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“What else can I do, Lucius?” Stede asked, voiced strained with desperation.
“Have you tried sucking his cock? I find that’s an extremely efficient method of communication.”
“Lucius! I’ve never –”
“Exactly! You have never and will never if you don’t do something more direct.”
“More direct? What’s more direct than a treasure hunt?”
“Literally anything.” -
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On paper, Ed's life is going pretty damn good. He's engaged, he and Stede just bought a house, started his dream job, and everything is looking up. But things are changing too fast, and Ed needs to learn that change doesn't mean things will be bad, it just means things will be different.
This is a sequel to The Ghost of Frigate Point Lighthouse but can be read on its own!
Series
- Part 2 of Snowflowers
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Before I get into the matter at hand, I must apologise for contacting you out of the blue like this. You do not know me, and all rules of etiquette state that correspondence such as this should be saved only for those one knows personally, but I feel this is a worthy exception to the rule.
Stede finds love letters between his wife, Mary, and her lover, Doug, hidden at the back of their wardrobe. Curious, he reads the ones he finds, and uncovers the details of her affair. In many of the letters, Doug has mentioned a man named Ed, whom Stede assumes is Doug’s partner. Eager to do the right thing and protect Ed from his own inevitable heartbreak, Stede writes a letter of his own.
- Language:
- English
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- Comments:
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- Kudos:
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Bookmarked by SillyAlli
17 Nov 2023
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“You’re insane,” Jim said.
“See, people think that about me sometimes but actually? I’m a tactical genius.”
*
My very stupid take on a fix-it fic. Featuring the power of ballads, Frenchie's incredibly healthy sense of self worth and male bonding. Warnings for swearing and general stupidity. Unbetaed.
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In exchange for Stede’s freedom, Ed offers himself up to the British and is sentenced to 5 years in prison. Thanks to a very intrepid mail delivery seagull, they’re able to exchange a series of increasingly stupid, silly, smutty, and romantic letters during their time apart.
Series
- Part 1 of Time in a Bottle
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The cravat wasn’t the only article of clothing Ed had nabbed from Stede.
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Sailors call them watermarks. A gift from the sea, a name or symbol written on your chest, meant to guide you to your own true love.
But Stede Bonnet's mark doesn't look like anything at all. Not really. And it certainly doesn't look like 'Edward' or 'Teach' or 'Blackbeard' or a black beard and that's fine. Completely fine.
Ed's absolutely fine with it.
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"And Ed could do little more than let out an awed sigh as his eyes once again took in what must be hundreds of books. Not even all of the books Stede has ever read. Just the select few he liked the most. Entire lifetimes within each tome. Love and loss and adventure and knowledge. For some reason, all just hitting him then.
Ed had never been particularly interested in books. He mostly associated reading with his mother's stern lessons over her well-worn bible, re-reading the same passages over and over again until they were forever burned into his memory."
***
Ed becomes fascinated by the books that have informed the worldview of the even more fascinating Stede Bonnet.
Ed's mother taught him to read when he was a boy, but through a series of miscommunications, Stede ends up reading aloud to Ed nearly every night (with Ed willfully taking advantage of Stede's misunderstanding to spend more time with him).
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"So what brings you out here anyway?"
Ed's out of the blue question at least answers Stede's anxieties about radio etiquette. He pulls the walkie from his pack and stares at it, deciding how much of his life he actually wants to share with this complete stranger.
"What brings you out here?"
or: Stede takes a job as a remote forest fire lookout in the summer following his divorce, with a plan to find out who he is, and what he wants his life to be. With the help of the enigmatic lookout on the other side of the forest, he ends up getting more out of the experience than he could ever have hoped.
Series
- Part 1 of seven point three miles
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Stede's finally out, single, and ready to mingle. The only problem? He's got no idea what he's into. Better ask his good friend Ed to help him figure it out...
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It’s almost like a tale that Ed is composing in the midnight hours. He wonders how it will end. He wonders if anyone would entertain a story about a pirate and his gentleman.
For years, Edward Teach dreamed of a young blond man with shy smiles and a wild, ridiculous nature. They could never speak to each other, but in the long run it didn’t matter. They could touch, they could feel. Then the dreams stop, and Ed is left adrift.
Were they dreams if Ed can remember the soft skin of the other boy’s hand in his? Is it real if his only friend is someone he met in solitude?
Series
- Part 4 of Pez's pre-canon gentlebeard stories
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Ed is an engineer aboard the Revenge, an interplanetary research vessel on a multi-year mission to study Jupiter's moon Europa. An accident requires that Ed awaken from cryostasis over six months early, and finds his only companion to be Stede, the ship's onboard AI. They develop an unconventional friendship, but is it possible to have more?
This is classic mutual pining with a sci-fi twist, inspired by all of my favorite stories about the nature of personhood.
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“You–” Ed was struggling to parse what Stede was saying. “You’re playing your version of this song for me, right now? Like, in real time?”“Yes, Edward, that’s correct,” said Stede softly.
Ed’s brain momentarily seized up. He supposed it made sense that Stede was capable of learning a set of rules to do something like arrange and play a piece of music. There was something unnerving about this song, though. It felt, well–it felt organic . Reactive. Almost collaborative in a way. Ed was lost in the push and pull of it, until the last notes softly petered out.
“So, what did you think?” asked Stede. It sounded nervous again. Why the hell would someone program an anxiety response into a bot?
Series
- Part 1 of Starry Eyes and Counting Down to Zero
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Stede Bonnet and Ed Teach are falling in love. The only problem is Stede Bonnet and Ed Teach also happen to hate each other.
(It’ll make sense when you read it, promise.)
Modern AU where these two lunatics own rival pirate themed theme parks at the English seaside. Unbetaed.
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Ever since the ship's co-captains returned from their short lived service to the crown, life on board The Revenge has been great. Ships have been plundered, gold has been collected, but there's one thing that hasn't seemed right about the situation.
Whether it's multiple lovers, a mate, or a one night stands, Pirates are known to be amorous individuals. Unless you are a gentleman pirate, in which case you're quite fine on your own. And yet Captain Blackbeard, who is certainly no gentlemen, has had a seemingly non-existent love life ever since crossing paths with Stede.
Riddled with guilt, Stede decides to take matters into his own hands and remedy the situation. Edward's bachelor lifestyle is about to face it's toughest opponent yet: Stede the Matchmaker.
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It's 1932, and a rogue horde of emus is sweeping through Western Australia's wheatbelt. A military unit is called in to deal with the problem, led by Major Edward Teach, expert Lewis gunner.
Meanwhile unconventional farmer Stede Bonnet has his own (secret) mission: to save as many of the birds as he can.
They should find themselves on opposite sides of this war, but Ed's bored out of his skull and Stede's fucking fascinating. Turns out they've got more in common than not. Along with the eccentric crew of Stede's Revenge farm, they'll find a way to win--together.
This fic is now COMPLETE!
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Close Your Eyes (I'll Be Here in the Morning) by ofmdLins
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
13 May 2022
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"They tried to kiss me, Stede." He chuckled into the shell of Stede's ear and it sent another shiver down him.
"Oh?" Stede asked quietly, breathlessly.
Edward nodded and Stede could feel the movement of it against his neck, the soft brush of beard tickling him. "But I said, 'You're not the Gentleman Pirate!' and they sod right off."
Stede's heart and mind were both racing. "How interesting," was all he could manage in reply, and he felt Ed's arms tighten around him.
"Yeah, you are. Can't deny that."
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Or, Ed gets a bit too drunk at a bar and spills all his beans.
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Izzy is always the first one to arrive at the pub, signing off on shipments and taking stock, and if Edward shows up it will be just before last call, when Izzy is dead on his feet and can’t say no to a single thing. Truthfully, though, he rarely can.
Every day starts and ends exactly the same way, until a particularly chatty history professor begins sharing his morning commute.
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Hypothetical Season 2, as required under Muppet Law. Starts where Season 1 ends.
Content notes: all the swearing, criminal assault, drug use, mugging (the crime kind not the face kind), death, fake death, grave desecration, Catholicism (half-assed), mention of flogging, mention of sex work, mention of cannibalism, suicidal ideation, murderous ideation, ableist language, attempted murder, bad gun safety, bad edged weapon safety, bad hallucinogen safety, canon acts of violence recalled, arson, canon maiming, animal deaths but they're a fish and a storytime rabbit and if you know the book you know the rabbit totally has it coming. Hit me up if you feel other tags should be here.
I was going to do footnotes but they're TERRIFYING, so you get in-text bracketed notes instead unless someone volunteers.
Song links, alternate choices, and annoying extra info at the end.
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my heart could break for a one-legged seagull (that’s bad luck) by thingswithteeth
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
07 May 2022
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Frenchie was born for this kind of espionage.
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The Royal Health Inspection Crew of the English Royal Navy suspends Stede’s commercial fishing food vendor license and Blackbeard receives an invitation to the Tri-decadal Gathering of the Court of the Pirate Brethren. This is where the spider monkey comes in.
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It's been a few months since The Incident and everyone is doing just fine.