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so i'll sleep out in the gutter, you can sleep here on the floor by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Protocol (Podcast)
20 Nov 2025
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Summary
‘I’m going to take myself to bed.’ Gwen frowned. She pressed her hands to one knee to manoeuvre herself to standing.
‘Miss you already.’ Alice said, not looking up.
About three steps from the firepit, Gwen turned and broke her pointed silence.
‘Don’t wake me up.’ She flicked her hand. ‘And don’t come back… wasted.’
‘Oh, flip, I forgot!’ Alice gasped. She tilted off her folding chair to fish for her neglected beer can, screwed into the marshy grass. She tipped it back for a test sip, then put her tongue on display, hemmed under her top teeth. ‘Warm.’
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For Day 4 of Dyhard Week: Holiday!
Series
- Part 5 of Dyhard Week 2025
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some backwards purpose, it's enough to make me nervous by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Protocol (Podcast)
15 Nov 2025
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Summary
‘Er. Actually.’ she said, regaining her grip on the money. ‘Could I get something else?’
This rewarded her with – well, it wasn’t the hate-filled stare she had expected, but – a slight curl of the lip from the worker as they silently returned to the register.
‘So scratch the mocha?’
‘No, keep it, just…’ Gwen frowned, examining the laminated menu on the counter in front of her. ‘Could I also get… a, uh, regular… large, actually, a large…’
Large what? What was safe?
‘Latte.’ she decided. ‘Double shot. No sugar, please.’ Were all of those things just how the coffee was made by default anyway? Was she rambling right now? ‘And to take away, too. Thank you.’
‘Name?’
‘It’s for Al- oh, you mean, uh. Gwen.’
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For Day 1 of Dyhard Week: Coffee
Series
- Part 1 of Dyhard Week 2025
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Gimme Sympathy (After All of This Is Gone) by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Protocol (Podcast)
02 Aug 2025
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Summary
‘You… you’re not eating?’ Sam says. He knows she just said that she eats ice cream, at least, but the idea of Alice taking no joy in flavour is so… sad. Alice, who made obnoxious amounts of cinnamon-sugar toast and over-balsamic-ed salad while they were living together. Alice, who swore by her feta and jam combo, dubbing it the poor woman’s panna cotta. Alice, who was rarely seen ordering the same coffee twice.
Alice, now, offers him only the same shrug, her mouth twisting up into an apologetic smile.
‘Sorry, really. That it’s vanilla. I hope it’s some comfort.’
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Alice brings Sam ice cream.
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Summary
Welcome back to another season of Hilltop Housemates! Join Sam, Celia, Gwen and Alice as they attempt to settle into their brand new life as housemates - here's hoping they all get along! And they better not get too spooked, either - or who knows what might happen...
Oh, and Annabelle's there too.
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Heinrich Unheimlich Comes to the O.I.A.R, or, Computer's Haunted by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Protocol (Podcast)
21 May 2025
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Summary
Heinrich pushed his sunglasses up his wooden nose with his wooden fingers. Alice wondered if he was upset, and then remembered it wasn’t her job to console this child-murdering monster.
At least, it seemed, that the novelty socks thing she’d made up seemed to be true. Heinrich seemed somewhat delighted by the colours and phrases on them, plucking them from the revolving stand and running them through his fingers until Alice forced him to stop.
She bought him a consolation pair which he attempted to immediately don despite her protests, and then, after some consideration, she bought an English-German dictionary for herself, which she flipped through while they waited at their gate.
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Now It's Raining in My Head and I Don't Know Why by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom
19 May 2025
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Summary
Link can’t think about what might happen if it doesn’t work. If they’ve desecrated one of Mipha’s last surviving possessions, one of Link’s last reminders of her. One less thing to lay next to him in bed in a wretched reconstruction of their life before their Calamity. One less thing to worry with his thumb when he gets nervous, when he starts to fear that he might be about to forget again. One less thing to succeed her.
But it will work. It has to. And then Link won’t need a tunic of dead scales. There’ll be the real, live – alive, alive, alive – thing, Mipha restored to warm flesh and cold blood.
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With the help of friends, Link makes a plan to revive Mipha. But if it even works... will she come back the same?
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Should Have Been Me by wizerdbattle for SuperSnail
Fandoms: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
19 May 2025
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Summary
‘I think that’s for vampires.’ Revali says.
Mipha looks up from where she’s worrying a twig to a sharp, stippled point with Zelda’s pocket knife. Her stroke falters and she places the knife down as Revali comes to join her in sitting.
‘Vampires?’
‘Stakes. Are for vampires.’
‘Right.’ Mipha laughs. ‘You scared me for a second, there.’
‘Ah. Maybe I shouldn’t joke about that stuff.’
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A conversation between Mipha and Revali, during the zombie apocalypse.
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Summary
‘Gwen?’ Alice says. Like she’s checking that Gwen’s still there.
Gwen remembers the coffee. She remembers the mug. She remembers that even though Alice probably hates her and hates being stuck with her, she found a way to get over it and help her.
That doesn’t mean they’re friends. But it probably means that Gwen should repay that debt, and there’s no better time than now.
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A post season 1 fic! Alice struggles with the fallout of Sam's disappearance, and Gwen struggles to step up as the new boss at the OIAR. Maybe they can struggle... together?
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Summary
‘If you mix six teaspoons of sugar and half a teaspoon of salt in that water and bring it to me, I’ll tell you a secret.’
Martin stares, neck twisting to seat his head almost directly on top of his shoulder like a disquieting owl. Jon hates when he does that.
‘I… sorry, did you want any… actual tea with that, or?’
‘Six teaspoons of sugar.’ Jon repeats. ‘Half a teaspoon of salt. Hot water. Can you remember that?’
‘Yeah, I can remember it, but I – just don’t understand why anyone would do that to themselves?’
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For Day 9 of Jonmartin Week: Free Day :)
Series
- Part 7 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Just take a breath, we'll be okay by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
06 Apr 2025
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Summary
‘Tell me what you want, Jon.’
‘I… fine. I want to know what you think about all this. Really. Honestly. Just get it over with.’
‘What I think about it?’
‘Honestly.’ Jon repeats. He presses a fingernail up and down Martin’s thumb, careful not to leave any crescents too deep.
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For Day 7 of Jonmartin Week: Ace Day :)
Series
- Part 6 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Oh, I think I've loved you before by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
05 Apr 2025
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Summary
‘Cut your losses, Jon. This is a lose-lose situation. I can hug you later. With breakfast. Isn’t that better?’
‘No, I can think of an even better idea.’
Jon, very uncomfortably, shifts one of the arms he has wrapped around Martin’s chest to clamp onto Martin’s shoulder, still holding him captive, but freeing up Jon’s other arm.
‘There.’
‘Great.’ Martin wheezes.
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For Jonmartin Week Day 6: Hugs & Cuddles.
Series
- Part 5 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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It's snowing! It's snowing! God, I hate this weather! by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
03 Apr 2025
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Summary
‘What do you want?’
‘Well, er, Tim and Sasha asked me to ask you to…’
A silence stretches outwards for a long time before Martin realises that he got too lost in trying to decipher Jon’s facial expression (again) and didn’t actually ask the question.
‘… to ask you if it’d be okay for us, uh, them, to go out in the snow?’
‘It’s snowing?’ Jon asks.
‘Uh, yeah, I think some of Tim and Sasha’s friends texted them about it or something.’
Jon’s eyes flick from Martin to the door like the bouncing DVD logo until he seems to make up his mind about something.
‘Bring them in here.’ he says.
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For Day 4 of Jonmartin Week: As Long as You Need
Series
- Part 4 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Jonathan Sims and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Twenty-Something Seconds by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
02 Apr 2025
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Summary
There’s no doubt about it, then.
Jon is stuck in a timeloop. The world’s most boring, frustrating timeloop, with the world’s most boring, frustrating man.
He wants to beat his head into the table. In fact, the only thing that stops him is Martin’s unrelenting presence. Why? Why? Of all the accursed moments in his life, why did it have to be this one? He would rather it be literally any other! Well, with some limitations, but…
He is absolutely positive that the average human person is not supposed to be exposed to so much Martin Blackwood for such a long time. Not that long, in actual seconds, but again, and again, and again, and again? Watching him say the exact same thing, with only the tiniest of variation, having his mannerisms and the tone of his voice practically driven into his skull? He will go bonkers, soon enough. He’s learning far too much about Martin than he ever wanted to.
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For Jonmartin Week Day 3: Timeloops!
Series
- Part 3 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Summary
‘Yes.’ Martin says plainly. ‘Elias says I can keep this job.’
‘But I… I really don’t think it’s in the Institute’s best interests to keep you in this… position.’
‘Jon. Elias and I have come to an agreement. If you want to take it up with him, you can. Who knows, maybe he’s been using me as a stand-in for you after all. But I’m not going to promote you into my job.’
‘But…’ Jon says. He wishes, a little, that Martin would just give his job back, instead of… this. To be honest, he desperately wished, more than a couple of times, that he would be sent back to researching, or even demoted to archival assistant, if only to get out of this mess. But now? It’s Head Archivist or nothing. And this isn’t Head Archivist, and it’s not nothing. So…
Jon doesn’t know what to do.
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Jon returns to the Institute to find that a few changes have been made in his absence. For day 2 of Jonmartin Week: Role Swap.
Series
- Part 2 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Summary
‘And I don’t want to look at your crap, by the way, so you can stop being so cagey.’ Jon mutters, kicking at something at the foot of Martin’s bed.
‘Sorry?’
‘Your drawings? I’m not looking. Do whatever you want.’ he shrugs. Then he drops to the floor and starts crawling along it like a deranged caterpillar.
Martin’s pretty sure Jon knows its poetry, but he wants to hear Jon’s views on poetry even less than he wants to hear Jon’s views on art.
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For day 1 of Jonmartin Week: Feelings realised
Series
- Part 1 of Jonmartin Week 2025
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Summary
‘You’re serious.’ Sam says. ‘Like, completely serious.’
‘Yep!’ Alice says. She holds her hand stiffly to the side of her face to show off a wedding band. It’s nestled in among a host of other rings, but it looks real enough. Alice’s mouth flattens out into an indifferent line, like she’s just raring to emit an infuriating welp!
‘No offense, but you don’t seem like the settling type.’ Sam notes.
‘Oh, I’ve settled all right. She wasn’t my first choice by a mile!’
Alice seems to consider this a boast. Sam doesn’t question it.
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Summary
Gwen’s not stupid. She’s heard a lot of horror stories from her family about what happens when you meet up with strangers from the internet. As well as a remarkable amount of cases where victims describe ink5oul’s charms with embarrassing frankness.
That’s easy, then. She just doesn’t succumb to their charms. Thinking back on her memory of them, they’re not all that winning anyway. Just grimy, with a flat, gritty voice. Nothing to wax poetic about.
So it’s entirely her own choice to go, after weighing the pros and cons. If she can manage to nab them as an external as well, then that’s just a bonus.
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Gwen has one more try at recruiting ink5oul.
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Find My Hand (Reaching Through the Sinking Sand) by wizerdbattle
Fandoms: Camp Here & There (Podcast)
25 Feb 2025
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Summary
‘Why are you slowing down?’ Jedidiah said. Sydney looked up at him from under where their sweaty hands were clasped in a juvenile promise of safety. His boots milled against the crumbling slate slope as he scrabbled for a hold.
‘I’m just being careful, Jeddie.’
‘I’ve got you. You’re fine.’
It was an empty promise, Sydney knew – Jedidiah didn’t know it, but he didn’t have the strength to save Sydney if he were to fall. Sydney nodded, and moved his remaining hand, shaking, to tuck his hair away from his face.
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Jedidiah and Sydney go for a picnic - or, a study of Sydney and pain.
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Summary
‘Look, man could you just – I hate to ask this, but just… The news was a bit of a shock to the system. Would you mind giving me some time alone with him?’ he asked.
He looked… Elijah would’ve liked to say pleading, but Jedidiah always looked like he was pleading, to life, to just let him get through the next day without someone squashing him like a bug, or hitting him with their car, or grabbing him by his head and feet and squeezing him like a dishrag, or throwing him so far that he became nothing more than a cartoonish speck in the sky. All very likely possibilities, Elijah would admit – he’d thought about doing one or two of them himself.
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Sydney is fast asleep, Jedidiah is distraught, and Elijah is inconvienced, at the most. But he allows Jedidiah some time to come to terms with it.
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Summary
He didn’t want to look. But he was drawn into it, the blurring of features reflected warping into a sweet face, a familiar face. But still too hazy.
And so he had to keep looking, so he could wait for the picture to clear, so that he could begin to discern who was looking back at him in horror. Its lip bled where it met too many rows of teeth. Its hair filtered down, too light on its hunched, shaking shoulders. Tears rolled down from eyes that… eyes… eyes.
Who was that?
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Elijah studies his reflection.