

LIZZIE: I’d say yes, if it was.

JOEL: Please don’t get my hopes up. 

(Lights down on the left bedroom, lights up on the right bedroom.) 

SCOTT: By the way, thank you.

JIMMY: Hm?

SCOTT: For, you know, making so much of an effort to spend time with me. It could have been pretty lonely here without you.

JIMMY: Oh, it was absolutely no problem. You’re a really… a really great guy. 

SCOTT: Still. I don’t know how I would have held up without you. That boat trip was… special. I’m glad I got to do that with you.

(SCOTT takes JIMMY’s hands and smiles at him.)

JIMMY: Can I ask you something? 

(Lights down on the right bedroom, lights up on the left bedroom.)

LIZZIE: I feel kinda bad for Jimmy, too.

JOEL: I said I was sorry for calling him an idiot.

LIZZIE: No, not that- he’s just. Pretty clearly crushing on Scott. 

JOEL: Oh no.

LIZZIE: Man, this wedding is just… absolutely terrible for everyone, isn’t it? (She sniffles.) Stars, why is this what makes me finally start crying?

(Lights down on the left bedroom, lights up on the right bedroom.)

JIMMY: Did you want to get married at all? Like, if Lizzie were a man, would it be better?

SCOTT: Sure, it’d be better. Still not too pleased about marrying someone I met two weeks ago.

JIMMY: Do you even want to get married at all?

SCOTT: Jimmy, I’m twenty. And I haven’t exactly had the most worldly experience, have I? I mean, that boat ride with you was the first date I’ve ever been on.

JIMMY: That was a date?

SCOTT:  Whoops.

(Lights down on the right bedroom, lights up on the left bedroom.)

LIZZIE: Here. Take this. (She takes off one of her rings, and gives it to JOEL.)

JOEL: I see you’ve got me covered.

LIZZIE: I was just thinking- even if we can’t be together- don’t forget me. 

JOEL: You know I never could. (Choking up) Who could forget the most beautiful, intelligent, special person in their life?

(Lights down on the left bedroom, lights up on the right bedroom.)

SCOTT: I didn’t mean-

JIMMY: No, no, it’s okay-

SCOTT: I really don’t wanna make this awkward, I like you like a friend, alright?

JIMMY: Oh, that’s a shame. Because I… I would have liked you to be much more.

SCOTT: You would?

(Lights up on both sides of the room.)

JOEL: (Crying) Hey. Hey, it’s okay. I- we’ll find a way. Not being allowed to be together never stopped us before, eh?

LIZZIE: (Also crying) May I kiss you?

JIMMY: (Simultaneously) May I kiss you?

JOEL: Yes.

SCOTT: (Simultaneously) Yes.

(JIMMY and LIZZIE lean in to kiss SCOTT and JOEL. Lights down just before their lips meet, and when they come up again, the couples are just breaking apart.)

JIMMY: Do you think anyone would notice if I stayed the night?

SCOTT: You’d have to make sure to be out before morning. I think they’re going to escort me to the venue at sword point, and I don’t think the guards would be pleased to see you here with me.

JIMMY: Eh, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

(Lights down on the right side of the stage.)

LIZZIE: You know, this might be our last night together. 

JOEL: I do know that.

LIZZIE: I don’t want to leave you without something to remember me by. And something to remember you by, as well.

JOEL: Then- I’ll stay?

LIZZIE: You’d better.

(They kiss. Lights down.)

Chapter Text

(Lights up on a darkened hallway. Enter JIMMY from stage right and JOEL from stage left, both a little disheveled. They quickly walk across the stage, not looking where they are going, until they bump into each other.)

JOEL: Ugh! Sorry. (Pause.) Jimmy? What are you doing here?

JIMMY: I could ask you the same!

JOEL: I asked you first. 

JIMMY: Fine. If you must know, I was… visiting Scott.

JOEL: In the middle of the night?

JIMMY: Well, I couldn’t just leave him alone on the night before he gets married. I figured he’d want the company, you know? Instead of being alone with his thoughts.

JOEL: That’s sweet. No, really, it is. I mean, I’m messed up right now, and I’m technically still free. I can’t imagine how Scott and Lizzie feel.

JIMMY: Thanks, but, uh, this wasn’t exactly a charity mission. If you know what I mean. 

JOEL: Huh? Oh. Um, congratulations?

JIMMY: Yeah. Honestly, I wonder if I made a mistake telling him how I feel about him. I mean, if we had more time together- but even then, it would have only been a few extra days. Tomorrow, he’ll be married to my sister, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it, and it might be more painful because he knows there was another choice. That if someone hadn’t signed some random paper two decades ago, he could have actually been in love. Not that I think what we have is love! But you get what I’m saying, don’t you? 

JOEL: I do, I do. (Pause.) Would you marry Scott, if you could?

JIMMY: Wow, way to ask the tough questions.

JOEL: Well, would you?

JIMMY: That’s not fair! I’ve only known him for a few days! Sure, he’s really cute, and he doesn’t laugh at me even when I do something stupid, and he says I’m really talented even though I don’t know anything about ruling, but again, hardly know him. You’re not supposed to marry someone you just met, right? 

JOEL: Unless it’s been arranged twenty years ago, apparently. 

JIMMY: Apparently. But maybe if those diplomats had thought just a bit ahead and let Scott choose who to marry, he could have picked me and things would be a bit better. We’d still have just met, of course, but I’d be a man and- oh, who am I kidding. I do love him, Joel. I’m smitten to the core.

JOEL: (Slapping him on the back) There you go! I knew you’d get there eventually.

JIMMY: You’re mean, you know that? Get a man to admit his love right before it’s about to be snatched away. Maybe it would have been easier if I’d known him for a long time, and I had to break off a relationship, but I just feel like- like a field of flowers all cut down before they could bloom.

JOEL: Trust me, it’s way worse to break off a relationship. 

JIMMY: How would you know that?

JOEL: Well, where do you think I was tonight?

JIMMY: … Getting snacks?

JOEL: While you were confessing to Scott, I was spending… well, hopefully not my last night with Lizzie. And doing much the same thing as you were, I believe. 

JIMMY: Huh?

JOEL: We’ve been secretly together for four years. 

JIMMY: (Extremely loudly) WHAT?

(JOEL shushes him.)

JIMMY: Four years? Four years, and neither of you told me? I thought we were friends, Joel!

JOEL: Well, given how you reacted, I think we may have made the right call!

JIMMY: I wouldn’t have told anyone!

JOEL: Maybe not on purpose.

(Pause.) 

JIMMY: So that time when you were feeding Lizzie cake and stopped when I walked in-

JOEL: Yup.

JIMMY: And that time we were in the garden and you and Lizzie jumped apart every time I looked at-

JOEL: Yup.

JIMMY: And that time I walked into Lizzie’s room without knocking and you-

JOEL: (Cutting him off) Listen, let’s just assume that every time you saw Lizzie and me close enough to touch, there was something going on there.

JIMMY: Sure. (Pause.) Joel, am I stupid?

JOEL: A bit, yeah. 

JIMMY: I’m sorry about you and Lizzie. But at least I don’t have to mope about losing her alone. We can be grief buddies!

JOEL: Wait. Wait a second. I’m not going to lose her, and you’re not going to lose Scott, either. 

JIMMY: What?

JOEL: There’s eight hours ‘till sunrise, aren’t there?

JIMMY: You can’t seriously think there’s anything we can do to stop the wedding now, can you?

JOEL: I have an idea. A stupid idea, mind you, but with your help…

(JOEL whispers in JIMMY’s ear for a while. JIMMY visibly reacts with shock.)

JIMMY: You really think that will work?

JOEL: Am I sure? No. But it’s probably our only chance to save Scott and Lizzie. So, are you in?

(JIMMY hesitates, then takes JOEL’s hand.)

JIMMY: Yes. I trust you. Now let’s get going, we’ve got a lot of work to do!

(They both run off stage right. Lights down.)

Chapter Text

(While the lights are still down, enter NOBLES, JOEY, LIZZIE (costumed in a way that conceals her face) and GEM (holding a scroll) into the audience. They sit in the audience, either in deliberately unfilled seats in the front and along the sides of the audience, or in folding chairs that they carry with them. Allow the actors to interact with the children in the audience for a few moments (discussing how exciting the wedding is, asking which of the kingdoms they are from, etc) before bringing the lights up on the stage. It is set like the chapel, but decorated for a royal wedding. SAUSAGE stands at the pulpit, with SCOTT and JOEL standing on his right, both in fancy dress. ALINAR, ADELLA, MARINA, and additional NOBLES sit on pews on stage, with GUARDS flanking the sides of the stage and MUSICIANS playing softly on stage right. Every actor except the one playing JIMMY should be on stage or in the audience at this point.)

SAUSAGE: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today not just to celebrate the union of two royals, but also the union of the countries they represent. Two decades ago, before our lovebirds ever met, the glorious Queen Marina and King Alinar pledged their children to each other to guarantee the end of years of war, and today, we honor this promise. Though Prince Scott and Princess Lizzie met only two weeks ago, and have spent their entire time knowing each other preparing for the wedding, I’m sure they’ll make a perfect and stable royal couple that will always make the best choices for both of our countries!

ALINAR: Cut to the point, you fool! 

SAUSAGE: Who’s officiating this wedding, your Majesty, you or me? Anyway, Rivendell and the Ocean Empire may have been brought together in a time of great strife, but after twenty years of peace, it is my honor to bring together these two heirs to make the alliance even stronger! 

(The MUSICIANS begin playing a wedding march. Spotlight on the back of the theater as JIMMY enters, dressed in a wedding dress that covers all of his recognizable features. He approaches the stage down the center aisle of the theater, followed by the spotlight. Upon reaching the stage, he can climb temporary stairs placed for the scene or enter from stage left to stand across from SCOTT.) 

SCOTT: (Whispering) You ready?

(JIMMY nods.) 

SAUSAGE: In the spirit of the alliance between Rivendell and the Ocean Empire becoming even stronger and longer lasting, I think we’ll skip straight to the vows, how does that sound?

MARINA: What? That’s unacceptable! After we gathered all these guests? (She gestures at the audience.) Who hired this clown?

ALINAR: I think you did. 

SCOTT: (Obviously forced) No, no, I agree with Sausage- I just, uh, just can’t wait to marry Princess Lizzie, your Majesty!

SAUSAGE: Wonderful! See, the Prince agrees with me! Now, repeat after me- I, Scott of Rivendell-

SCOTT: I, Scott of Rivendell- 

SAUSAGE: Take the heir to the Ocean Empire as my lawfully wedded spouse-

SCOTT: Take the heir to the Ocean Empire as my lawfully wedded spouse-

ADELLA: (Talking over SCOTT) Is anyone getting a suspicious feeling from this?

ALINAR: (Also talking over SCOTT) Don’t interrupt the ceremony.

SAUSAGE: (Loudly) For richer, for poorer- although since you’re a prince, I doubt you’ll ever be poorer- in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do you part, and no sooner?

SCOTT: I do.

SAUSAGE: (Turning to JIMMY) And do you take Prince Scott as your lawfully wedded husband for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish ‘till death do you part?

ADELLA: I’m just saying, something seems really-

JIMMY: I do.

ADELLA: Okay, that’s definitely not the princess!

SAUSAGE: You may now kiss!

(JIMMY throws off his veil and kisses SCOTT. All cast members in the audience gasp, and ALINAR and MARINA leap to their feet.)

SAUSAGE: I now pronounce you husbands!

MARINA: No, you do not! Jimmy, what are you doing? Is this your idea of a prank? 

JIMMY: No, this is a wedding. 

MARINA: It was supposed to be your sister’s! Where is she?

(Enter LIZZIE from the front of the stage.)

LIZZIE: Right here! (She throws off her disguise.)

MARINA: Explain yourself.

LIZZIE: It’s quite simple, actually. I didn’t want to marry Scott. Jimmy did. So, we just switched places!

MARINA: This is a clear breach of the peace treaty! 

ALINAR: Oh, I agree- on your part!

(The Ocean Empire GUARDS rouse, putting their hands on their swords, and ALINAR readies to fistfight MARINA. The audience members gasp. Enter GEM from the front of the stage, carrying her scroll.)

GEM: Actually, it isn’t! (She unrolls the scroll) According to the original treaty drafted by yourself and King Alinar of Rivendell, he promised the hand of his firstborn, Scott, to your child, and that if the child was a male- which Scott is- he and Lizzie would each act as rulers of their own countries. But you never actually specified that if King Alinar and Queen Adella’s firstborn was male, he had to marry Lizzie.

ALINAR: Of course we didn’t! It’s just obvious!

GEM: Unfortunately for you, “obvious” doesn’t hold up in a court of law.

MARINA: Never mind about the treaty. Sausage, I demand you annul this fraudulent union and marry Scott and Lizzie immediately!

GEM: Additionally, Ocean Empire law forbids the dissolution of any legal union of family, recognized by any nation, without the consent of at least one party.

SCOTT: I don’t consent!

JIMMY: Me neither. 

ALINAR: How did nobody notice this?

(Enter JOEY from the front of the stage.)

JOEY: That would be my doing. I told you I could turn a man into a princess! Also, since I’m absolutely fired, please consider hiring me as your personal tailor! (He throws business cards into the audience.)

SAUSAGE: Well, with the treaty fulfilled and the couple happy, my job here is done! Goodbye! (He begins to exit stage right.)

LIZZIE: Wait! (She grabs JOEL by the wrist and drags him to center stage.) Give me your sword. 

JOEL: Uh, okay? (He gives LIZZIE his sword.)

LIZZIE: Now kneel.

JOEL: Bit forward of you. I like it. (He kneels.)

(LIZZIE taps JOEL’S shoulders with his own sword.)

LIZZIE: I now dub you Sir Joel of the Ocean Empire. (To SAUSAGE) Now marry us, quick!

MARINA: Do not marry them! I can accept my son marrying a prince, if it keeps our alliance to Rivendell, but my daughter marrying a commoner is just unacceptable!

JOEL: Actually, I’m not a commoner anymore. She just knighted me. 

MARINA: You know what I mean!

SAUSAGE: (Yelling) Do you, Princess Lizzie-

ALINAR: Stop this at once! This is the most selfish, short-sighted behavior I have ever seen, even from the meanest, most dishonorable baron in the kingdom! And from the heirs to the throne, no less!

SCOTT: How is this selfish? No, tell me how marrying the prince of the Ocean Empire is any different from marrying the princess, except that one makes me happy and the other doesn’t. You say we’re selfish for marrying who we love, but what good would marrying someone we hate do? Would it make us better rulers? Or would it only make us resent the citizens that require us to give up our futures?

LIZZIE: Exactly. Being selfless means doing what’s best for the people, not denying ourselves happiness for no reason.

ADELLA: But- but you can’t just marry for love! Royals just don’t do that!

SCOTT: Well, maybe it’s about time we start. 

JOEL: I don’t mean to interrupt, but, uh, weren’t Lizzie and I going to get married?

MARINA: (Weakly) No…

SAUSAGE: Oh, yes! Sir Joel, do you take Lizzie to be your lawfully wedded wife?

JOEL: (Cutting him off) Yes. I mean, I do.

SAUSAGE: And Princess Lizzie, do you take Joel to be your husband?

LIZZIE: I do!

SAUSAGE: Then I pronounce you man and wife! (Starting to leave) Now I really have to go, but thank you for-

ALINAR: Actually, can you wait a moment?

SAUSAGE: Oh, come on!

ALINAR: I was always taught that being a ruler meant sacrificing your happiness for your people. It was a safeguard, you see, to make sure we didn’t abuse our power. I never considered that I could be happy and care about my people. So I married your mother, and well… I have nothing left to lose- I hated every second of it. But I couldn’t complain, or it would shatter the image of a perfect royal family, so I took it out on you, Scott. I’m sorry. You have my blessing, and- if you please, Adella, I have a proposition to make. (He gets down on one knee in front of ADELLA.) Queen Adella, will you do the honor of divorcing me?

ADELLA: (Squealing and jumping for joy) Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

SAUSAGE: What a happy ending! Unfortunately, I don’t do divorces. You gotta go see my buddy Carlos for that. See ya! (SAUSAGE hastily exits stage right. ALINAR and ADELLA exit stage left, presumably to find Carlos, and the NOBLES in the audience begin to leave through the aisles.)

MARINA: I need to sit down.

(LIZZIE helps her sit down on a pew.)

MARINA: Well! I can’t say I’m not impressed. 

LIZZIE: Wait, does that mean you’re not mad?

JOEY: (Simultaneously) Does that mean I’m not fired?

MARINA: Oh no, I’m absolutely furious. But I won’t be around to tell you what to do for your entire reign and, as much as I disapprove of sneaking behind my back, you wouldn’t be a good queen if you did whatever other people told you to. (Beat.) And no, Joey, I’m not firing you. 

JOEY: Yes! 

MARINA: I just wish you hadn’t hatched your plan in front of the entire kingdom. What will they think now?

JIMMY: That they don’t have to go through with marriages they don’t want either?

MARINA: When you put it that way, it sounds almost sensible. 

JIMMY: Because it is! So much of what we do is dictated by someone else- royals and citizens alike. But often, when you stand up against it, you find that nothing bad really comes of it. You just need to take the first step to prove it. And maybe we took a bit of a larger step than most, but hey! The only thing I regret was not being able to have a real proposal.

GEM: If it makes you feel better, there’s still time for a real honeymoon!

JIMMY: Gem!

GEM: What? Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking about it.

LIZZIE: Honestly, at this point? I just want to go to bed.

JOEL: (Realizing) I could go with you!

MARINA: It has been a long day, hasn’t it? We’ll have hell to pay in the morning. The press will want an explanation, the guests will want us to make up for this… but we won’t get anything done in this state. You’re right to get some rest, Lizzie. It’s very… responsible of you.

LIZZIE: (Pause) Thank you.

(LIZZIE, JOEL, SCOTT, and JIMMY begin to exit stage right, while MARINA begins to exit stage left, but stops and looks back.)

MARINA: Oh, and Prince Scott? Sir Joel?

SCOTT: Yes?

JOEL: (Simultaneously) Yes, your Majesty?

MARINA: You have my blessing. 

(She exits stage left. The couples exit stage right. Lights down, curtains close.)

END OF ACT THREE

CURTAIN CALL

THE END