Chapter Text
Death would be better a solution to his situation than living, Astre thinks. Nausea throbs in his throat and his abdomen as he lies in bed, staring at his hands.
Is now the time to give up? Is it time to end things once and for all? Wouldn't it just be better to not live than to live like this. Astre's blue eyes are dark as he lies there with no movement. Feelings of peace are dangling right in front of him, just a tiny reach of a hand is enough, just a small, tiny action is required for ultimate rest.
Astre has waited long enough for his servants to save him. It is time to save himself.
He looks at the dining knife he stole at today's dinner.
He just hopes Sebastian will get to him faster than Undertaker.
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Astre wakes up. Well, he doesn't really wake up. The world is hazy shapes and smells, and he's confused, and angry, and he just wants to go back to rest. Sounds, noises, words he cannot understand, and they frustrate him to the point of madness. There is sharp pain at his throat, and it hurts so much.
His teeth burrow into something fleshy ,and more noises ensue that and it all makes him so wild and angry and hopeless. He bites harder into the flesh, feeling blood flow into his mouth, and then he's wrenched away by something. He growls, afraid and confused and snaps at the thing behind him, eyes nearly blind from the brightness.
"Do not hurt him! I will kill you!" He hears more clearly now, a voice so familiar it makes him recoil in disgust. He wants away, he wants to just go to sleep, and if not, find something to fill up the trobbing emptiness within him. His eyes roll up, and he goes back to rest
Ciel's eyes are brimming with red-tinted tears as Polaris lets go of Astre. He bursts into them as his small twin collapses into a heap of limbs on the ground, the wound on his neck, though stitched carefully, still red in the middle. Sobs wrack and shake him as he once again, loses himself to despair and madness, feelings of unworthiness and depression choking him. He's not worthy to be an older brother! He failed in his only duty which was to keep his twin safe!! Anguish breaks his heart into pieces and then breaks those into pieces again.
He screams as his attack worsens, dropping on his knees as he feels like he will throw up all over again. Polaris helps him back up onto his shaky knees. He looks at Astre's Bizarre Doll body, now set back onto his bed as they wait for Undertaker.
"I'll bring you back, i promise."
_
The next time Astre wakes up, he isn't as afraid or confused or really hungry anymore. That hole in him has filled up a little, though the memories within are full of pain, they are still alive. Astre can't move, can't breathe, and there is a tube of liquid with IV's going into various parts of his body, pumping clear liquid inside his veins. His head throbs with pain as the door to his dark domain opens, and someone walks in. He wants to flinch away as he vaguely recognizes the figures coming in, but he cannot, lying there like a dead octopus. His eyes are open as he stares into their direction as Ciel and Undertaker approach.
Seeing Ciel's face causes his head to throb in pain as memories start to uncover themselves, pain and fear, uncertainty, disgust, fearful, pained remnants of love, hate and anger, all burst into being inside his head as Ciel cups his cheeks and looks him in the eye, smiling gently.
Ciel sees his eyes glisten, and is reminded of that day when he went to watch Astre playing in Weston. The love that filled his veins had made him so much more alive, then, able to move and breathe and live. He gently presses their lips together as tears fill his eyes, sliding down and touching Astre's face as he strokes hsi unded brother's hair. Undertaker spent a ton of time healing the bite Astre gave him, but he loved him all the same. After all, he had been once like this. But Astre wouldn't be alone, wouldn't have to be afraid or confused or sad because his strong older brother was there to share his experiences and comfort him. Indeed, Ciel is much stronger than Astre now.
Ciel intertwines their fingers, and presses their foreheads together pracefully. "I love you." Are the only things that come out of his mouth, or either of their mouths.
He recalls the plan. Astre wouldn't be exposed to anything that would make him remember anything but Ciel, and thusly, would keep him from turning rebellious once he could walk and talk again. "I know it's hard for you, star. But you just need to keep on going. It will get better, and i will be here for you all throughout." He presses their stitched foreheads together even tighter, tears sliding down his cheeks as he laughs.
"I told you, didn't i? I'll never leave your side again."
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Astre could feel more and more energy coming to him, feeling returning to his fingertips and toes. Undertaker was much more experienced by now with making perfect Dolls, so the process took much less time.
There was one thing Astre struggled with, however. His hate for Ciel was changing. He remembers everything he did to him,and how much he hated him, how much Ciel disgusted him, but it it all felt so far away when Ciel brushed his hair with his fingers when they cuddled or when he kissed him goodnight on the forehead or when he held his hand as he started having dreams, no, nightmares again and woke up in tears.
He felt like bits and pieces of his original perception of Ciel were gone, emptiness where there should have been proof of how bad and evil he truly was. It bothered him, as a logical person, if there was no proof that Ciel was bad, then was he really?
It became more and more uncertain with each day spent together, each night spent cuddling and hugging, kisses and goodnight wishes that crumbled his resolve millimeter by millimeter, leaving him confused and angry at himself.
One day changed it all, when he was brought down for dinner, but was greeted with chicolate cake instead. It was dark and sweet-smelling and it looked delicious,with whipped cream and strawberries on top.
Ciel came from behind him, hugging his shoulders. "Happy fifteenth birthdays, brother! Since you can now eat food, we decided to make something! I also got something for you."he finished with a smile, pulling out a stuffed toy. It was a blue rabbit with a rather bitter expression, and Astre felt water come from his eyes as Ciel set it in his lap, memories of a childhood dream and drawings on paper, made with colored pencil, of this exact design.
"I know how much you liked this idea, so i decided to make it for you! I'm sorry i made your deeam come true instead of you fulfilling it yourself, Astre." Ciel lamented, taking his hands and giving him a shy smile. "I hope you like it, brother."
Ever since that day, thinking about Ciel made him warm. It gave him butterflies in his stomach, it made his heart beat faster than usual, made him use up his blood supply quicker. All those other emotions about Ciel felt so insignificant whe he thought of their birthday and how Ciel, who never supported him, remembered his dream and fulfilled it.
All of a sudden, everything Ciel did with him didn't feel all that bad. Kissing made him feel nice, and warm, and it felt intimate and lovely. Cuddling was wonderful and he loved it, every touch from Ciel made him get warm, every smile made him smile too and all the words that came out of his brother's mouth were heaven turned into a voice.
Any other person simply faded away into the background, and the feeling was utterly requited, the twins getting lost into each other for hours on end and with no one to stop them, they could even sink into each other for days. Astre wondered if this was love.
It certainly was. It could be nothing but love, could it?
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When Astre really, truly woke up, the first thing he did was kiss his brother.
He woke up on his bed, with Ciel and Undertaker over him, Ciel with tears in his eyes and a wide, almost unhinged smile on his pretty face. It was only so much that a boy could do to resist the sight of a person he loves, and thusly, he lunged up and kissed Ciel. Ciel made an absolutely delighted moan and responded eagerly, holding his little brother's cheeks with care, as he sobbed "finally! Finally!!" Against his mouth, their bodies twisting into a heap of limbs as the two twins reunited. Undertaker stayed back, and watched the exchange fondly.
They could finally, finally be together forever, Ciel thinks in a heated madness as he and his dear Astre snuggle into each other, their body warmth lost but the comfort not. Now all he has to do is keep his little one happy and safe, keep him forever. They would live forever now, just as he always planned! Now they could share meals, play chess, and house and dress-up. They could marry, and travel to places, and cuddle to their hearts' content! They could kiss and hug, and hold hands, and watch everyone who opposed their love die in pain and fire! He could come home from Watchdog duties and find his brother staring at him with adoration, ready to make most of a day spent heartbreakingly separated! They will read stories, and he can take care of his brother when he gets sick, or comfort him while being taken care of by Undertaker in case they are both sick! They can learn cooking together, take lessons together, write together, stay together, live together, sync their hearts together.
They can finally be side by side forever
"I love you! I love you! I love you!" He giggled as he squeezed his baby twin in his arms, shaking with joy and kissing his face all over. "I love you!" He yells as he looks at how Astre smiles and laughs, his heart swelling in his chest like it would burst into a thousand pieces. And then, the words. The words he'd always wanted to hear, the ones he longed for, the ones he had craved for so long, finally quenching the hunger and thirst within him for good.
"I love you too, Ciel!"