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  1. Public Bookmark 86

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    Following a near-fatal suicide attempt, Ilya Rozanov is admitted to Calder Ward. He speaks almost exclusively Russian, refuses interpreters, and answers most questions with shrugs or silence. Staff struggle to establish even the most basic details of his life. Why he attempted suicide, who he left a note for, and what he has lost remain mysteries.

    Across the ward, Shane Hollander is fighting a different battle. Intelligent, anxious, and trapped by an eating disorder, he attempts to maintain rigid control over food, exercise, and his body even as his health deteriorates. Despite increasing concern from staff, he struggles to recognise the severity of his illness.
    As clinicians search for answers, the story reveals that recovery is rarely driven by dramatic breakthroughs. Instead, it emerges through trust, routine, patience, and human connection.

    Told entirely through clinical documentation, ward notes, emails, assessments, and multidisciplinary discussions.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    26,763
    Chapters:
    4/?
    Comments:
    61
    Kudos:
    214
    Bookmarks:
    86
    Hits:
    3,619

    29 Jun 2026

  2. Public Bookmark *

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    Ilya's stepmother dies during Shane's second year in Ottawa. That's when the nightmares start. And in the nightmares, there's something heavy and tight sitting on his chest. Something cold, something he's felt before. In the nightmares, he's thirteen and shivering and willing himself to fall asleep, to teleport one day further away from everything. He’s thirteen and someone’s lips are wet and cold on the shell of his ear. He’s thirteen and he's completely frozen. Someone’s standing over him and he needs to move, needs to get away, needs to hit and kick and scream, but his pants are coming off and he can’t hit her, can’t kick her, and the scream is dead in his throat. His mother raised him to never hit a woman, and so in his nightmares he closes his eyes, grimaces at the light that seeps through anyways, and waits.
    ________________________________________________
    A death brings unwanted memories back. Ilya struggles to remember, then struggles to forget. Shane struggles to get through to Ilya before it's too late.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    19,740
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    84
    Kudos:
    1,033
    Bookmarks:
    208
    Hits:
    11,379

    28 Jun 2026

  3. Public Bookmark *

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    Galina makes it a point to remind Ilya that people aren’t mind readers, and unfortunately, if there’s something wrong, he has to actually communicate this. He's aware of this. He is. Even though it's always been so much easier said than done, even on a good day.

    But when the unthinkable happens, Shane ends up seriously injured, and Ilya can't bring himself to reckon with his role in it all, or how they'll move forward.

    Now it's all the more impossible to communicate the weight of his guilt, the feelings of inadequacy, and the all-consuming fear that Shane might not survive.

    Alternatively, life as everyone knows it falls apart when Shane takes a bullet that was meant for Ilya. 

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    76,267
    Chapters:
    17/?
    Comments:
    150
    Kudos:
    733
    Bookmarks:
    252
    Hits:
    26,377

    27 Jun 2026

  4. Public Bookmark *

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    And yeah, Shane knew that Ilya hadn’t been okay last time he was in Russia, but Ilya had had the very real excuse of a funeral to blame things on. Ilya had downplayed it as much as he could, and Shane hadn’t been there, he’d heard the fatigue and he’d seen Ilya’s tired smile, but he hadn’t felt the way Ilya’s hands were cold the entire time he was there, hadn’t seen through the screen the way Ilya dropped eight pounds in three weeks, hadn’t kept time when there were twenty hours in Ilya’s day instead of something closer to sixteen. Or, on the flip side, for the week or two after, when there had been approximately ten conscious hours in a day.

    It was one thing to see something. It was another to feel it in your hands.

    Ilya and Shane are so, so happy for their first year married. They’re playing in Ottawa together, they’re fucking winning, they’re together and out.

    So now, after a year, Ilya should be fine. He should be great. He should not be flinching at small noises or nearly punching people off the clock or feeling like he’s drowning whenever he’s not on the ice.

    Or: Ilya Rozanov, meet your PTSD.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    50,093
    Chapters:
    11/11
    Comments:
    492
    Kudos:
    1,005
    Bookmarks:
    423
    Hits:
    25,879

    23 Jun 2026

  5. Public Bookmark 41

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    “Shane is playing the best season of his career in Boston. I’ve stepped away from hockey to focus on my therapy. We have a mare, a goat, a home, and on paper- everything should be perfect, yes? So why am I not okay?”

    or: A direct continuation of the first part “That’s My Line.”
    non-linear healing progress that moves forward, slips backward, and often feels chaotic and examines the tension between the desire to get better and the fear of falling apart.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    36,454
    Chapters:
    11/16
    Comments:
    125
    Kudos:
    180
    Bookmarks:
    41
    Hits:
    5,417

    21 Jun 2026

  6. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    "Is this your first time with a man?"
    "Yeah. Yours?"
    "Oh—no."
    "Really?"
    "Really."
    "Who, another player?"
    He stopped. He hesitated.
    "no, my coach's son back in russia."

    Just as they begin to believe in something stable and lasting, a scandal erupts: a former Russian national team coach is exposed as a serial abuser, and images from Ilya’s past begin circulating in the media.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    107,765
    Chapters:
    32/32
    Comments:
    1,140
    Kudos:
    3,341
    Bookmarks:
    894
    Hits:
    109,707

    21 Jun 2026

  7. Public Bookmark *

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    "We're setting you up with a billet situation," Fletcher continued. "It's pretty common for first-year players, especially international guys. Gives you a chance to settle in, learn the city, have someone looking out for you."

    "Okay," Ilya said slowly, not entirely sure what a billet was, but not wanting to admit his ignorance.

     He could guess from the context – he’d heard of rookies being assigned to live with older single players, veterans who could show them the ropes. Maybe that was what Fletcher meant. Connors maybe, he was probably a handful of years older than Ilya. Or perhaps Becker. Ilya just hoped it was someone who–

    "You'll be staying with Nikolai Petrov and his family."

    The words hit Ilya like a punch to the gut. For a moment, he forgot how to breathe.

    "Petrov?" he managed, his voice coming out strangled.
    __________________________________________________________________

    The Bears decide that Ilya should be set up with a billet for his first season. The idea of spending a year living with a man that Ilya is sure hates him is completely terrifying. And yet, it ends up being the best thing to ever happen to him.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    103,460
    Chapters:
    12/?
    Comments:
    2,624
    Kudos:
    8,600
    Bookmarks:
    3,134
    Hits:
    241,143

    16 Jun 2026

  8. Public Bookmark 88

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    Summary

    Ilya gets the flu and his fever spikes high enough that he starts slipping into Russian, reliving memories of being punished for showing weakness as a kid. Shane doesn't understand the words, but he can hear the fear—and has to keep Ilya grounded while the fever works its way through his system.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,271
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    44
    Kudos:
    864
    Bookmarks:
    88
    Hits:
    12,343

    15 Jun 2026

  9. Public Bookmark 81

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    Summary

    It was supposed to be a simple hookup. Shane drives to Pittsburgh after a road game, texts Ilya, expects the usual. Instead Ilya opens the door looking like death and refuses to admit anything is wrong. Neither of them know how to handle this because this isn't what they do.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,133
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    29
    Kudos:
    791
    Bookmarks:
    81
    Hits:
    11,542

    14 Jun 2026

  10. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    When allegations against a youth coach begin circulating online, most of the league treats it like a joke.

    Ilya Rozanov laughs along with everyone else. Nothing bad happened to him, at least that’s what he's always believed.

     
    Or, a look into Ilya Rozanov’s childhood and how it shaped him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    87,996
    Chapters:
    14/15
    Comments:
    418
    Kudos:
    1,255
    Bookmarks:
    330
    Hits:
    32,912

    09 Jun 2026

  11. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    “You look terrible,” Shane says bluntly when he greets Ilya at the stairwell. “Are you hurting?”

    Ilya shrugs. He is hurting, actually. The adrenaline from the win wore off somewhere between his texts with Shane and the medic’s second consult. His face feels swollen and it hurts to speak when he says, “I am not wilting daisy, Hollander. I can handle getting hit at hockey game.”

    “Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”

    A strange pang hits Ilya’s chest then, unassuming and small. Ilya chooses to think nothing of it.

    ////

    Or Ilya Rozanov on pain, love, and family throughout the years.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,419
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    68
    Kudos:
    1,536
    Bookmarks:
    407
    Hits:
    13,759

    07 Jun 2026

  12. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    Shane Hollander loves a plan. Unfortunately, all of his are falling apart, and on the day before hockey camps are set to start.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,327
    Chapters:
    4/4
    Comments:
    104
    Kudos:
    2,021
    Bookmarks:
    312
    Hits:
    24,236

    30 May 2026

  13. Public Bookmark 89

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    Summary

    Ilya has a stomach bug... the day of a game against Montreal

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,954
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    33
    Kudos:
    765
    Bookmarks:
    89
    Hits:
    9,045

    23 May 2026

  14. Public Bookmark *

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    Summary

    “I don’t think I really have an eating disorder, if I’m honest. I haven’t really had the uhm, you know, the thoughts that people get?” The need to control everything. Nick’s never had that urge.

    “Then why are you here?”

    “Because my rugby coach said it might be good for me?”

    Dr. Walker hums, “But you don’t think you have an eating disorder?”

    “Not… really, no. My boyfriend has anorexia or– had it? He’s in recovery now but…”

    “That must have been difficult for you,” she says, breezing over the fact that Nick said boyfriend.

    “It was,” he admits, “But we made it out the other side in one piece and he’s doing a lot better now. I’ve seen up close what disordered eating behaviors look like and how the thought patterns manifest, I guess.”

    Her expression softens, “Anorexia can look different from person to person.”

    Nick doesn’t know what to say to that. He just knows his body weight is too high to get diagnosed with it.

    or

    Nick develops a severe ED his second year at uni and there isn't enough googling in the world that will fix him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    76,401
    Chapters:
    24/24
    Comments:
    147
    Kudos:
    494
    Bookmarks:
    101
    Hits:
    21,688

    08 Dec 2025

  15. Public Bookmark 30

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    Summary

    It hadn't occurred to him that he had never seen the visible reminder year nine had given Charlie.

    And maybe, that was why the voice of Charlie's mother full of sniffling accompanied by a shaky, "Nick? I need to speak with your mother" caught him so off guard.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,274
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    12
    Kudos:
    179
    Bookmarks:
    30
    Hits:
    2,990

    10 Aug 2025

  16. Public Bookmark 39

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    Summary

    Nick is clinging on for dear life.

    How I imagine that the whole of the Halloween party went in S3 E4.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,819
    Chapters:
    4/4
    Comments:
    27
    Kudos:
    232
    Bookmarks:
    39
    Hits:
    3,861

    10 Aug 2025

  17. Public Bookmark 6

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    Summary

    you meet people you love them and then you lose them and you never see them again. and it's inevitable and it happens to everyone and there's nothing you can do about it— someone has to leave first. it’s a very old story, and there is no other version of it.

    Heavy Artillery Holiday Echange 2020

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,385
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    5
    Kudos:
    73
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    779

    01 Feb 2025

  18. Public Bookmark 6

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    Summary

    He remembers everything, the way the flies buzzed in the hot air, fat and lazy from gorging themselves on the decay that festered in the streets, the way the heat made the packed earth shimmer, the way Nate had smiled ever so slightly at the morning’s brief, lips curling back over his teeth, and he knows what will come.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,400
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    61
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    673

    01 Feb 2025

  19. Public Bookmark 14

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    Summary

    During Bravo Two’s second tour of Iraq, the unthinkable happens. Brad is right there when it does.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,912
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    4
    Kudos:
    133
    Bookmarks:
    14
    Hits:
    3,703

    22 Jan 2025

  20. Public Bookmark 11

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    Summary

    Brad loves little in life, but he loves his job the most, and he is useless in everything else. The threat of losing that...what was a little misery compared to finding himself without purpose?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,795
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    3
    Kudos:
    145
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    2,230

    22 Jan 2025

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