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  1. Public Bookmark 56

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    Shane’s insecurities resurface during a game against his former team. Afterward, he drinks too much and has a panic attack. He is comforted and cared for by Hayden and Ilya.
     

    ““I can’t breathe.” He whispered.

    They weren’t listening.

    Someone grabbed his shoulder. The spoke to him quietly. The voice was familiar. It offered apologies to the fans as he pushed Shane the rest of the way down the hallway and out the back door.

    Once they were safely outside Shane turned to face the voice. It was Hayden.

    “Hey, you okay?” He asked his best friend.

    “Something’s wrong.” Shane admitted. He was terrified.“

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,987
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    12
    Kudos:
    302
    Bookmarks:
    56
    Hits:
    5,440

    10 Apr 2026

  2. Public Bookmark 19

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    Summary

    Ilya Rozanov is doing everything right.
    He’s doing better.
    At least, that’s what everyone says.
    Is this what getting better feels like?
    He doesn’t feel as much anymore.
    Not the bad. Not the good.
    Shane realizes he’s watching the man he loves slip away right in front of him,
    with a practiced smile on his face,
    and he’s terrified he won’t reach him in time.
    Or: Ilya gets everything he thought he needed to be okay, and loses himself somewhere along the way, while Shane is forced to watch.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    17,588
    Chapters:
    7/?
    Comments:
    3
    Kudos:
    68
    Bookmarks:
    19
    Hits:
    1,316

    10 Apr 2026

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  3. Public Bookmark 92

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    Summary

    His head swims; the edges of the room blur.
    He did it. He actually fucking did it. He’s dying here on this floor and Shane is going to–
    Think.
    There’s no one else he knows in Montreal, other than–
    No. Absolutely not. Pike hates him. Okay, tolerates him, for Shane’s sake. Barely.
    Which– maybe makes him perfect.

    OR

    It’s been thirteen days since Ilya started antidepressants, and if anything, he feels worse. He just has to make it to two weeks; the doctor said it could take two weeks. If he can just get to sleep, tomorrow will be better. But nothing can make him sleep, and he fucks up. All he can do now is make sure it’s not Shane who finds him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,490
    Chapters:
    1/2
    Comments:
    21
    Kudos:
    304
    Bookmarks:
    92
    Hits:
    3,561

    10 Apr 2026

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  4. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    "Sveta," he says, before she can greet him. "I think I'm about to do something very stupid."

    "You're always doing something stupid," she laughs, her voice tinny over the speakerphone. "What is it this time?"

    "I am in a staring contest with a bottle of pills," Ilya says. "And I think the pills might win."

    -

    Or: An alternate take on Ilya's mental health after moving to Ottawa, featuring the reality of long distance relationships, Ilya learning to captain a new team, and a series of game tapes made by Ilya's dead father.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    14,171
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    307
    Kudos:
    6,422
    Bookmarks:
    1,709
    Hits:
    49,097

    10 Apr 2026

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  5. Public Bookmark 62

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    Summary

    Ilya spirals after him and Shane are outed.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,801
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    7
    Kudos:
    573
    Bookmarks:
    62
    Hits:
    5,645

    10 Apr 2026

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  6. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    As soon as Ilya realizes that he has to kill himself, his brain immediately latches onto one indisputable fact: someone is going to have to find his body. There is no way around that, but not even the premature guilt for whoever has the unpleasant task is enough to talk him out of it, anymore.

    If he hadn’t ghosted Galina, she’d probably tell him that he cares so much about it because of his own experience finding his mother. She’d also probably tell him that the fact that losing Shane Hollander is enough to make him kill himself means that he’s got a long, nonoptional date with a padded room clogging up his calendar for the foreseeable future. She already has a lot of fucking opinions about Shane and their fucked up situation, and Ilya really is fucking sick of hearing about it because he will not let her ruin the one good fucking thing he has.

    Had.

    (or: there is no plane crash. there is still a catastrophe.)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,819
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    67
    Kudos:
    1,243
    Bookmarks:
    215
    Hits:
    9,647

    10 Apr 2026

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  7. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    "If things only stay exactly like this, nothing will go wrong.

    Nobody will get hurt."

    Or: Ilya Rozanov has already lost a loved one to suicide. He can’t let it happen again.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    14,748
    Chapters:
    6/6
    Comments:
    87
    Kudos:
    819
    Bookmarks:
    177
    Hits:
    15,492

    10 Apr 2026

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  8. Public Bookmark 56

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    Summary

    3 months after the cabin Shane gets the worst news off his life
    He had almost lost Ilya.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,140
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    9
    Kudos:
    246
    Bookmarks:
    56
    Hits:
    10,027

    10 Apr 2026

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  9. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    Ilya feels like a zombie; he’s an approximation of something living.

    He knows what this is, of course. He isn’t stupid. He was just a child when he watched the life bleed out of his mama, long before she stopped breathing. He watched her sweet smiles grow hollow, and her kind eyes fall blank. He felt her slipping through his fingertips like grains of sand in an hourglass; her time was up before Ilya had truly even realised that it was running out.

    When he looks in the mirror, he sees her staring back at him: blond hair, and blue eyes, and an emptiness that kills.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,642
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    130
    Kudos:
    1,944
    Bookmarks:
    338
    Hits:
    13,311

    10 Apr 2026

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  10. Public Bookmark 66

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    Summary

    "Ilya, love, did you..." he begins, then takes a deep breath. "Did you try to hurt yourself?"

    Ilya doesn't answer and avoids Shane's gaze.

     

    OR: Shane fell in love a man, suffering from depression, probably since his mom's death. Sometimes things are better, sometimes the days are sad and difficult. But Shane didn't think that any of the events in Ilya's life would lead him to a radical, heartbreaking decision.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,614
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    10
    Kudos:
    673
    Bookmarks:
    66
    Hits:
    10,496

    10 Apr 2026

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  11. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    “I’m fine,” Ilya insisted weakly, though his voice lacked conviction.

    “You are bleeding all over our bathroom floor,” Shane said, his throat tight with fear. “You are not fine.”

    Ilya tried to laugh.

    The sound came out thin and uneven.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,929
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    1,012
    Bookmarks:
    132
    Hits:
    10,630

    10 Apr 2026

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  12. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    In the soft edges of the offseason after the cottage, where midnight airport pick-ups, private rink practices, takeout food, and the warmth of a borrowed T‑shirt live, Shane and Ilya build something tender and secret, something that feels safe.

    But beneath the surface, something in Shane is shifting. A slow unraveling he refuses to name. Fatigue that lingers, bruises that bloom too easily, a body that won’t obey the discipline he’s built his life on no matter how much he tries to control it.

    When everything finally breaks, their world tilts. Love that suddenly has to hold more weight than either of them ever wanted to imagine.

    Or

    Shane's battle with cancer.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    80,886
    Chapters:
    15/?
    Comments:
    82
    Kudos:
    713
    Bookmarks:
    256
    Hits:
    26,445

    10 Apr 2026

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  13. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    Shane’s heart drops into his stomach. “Ilya,” he breathes. His vision goes blurry, throat tight. He tries to swallow it down and focus, shove his swirling thoughts into a neat little box, but it’s impossible. He feels—he might throw up, actually. “Are you seriously telling me you tried to fucking kill yourself?”

    “Yes,” Ilya agrees blandly, “It did not work.”

    Ilya calls Shane from the hospital. Shane handles it very normally.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,118
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    631
    Kudos:
    20,149
    Bookmarks:
    3,885
    Hits:
    120,511

    10 Apr 2026

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  14. Public Bookmark 75

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    Summary

    “That he doesn’t need to be coddled and watched 24/7 just because he tried to take his own life.

    He has to show that he isn’t fucking crazy.”

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,774
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    19
    Kudos:
    603
    Bookmarks:
    75
    Hits:
    8,179

    10 Apr 2026

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  15. Public Bookmark 70

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    Summary

    "He was alone.

    It had been a bad week. A really bad week. Maybe it had been bad for a really long time.

    He didn’t know.

    All he knew was that he was finally alone."

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,474
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    624
    Bookmarks:
    70
    Hits:
    8,762

    10 Apr 2026

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  16. Public Bookmark 13

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    Summary

    If only Shane had stayed by Ilya’s side this would’ve never happened.

    He didn’t. That mistake would haunt him for the rest of his life.

    Ilya believes that he could’ve been more and he will never stop believing that.

    That is his fatal flaw.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,234
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    5
    Kudos:
    191
    Bookmarks:
    13
    Hits:
    2,993

    10 Apr 2026

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  17. Public Bookmark *

    Tags
    Summary

    It starts, as many things do, slowly. He quietly stops seeing Galina. He lies about taking his medication. The medication hasn’t been helping anyway. Then it’s Shane noticing he isn’t doing well, and begging Ilya to talk to him. There is nothing to say.

     

    Objectively, everything is fine. His life is amazing. He’s married to the love of his life, they play for the same hockey team, they don’t have to hide their love anymore. They have a dog and a place that is home. He has a family with Shane and his parents. He has friends with the centaurs and Svetlana. On paper, his life is amazing.

     

    The thought definitively doesn’t help the guilt he feels when he holds the handful of painkillers.

    Or: Ilya commits suicide. But when he dies, he finds himself as a ghost and is forced to watch Shane grapple with his death.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,561
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    159
    Kudos:
    3,016
    Bookmarks:
    564
    Hits:
    30,115

    10 Apr 2026

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  18. Public Bookmark *

    Tags
    Summary

    “What did you actually think?”

    He can’t help it. He looks at Ilya. Ilya only stares at him. “I say that now, in hindsight. Back then, I wasn’t thinking. Not really. It would come to me in waves, the anxiety, the fear. Most of the time,” he says. “I was just…”

    “Waiting for me to speak?” Ilya offers.

    Shane shakes his head, “I was trying to make it to tomorrow with you alive.”

    or,
    Ilya and Shane work to find themselves, and each other, again after Ilya's suicide attempt.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    33,429
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    293
    Kudos:
    2,231
    Bookmarks:
    442
    Hits:
    26,181

    10 Apr 2026

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  19. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    The words sliced through Ilya’s confusion. His own voice from over a week ago, echoed in the sudden, ringing silence of his mind: “You can have sex with other men when we’re apart.”

    No.

    No no no.

    Ilya blinked rapidly, fighting back the hot press of his own tears. The sheer, utter wrongness of it all was suffocating. Shane, on his knees, apologizing for being hurt. Shane, calling himself a burden. Shane, begging for the bare minimum of affection because he thought… he thought Ilya wanted this.

    (or, what happens when Shane does go and sleep with another man and utterly breaks because of it)

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,583
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    73
    Kudos:
    3,758
    Bookmarks:
    628
    Hits:
    55,626

    10 Apr 2026

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  20. Public Bookmark 70

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    Summary

    Shane gets food poisoning, and his already complicated relationship with food becomes even harder to manage, while Ilya stays by his side through it all.

    TW: vomiting, eating disorder themes

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    9,201
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    405
    Bookmarks:
    70
    Hits:
    9,586

    10 Apr 2026

    Bookmarker's Collections:

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