OFMD is a sitcom
Funny OFMD fics that lean into the tone of the show. Usually lighthearted, not necessarily angst-free.
(Open, Unmoderated)
Random works
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Summary
“Now, remember,” Stede informs them all, “the night is yours to do with as you wish. So long as you don’t get arrested, and you’re on the ship again by noon tomorrow,” and he points at them each in rapid turn, “then you can consider this your time off. Like a— a little weekend!”
The crew is silent, for a moment.
Then, Oluwande hesitantly raises his hand.
“Yes,” Stede calls on him, “Oluwande.”
“Like a vacation?” he asks.
“Ah— Yes, I suppose so,” Stede replies. “Yes, like a mini-vacation. Do whatever you’d like— within reason— and— Well.” He claps his hands together a second time, then spreads his arms, forever a showman. “Have fun, my friends!”
or: ed treats stede to a night out on the town in nassau, where they share drinks, tattoos, pleasure, secrets, and— much,
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Don't Call Me That, Don't Look at Me That Way by surprisepink
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
08 Nov 2022
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When circumstances made it necessary for Izzy to retrieve Stede Bonnet and bring him back to the Revenge, he'd expected the job to be an easy one: keep Bonnet in one piece, let him make up with Edward, and grit his teeth through their ridiculous little relationship. A chance meeting with an old flame threw a wrench in his plans, and Bonnet wound up in a duel for Izzy's hand that led to... a startling situation.
(Leave it to Bonnet to be greedy; to not be satisfied with just Edward. Leave it to him to choose Izzy Hands as the next target of seduction.)
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“No,” Stede interrupted Ed. “What happened after the duel? You said you almost died. Somebody was there to- take care of you?” His fingertips were still right there, light but steady on Ed’s rib. The tenderness in his voice was suddenly unbearable, and Ed moved away, tugging his shirt back down sharply to cover the ancient wound. For a short moment, a new silence grew between them. Then, just as Ed knew Stede was about to apologize for pushing too far, asking too much, he answered.
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Ed doesn't know how to receive kindness, and Stede doesn't know how to give anything but. This is set between episodes 7 and 8, in Ed & Stede's Co-Captaining era
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Stede can’t help crying out in pain, in the next beat, finally giving in when an instinctive sound comes up. It’s loud, and the crew goes dead silent around him.
Stede doesn’t even notice. He’s just trying to breathe, skin tugging painfully, when a door bangs open at the opposite end of the ship.
“What the fuck was that?” Ed demands from afar, voice heard easily over the crash of the sea around them. “Was that Stede? Where the fuck is he?”
“Oh, no,” Lucius says quietly.
“If you jump overboard, babe, I swear I’ll come back for you,” Black Pete promises him.
or: lucius accidentally gives stede a flesh wound, and ed loses his mind like they're not all pirates.
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Captain Stede Bonnet recruits his newly minted first mate Oluwande and his scribe Lucius to write a letter of reconciliation to Ed. They get tanked.
OR
Three pirates share one braincell, and they dilute it with a lot of wine.
OR
Drunk dialing your ex, eighteenth-century style.
Random bookmarks
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In Bed, Asleep, Where They Do Dream Things True by atreus_von_swinburne
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
27 Jul 2022
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Through various machinations and plot contrivances, the crews of the Revenge and The Queen Anne's Revenge, in varying combinations, all end up sleeping in Stede's comfy bed, in a sort of easy peasy puddin' n' pie version of hot racking it.
Title from Romeo & Juliet, Act 1, Scene IV
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“Gotta warn ya, mate,” Ed said in that same unusually-bright-given-the-circumstances tone from earlier, “rooms at these kinds of places are usually too small to fit two beds. We’ll probably have to share.” Ed punctuated the warning by whistling a few sing-songy notes as they arrived at their room and he fit the iron key into the lock.
“I see,” Stede said, feeling that thrill again. Likely from the authenticity of sleeping in close quarters, like a real pirate. Really thrilling stuff, that. “I suppose we could get a second room, if–”
“NO,” Ed interrupted loudly, startling them both. He cleared his throat and began again at a more location-appropriate volume. “No, the innkeeper said this was the only room left–” he turned the lock– “so we’ll have to make do with whatever’s here.”
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A subversion of the Only One Bed Trope, and a love letter to OFMD fanfic everywhere.Series
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Enemies, Two Lovers (And Enemies Again) by Jazzxdaffy
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
21 Aug 2022
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“...And it’s the fucking disrespect of it!” Stede ranted, pacing his room furiously. Edward leaned against the wall beside the locked door and watched him with rapidly decreasing patience, arms crossed, waiting for him to finish his tirade about Izzy Hands.
“Yeah, mate, he can be a handful sometimes. Anyway, speaking of handfuls, about your dick–”
***
A subversion of the "Enemies to Lovers" trope, as told in three acts.Series
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Ed realizes that wooden objects make Lucius happy and attempts to whittle him things. It doesn't go as planned.
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In exchange for Stede’s freedom, Ed offers himself up to the British and is sentenced to 5 years in prison. Thanks to a very intrepid mail delivery seagull, they’re able to exchange a series of increasingly stupid, silly, smutty, and romantic letters during their time apart.
Series
- Part 1 of Time in a Bottle