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A comprehensive tour through a typical service at Baldur's Gate United Church of Bhaal, complete with fully formatted bulletin and order of service! Watch in awe as The Dark Urge, Scion of Bhaal Most Unholy, gives a complete sermon justifying ritual human (dwarven) sacrifice without saying the word 'murder' once!
My ex-fundie trauma did something useful for once and let the Unholy Ghost of Murder Jesus take the wheel. Reviewed by my editor as "violently evangelical." Come for the crack, stay for the witty social commentary on modern organized religion.
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31 Flavors: An Academic Inquiry by spacesunderstairs
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games), Forgotten Realms (Roleplaying Game)
03 Nov 2025
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The party gathers for an evening meal; but what do you feed a growing githyanki boy? A discussion about the diets of children in Faerun, and warning about why one should never indulge the curiosity of wizards.
(OR: Gale talks about breast milk. Too much.)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 634
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 22
- Kudos:
- 26
- Bookmarks:
- 3
- Hits:
- 153
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
06 May 2026
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“The Dark–oh for heavens’ sake. I can’t keep this up. That simply cannot be your name.”
Or: the party helps The Dark Urge find their name.
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
30 Apr 2026
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Astarion should have died that night. In the story we know he did exactly that. Here, things went a little differently and he is very much alive.
However, healing magic has its limitations, and the Astarion who survived is markedly different from the one that fell to the Gur's clubs.
A month into recovery, he's still coming to terms with his loss of independence. Bedbound, partially mute, and being cared for by the same person who saved him in the first place: his mother. Apparently her adventuring days didn't fully end, even after decades of playing at being a proper Upper City wife.
Even worse, soon his beloved father decides caring for Astarion is a waste of time and resources, and tries to convince his mother to send him to... somewhere, anywhere, else.
It's amazing, what you start to notice when you're forced to stop and pay attention to people not named Astarion. So many aspects of his world and family, he now sees all too clearly. Out of the one eye that still works, anyway.
Updates every other Wednesday!
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What happens when you shove a washed-up smuggler in a car with someone half his age who thinks she's cleverer than everyone else?
Well, nothing good - but here we are.
2016. Politicians are screaming about sovereignty. Bankers are shitting themselves over market forecasts. The real players are eyeing something more practical - because the routes that carried everything from heroin to gold for decades? Suddenly questionable. Time to carve new ones before the borders slam shut.
Amsterdam to Dover. That's the plan, anyway. A road trip through Belgium's grey zones, France's forgotten corners, every dodgy café and cheaper-than-it-should-be hotel between here and the Channel.
The job's simple. The company's complicated.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 16,927
- Chapters:
- 5/?
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 77
- Kudos:
- 35
- Bookmarks:
- 11
- Hits:
- 326
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
14 Apr 2026
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What's worse than a hag who wants to kill you? A hag who finds you interesting.
Gale's orb has an appetite. Ethel has remedies. Neither of them expects the side effects.
OR
Five times Gale was played by Auntie Ethel, and one time he wasn't.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 11,777
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 37
- Kudos:
- 28
- Bookmarks:
- 12
- Hits:
- 194
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
12 Apr 2026
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Summary
It was the word that caught Gale’s journalistic curiosity first. Fallow.
In the strictest sense of things, it was a farming technique. Mostly lost to the ever-spinning cogs of their modern world, it was biblical in its simplicity. Farmer’s fields lay barren as autumn turned to spring and then summer, so that beneath them the earth would churn with new life. It was the soil’s breath between seasons.
He came to know it later slipped from a silver tongue, a bitten lip, a soft whisper. Let your lands rest and lie fallow, the so-called messiah would say with a hand upon his thigh.
Astarion was the story of a lifetime.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,871
- Chapters:
- 4/4
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 64
- Kudos:
- 81
- Bookmarks:
- 13
- Hits:
- 930
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
12 Apr 2026
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Forgive me, Father (for I will sin) by dramatic_chipmunk for ARAFEL_0194
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
10 Apr 2026
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"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," Daisy says, and means approximately none of it.
Astarion, in scratchy linen robes he is already regretting, is a consummate professional. He will hold this persona. He will not be derailed by a confessional box, a very small dark space, and Daisy saying extremely specific things in a very low voice.
He is, unfortunately, only two of those things.
Or: two degenerates roleplay in a temple of Illmater, desecrate a confessional, and then accidentally stay for the service. It gets worse from there. Somehow they have a lovely time.
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“It might’ve been a convenience if Gale died. One less thing to worry about that wasn’t himself, one less person who knew his deepest secrets and fears. And it would cement his two century-long streak of everyone he’d ever had sex with dying shortly afterwards, a statistic that whichever poor fool who wrote his posthumous biography could at least laugh at for a little while. But Gale hadn’t died; hadn’t taken the easy, heroic, self-sacrificial way out.”
Or, Astarion and Gale discuss their troubled relationship in the wake of Ketheric’s death.
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
10 Apr 2026
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What if a younger less murdery Durge bathes the handsome upstart Enver Gortash, and, dare I say, makes him a better man?
Before the betrayal at Avernus. Before the resurrection of Bhaal. A canon-bending story that attempts to rewrite fate.
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
10 Apr 2026
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Winter has fallen and Astarion's on the run. That isn't going to stop him from seeing Eldritch Blast in concert, his favourite band and the one vibrantly uncomplicated thing in his life. He doesn't know it yet, but life is about to get very complicated indeed.
Band AU of the hard rock persuasion, set in a modern Faerûn.
Written for the BG3 Winter Big Bang challenge, with art by Kata (@weiyi-swi) in chapter one.
Series
- Part 3 of Gates and Roses
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 10,051
- Chapters:
- 2/3
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 40
- Kudos:
- 43
- Bookmarks:
- 7
- Hits:
- 447
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
08 Apr 2026
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Durge made an agreement with Withers to revive Orin.
Jaheira and Gale promise to help her.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,265
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 31
- Kudos:
- 41
- Bookmarks:
- 10
- Hits:
- 281
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
07 Apr 2026
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Summary
Hope is the cruellest lie a devil can sell, but Astarion bought it anyway.
A hundred years in the Underdark have left him collecting bounties on feral spawn and drugging himself to sleep. Seven thousand mouths he swore to save, and most of them are dead or worse. When Raphael resurfaces with coin, a map, and the promise of a relic that could fix everything, Astarion follows him into the deepest dark he's ever known.
Something down there should have stayed buried. So should the kiss.Series
- Part 1 of And All Who Dwell Below
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They didn't send a Bhaalist, Gortash realized, blankly. They sent a Bhaalspawn.
There had been rumors, of course; there were always rumors. None from anyone he'd consider remotely trustworthy, though, given that few could have knowingly laid eyes on one and survived to gossip.
What other explanation could there be? This thing, this beast devouring its prey mere feet away from him—there was no semblance of rational thought in the way its eyes burned in hunger and feral delight. Gortash gripped his small knife harder, and wished he'd brought something with a little more punch to it. He couldn't just stand here all night, however, plastered against the wall, hoping he'd somehow escape the creature's notice. Surely it was an optimistic sign that he still drew breath?
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
28 Jan 2026
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Kressa Bonedaughter finds a tiefling corpse in the oubliette, and becomes obsessed with finding out how he works. Experimenting with pain has surprising results.
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Wherein the Dark Urge gets a spot of food poisoning.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 666
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 31
- Kudos:
- 45
- Bookmarks:
- 4
- Hits:
- 382
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
15 Jan 2026
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Summary
Tav is an Ilmateri monk with budding mastery of Ki, the spiritual energy that flows through all things. Astarion is a cornered animal, stuck oscillating between fight, flight, and fawn.
Against Tav's better judgment, he becomes obsessed with a bright note in Astarion's Ki, betraying his relentless will to live.
Halsin and Tav are kindred souls, both with pain that is sometimes too big to hold. Their relationship blooms where nothing else grows: Halsin's cursed homeland, for which Tav's understanding of Ki may prove the final piece of the puzzle Halsin needs to lift the curse. They become pillars of safety in Astarion's life as he learns to survive in a world not designed to make him suffer.
Astarion feels safest reclaiming his body if he has complete control over Tav's. Tav is more than willing to please. Halsin is eager to perform whatever role is needed of him.
Generally canon compliant/adjacent (edit: more adjacent). Lots of angst, hurt/comfort, sex, healing, and happy endings. Essentially that song you hear behind Astarion's tent on repeat in fanfic form.
Series
- Part 1 of The Crown of Madness
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 198,091
- Chapters:
- 42/?
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 556
- Kudos:
- 210
- Bookmarks:
- 64
- Hits:
- 7,071
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
11 Dec 2025
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Summary
#dadstarionweek25, prompt "Found"
A few years after the defeat of the Netherbrain, Halsin, Astarion, and Tav add to their family.
Series
- Part 4 of The Crown of Madness
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,733
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 7
- Kudos:
- 60
- Bookmarks:
- 3
- Hits:
- 1,084
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
08 Dec 2025
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Summary
He’s sick of tripping over his own fangs every time he so much as looks at their throat, sick of being the one who’s pining when they're the one with the crush, and most of all, he’s sick of being bound to a monster who has no ties to him in return.
Admittedly, they’re a fairly likeable monster. Lovable even, if you’re the type to care about such things. Which Astarion obviously isn’t.
Also admittedly, giving the cannibal murderer a taste for his flesh has the potential to cause far more problems than it solves.
Astarion decides its only fair that the Dark Urge get a little taste in exchange for the blood they've given him. For entirely altruistic reasons. Obviously.
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we can be like they are (baby take my hand) by JupiterMelichios
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
07 Aug 2024
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Summary
There’s really no good thing to say in circumstances such as these, but “Welcome back,” is at least relatively neutral.
“Hi,” they say, and then, “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?!” The words come out high pitched and over-loud, almost a screech, and Astarion forces his voice to be quieter lest they be overheard when he hisses, “I killed you!”
“I know. That was the plan.” They take in his expression. “Was that not the plan?”
Astarion is just trying to survive this madness. He's not looking for a friend, and he's definitely not looking for a sub. Unfortunately for him, the Party's pet amnesiac murderhobo has other ideas.
Series
- Part 1 of dare to dream a Better world
Bookmarked by Wild_Magic
02 Nov 2025
Bookmarker's Notes
I need to eat this fic. I need to inject it directly into my veins.