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Ed learns something new and surprising about his shy friend Stede.
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On a quiet night together after their reunion and reconciliation, Ed asks Stede to tell him a very private sort of story.
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Just Can't Get Enough by oatmilktruther for anathxmadevice
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
25 Jan 2026
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Ed should know better.
Does know better, did know better.
Did know, when him and Stede were kissing-turned-making-out-turned-not-so-dry-humping, and he said, "Oh, you poor, needy thing, you," when he gave Ed that particular smile, the one hiding the razor glint of his canines, when he said, "Do you need to come?"
Ed absofuckinglutely knew it was a trap, and probably not a fun one.
So of course he said yes.
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three birds with one stone by florence_after_midnight, lovedhands
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
14 Dec 2025
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Stede moans, louder now, and it’s not entirely on purpose.
Ed lifts her head, curiously peeking over the top of her phone and across the garden.
When her eyes land on Stede, she stops mid-motion.
When Stede puts on a show for the hot girl next door, his lure draws in much more attention than he anticipated.
Series
- Part 20 of lovedhands pee extravaganza (Omovember 2025)
- Part 4 of dancing on eggshells
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Stede likes a bit of humiliation.
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A 3:10 to Yuma AU. 1880s Arizona. Inept "Gentleman Rancher" Stede Bonnet volunteers to escort infamous outlaw Edward Teach to justice. Along the way, he'll have to choose between the man he wants and the man he wants to be.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 45,452
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 249
- Kudos:
- 156
- Bookmarks:
- 50
- Hits:
- 2,383
Bookmarked by zstraps
03 Dec 2025
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Ed lets himself think about it. Immerses himself in the candlelight flicker of it all, the steely glow of the moon through arched windows. The vulnerable peek of Stede’s throat under that black turtleneck, the shape of his back, his shoulderblades, the obscene curve of his waist, the radiating heat of him. The bed nook. He never got to sink inside Stede there, but his knife almost did.
(or: For totally innocent reasons, Stede wants to know just exactly how Ed was planning to murder him.)
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Whatever Happened to Blackbeard? by PerpendicularPotato
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
25 Jun 2025
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Summary
Edward blinked at the piece of paper in his hands.
It was one of his old wanted posters. The one with the big nose and the crazy eyes and the writing on the back.
They had all had crazy eyes though, hadn’t they?
This specific one however had been re-titled in bright red paint ‘The Gentleman Pirate’s Bitch’. And underneath—presumably in thoughtful consideration for the wide-spread illiteracy amongst pirates—there was a crude drawing (in both senses of the word) helpfully illustrating that very statement.
It's been a few years—post-piracy, post-myth, post-Blackbeard—and despite all odds, Edward has done the work and found peace.
But the world never got to witness the legend’s grand downfall, so now they just won't stop poking the corpse and drawing dicks on its face.
And for some reason, this time... Edward just can’t look away.
The celebration of a life post-public gaze, the reclamation of narrative and the most meta revenge-hatefuck fantasy imaginable—staged by two soft fucking lunatics in love.
Bookmarked by zstraps
11 Nov 2025
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Lucius’ eyes narrow. “You know, he’s not that smart. Maybe you should just tell him what you want.” Both of their eyes turn to Stede, who is studiously not looking their way. Ed scratches at her belly; makes a considering noise.
“Oh, he knows. I’m just playing with my food.”
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Finally, at 42, pop star Edward Teach is about to get his fairytale ending. He’s got the perfect guy—handsome, kind, patient, and most importantly: crazy about Ed. When his boyfriend proposes, it should be an easy yes, yes, a million times yes! There’s just one problem. Ed’s kinda sorta already married, and he hasn’t spoken to the guy in seventeen years.
Series
- Part 1 of Right Where You Left Me
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 188,911
- Chapters:
- 34/38
- Comments:
- 1,459
- Kudos:
- 301
- Bookmarks:
- 83
- Hits:
- 12,945
Bookmarked by zstraps
06 Nov 2025
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Routine Pelvic Exam by Pumpkinseed_Sunfish for burberrylou, alwaysan_angel
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
07 Jan 2023
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Summary
What do you want me to say?? You read the tags!
Stede sees a new gynecologist and they help relieve the discomfort he feels during intercourse.
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Summary
Ed crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged, casual. “It’s just bodies, Stede. They’re weird. They do stuff sometimes.”
Stede peered up at him cautiously. “Yeah?”
“What, you think you’re the first person who’s ever gotten a boner during a physical?” Ed scoffed. “Hate to break it to you, but you’re not special.”
Granted, no one Ed had treated had ever had an orgasm while Ed’s finger was still inside them but that was neither here nor there.
**
Stede comes in for his annual prostate exam. Things do not go as planned.
Based on that tweet that's like "if y'all having a bad day just letting y'all know my co-worker got his prostate exam and when the doc touched his prostate he nutted immediately and fell down knocking over some equipment"
Bookmarked by zstraps
03 Sep 2025
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At first, it’s just an irritation. A jiggling foot from too much caffeine, or an unfortunate tic he doesn’t quite have under control. But it just gets worse, and worse, until he’s practically vibrating, every movement sending their little table rocking precariously on the wonky floor. Izzy’s pretentious craft ale sloshes in his glass — seven quid a bloody pint, they’re charging for this swill, and Izzy’s sure as hell not going to let Bonnet upend it ‘cause he can’t sit still.
Because Izzy is… well. An expert, of sorts. And in his considerable expertise, he reckons Bonnet is maybe twenty fucking minutes from pissing himself, in front of everyone he fucking knows and plenty of people he doesn’t.
*
Or: Izzy has no idea how he ends up coaching Stede through a piss kink awakening. He really has no idea how he ends up awakening a thing or two of his own to boot.
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Maybe this is all real, including the clean-shaven, well-adjusted version of himself sitting on the bed. In which case: why? And also, like, how?
Could be it’s the universe taking the piss. Showing him the timeline he could’ve been living in, if Stede cared enough to come back and find him. He could’ve been this other Ed, who apparently got Stede back and has learned to talk plainly about all the shit he’s feeling.
Could be it’s some, like, glimpse of the future? Like a warning? Like hey, Ed, you should think twice about offing yourself, because Stede’s actually about to show up any second, and you maybe kinda want to be alive for that?
Ha. Yeah, right.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 29,827
- Chapters:
- 6/6
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 117
- Kudos:
- 65
- Bookmarks:
- 14
- Hits:
- 1,328
Bookmarked by zstraps
24 Jul 2025
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Summary
He and Stede rarely got through the day without spending some sort of time together. Ed thought he might be a bit in love with him, even though he was going slightly insane listening to him masturbate at night.
Ah, right. The shared wall thing.
Turns out they were quite thin.
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Ed and Stede live in neighboring flats, and over the years Ed has fallen for Stede hard. The problem is, Ed's guilty pleasure is listening to Stede get himself off at night with a vibrating sex toy.
Hilarity and chaos ensues when Ed buys the same model of butt plug for himself, and finds out the hard way that their shared wall is so thin that the remote for Stede's plug can control his too.
Series
- Part 2 of Out of Control
Bookmarked by zstraps
07 Jul 2025
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Summary
I like to say we live in the moment.
It’s a little joke, see, even if it’s not very funny. You always laugh anyway.
I remember all your laughs. A fresh set to go with every new place.
This one’s got laugh lines deep enough to get lost in. I know, because I have.
Gotten lost, that is.
Bookmarked by zstraps
27 Jun 2025
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Summary
Stede and Ed's relationship ended months ago, but Stede hasn't been able to let it go. He's amazed when Ed agrees to participate in The Ex-House with him, sharing a tiny house on live television for six weeks to win the grand prize.
“Hello, Edward!” he says, forcing brightness. Remembers to look at his face - two seconds at a time is perfectly acceptable, look at the face, not directly into the eyes - tries to remember to turn his lips up into a friendly smile. Behind Ed, the door whooshes closed again and leaves them in silence.
Ed’s fully clad in leather, which is always a good look for him. Slight hint of eyeliner. One arm bare, showing off the winding snake tattooed into his skin. Beard trimmed short. Hair up, as well, properly styled. Small silver dagger earring dangling from one ear.
He looks unapproachably hot. The kind of guy that would skim over Stede without a second glance. The kind of guy that would sniff out Stede’s oddness in a second and push Stede down as a way to lift himself up. There are probably people watching on their televisions right now, wondering how the hell the two people in this room were ever together in the first place.
Series
- Part 1 of The Ex-House
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Summary
Stede has always been Ed’s.
Well, technically, there was the brief pointless time before he’d met her. But as much as Stede cared to remember, as much as he found worth considering, as long as Stede had been anyone, he’d been Ed’s.
Certainly not romantically.
With her the crown princess, and he a simple knight, certainly not.
But still.
He was hers. -
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Summary
Pure filth. Lucius is browsing for some quality porn and ends up on a weird little farm roleplay where Izzy's quite literally getting milked by Farmer Stede. In every sense.
Series
- Part 6 of Stizzy Filth Without Focus
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Summary
Ed has been in the Gravy Basket for one year and eighteen weeks.
Lumon is always watching. Dr. Hornigold is always ready with another test. And Ed remembers none of it.
No matter how many times they wake Ed up and put him to sleep, spinning him around blindfolded in this maze — his body knows how long he’s been here. His body always remembers.
Inspired by Severance season 2, episode 7, Chikhai Bardo
Bookmarked by zstraps
22 May 2025