cabloom
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[Podfic] snipers solve 99% of all problems by cabloom, quietnight
Fandoms: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
17 Sep 2025
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Ed had thought, after the whole Promised Day, homunculus, entire country harvested for alchemical batteries thing, the batshit quotient of his life would have settled down some. He really ought to have topped out the meter with that one. But no. The bullshit is just getting started.
“Are you fucking kidding me,” Ed demands. “The wizards?”
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He takes a deep breath and sighs it all out again. It's easier to do this without having to see her face. “It's my birthday,” he confesses.
To her credit, she doesn't immediately respond with some inanity about it being a happy occasion. It's never been particularly happy for Sanji. Not before he met Zeff and the two of them sort of inadvertently adopted each other, and not after, when it was nothing but a reminder of a painful past he'd rather have forgotten.
“Birthdays can be difficult,” she says, instead.
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“Never done this before, have you? Nice girl like you, course you been saving it.”
“Oh fucking shit.”
Sanji tuts. “Nice girls don’t talk like that, Zoro.”
The ship is becalmed and everyone is asleep except our boys. A story in which Zoro is demanding, hands are sexy, and Sanji might be catching feelings despite himself.
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Zoro can’t believe he's here, getting wasted with the greatest swordsman the world has ever known. So far.
They're several bottles in, and Zoro has taken up residence on the barstool next to him, matching him glass for glass, feeling the watery frills of that red shirt brush against his bare forearm every time he moves. The room has started gently spinning, the booze is strong, but the other man is watching him with something like grudging respect every time he finishes another glass of the stuff, so it's worth it.
This is great. He's going to get such a good grade in Dracule Mihawk.
So why can't he stop thinking about the damn cook?
Our intrepid crew finally reach Loguetown, where adventure - and danger - awaits them.
A fic in which Zoro is moping, Sanji is trying not to fall so hard he hurts himself, and Dracule Mihawk is the world's least willing relationship counsellor.
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“I’m not a pushover,” Zoro says, because this is important. He needs Sanji to know this. “I don’t let anyone tell me what to do, normally.” Before - before Luffy. And Zoro hadn’t realised that he was waiting for this, for someone to come along who was worthy of being his captain and commanding his loyalty. He didn’t realise how it would settle him, right to his core, like the weight of a perfectly balanced sword in his hand.
“Believe me,” Sanji says, “I know.”
“I’m not weak.”
He laughs. “No fucking shit. Some day I swear you’re going to cut the goddamn ocean in half.”
Zoro huffs a little laugh of his own and settles further into Sanji’s grip, a tension he didn’t realise he was carrying dissipating from his shoulders.
“I like it,” he admits, quietly. “I like that it hurts.”
Sanji’s eyes are softer than Zoro’s ever seen them. “I know that, too,” he says.
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Recent series
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Violetsmith: Oblivious Kinky Disaster Gays by cabloom
Fandom: One Piece (Live Action TV 2023)
26 Aug 2025
- Words:
- 218
- Works:
- 6
- Bookmarks:
- 1
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Just your average PWP sex pollen ZoSan oneshot where nothing much else happens. Don't look at the word count don't worry about it
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“Zoro,” Sanji called out, his voice dry and croaking. Zoro had been standing some ways off on the beach with arms folded, and had started half-jogging once Usopp started yelling, likely assuming it to be his usual exaggeration, but after hearing Sanji’s voice he was bounding across the beach, kicking sand behind him in great bursts. ... Sanji’s head lolled on his shoulders enough to catch the closest expression Zoro had ever made to fear. Ooh, he must really look like a wreck. This was the right choice.
Usopp and Brook were speaking over each other in hysterics and Zoro was reaching out to help shoulder some of Sanji’s dead weight - Sanji took a deep, shaky breath and summoned the last of his strength to drag his arm from around Brook’s shoulder and throw it around Zoro’s instead, collapsing against his chest. All four men fell silent.
“Zoro- please-” Sanji rasped, and he saw Zoro’s good eye widen, his lips barely parted- “I need you, Zoro.”
And he gripped both sides of his head to drag him into the sloppiest kiss of his life before promptly blacking out.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 27,980
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 100
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- 1,528
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- 362
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Bookmarked by cabloom
15 Oct 2025
Bookmarker's Notes
turbo-jacked by his worst frienemy
Adequate stick
Shame cocoon -
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“Hm?” Zoro paused, casting his good eye over his shoulder. Sanji was frowning, rubbing the back of his neck underneath the small low ponytail his hair was gathered into, taking a wide look around the docks. He glanced back, catching Zoro’s eye, and flushed, snapping upright.
“Well the sun’s setting soon, isn’t it? I’ve only got a few hours left to find a gift before we sail back to the ship-” He was already stamping off towards a cobblestone staircase leading back to the shopping district, swearing - “I hate you so much!”
Zoro laughed, earrings glinting in the orange sunlight, watching Sanji scurry with that book tucked in his arms like a newborn.
“Love you too, cook!”---
Now in their early thirties, Zoro and Sanji are about to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary, and against all odds, the gift Zoro got Sanji was perfect. Perhaps... a little too perfect. Maybe he's imagining things, but it feels to Zoro like his husband has been treating him more distantly than usual, and enough is enough - he's determined to figure out the root of the problem, because he misses him too damn much not to.
Bookmarked by cabloom
15 Oct 2025
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Somewhere between finishing the bottles of alcohol and mugs of beer, the crew comes together to create a contingency plan for something that may-or-may-not-happen during their time on the Grand Line and beyond. Usopp thinks it's more likely than bumping into zombies, Zoro wants to stay out of this, Sanji is just going with the flow, and Nami may or may not keep things legally binding and above board with consistent consensual acquiescence. Robin finds it all amusing.
The damn chart stays in the locked drawer in her desk, split into three neat categories: Devil Fruit Powers, Science, and Magic. Each represents whatever they're hit with but also categorizes the amount of self-control the person has during.
AKA: 5 times Zoro and Sanji had to help each other as Consensual Helpers of Dubious Consent + 1 Time There Was Nothing Dubious At All
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 152,066
- Chapters:
- 7/7
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 241
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- 1,786
- Bookmarks:
- 484
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- 63,037
Bookmarked by cabloom
14 Oct 2025
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Nami sways gently. She appears to be working herself up to say something and Sanji braces himself. He prays she isn’t going to vomit.
Finally, her mouth opens. “Does Zoro wear his bandana when you two are fucking?”
Sanji and Nami get drunk and gossip about their sex lives + have an oddly deep emotional moment + fall victim to the usual Straw Hat madness.
Bookmarked by cabloom
04 Oct 2025
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Summary
Law finds Zoro walking out of the market carrying an ugly statue of a fox in one hand.
(It was never about the statue. Not really.)