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They're on the run, post the Republic, but they're happy. They're together. They have their crew. There's nothing that Ed and Stede want, except…
In the sticky cooldown, Ed says, hesitantly, “Do we want to talk about the Izzy thing?”
“What?” Stede says, because his brain is thrumming pleasantly and it takes him a second to process Ed’s words.
Then, “No.” A quick denial, heart thudding. “What thi—“ Then stops. “No.”
“Stede.”
Stede and Ed want Izzy, but they want to do it properly. As he deserves. A 5+1 of Georgian courting rituals: Five Times Ed and Stede Court Izzy, and One Time He Courts Back.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 20,491
- Chapters:
- 7/7
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 112
- Kudos:
- 128
- Bookmarks:
- 20
- Hits:
- 1,260
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
12 Dec 2025
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case #0171210: siren's call by florence_after_midnight, Hyaha
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV), The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
31 Oct 2025
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Summary
Statement of Edward Teach, regarding some behavioural changes in his husband.
Izzy was looking out at the sea, and this time, it looked… painful. His neck was bent at this angle—not unnatural, that wasn’t it, but it looked like the sort of position that’d give you a stiff neck if you kept it up for too long. And he’s in his fifties, so… His hands, too, were still hovering above the keyboard. Like he was frozen mid-motion. Like someone took a photo of him and he just stayed that way.
Looking back, I’m not sure he was even breathing.Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
10 Nov 2025
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The thing was, right, that "could be" in a hypothetical sense was different than "could be" in real life. Hypothetically, sure: Izzy had one set of bits, Ed and Stede had another. Sometimes, hypothetically, you put those bits together and, given time to cook, the end result was a tiny little squalling human. But hypothetically was different than real life, because Ed and Iz had been fucking since they found out what fucking was. In all that time they’d never, not once, ended up with a baby.
I hate the "unplanned pregnancy heals the relationship" trope. This fic is about that.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
10 Nov 2025
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Owing a favor, Izzy Hands, formerly of the band Queen Anne’s Revenge, goes on a podcast.
Series
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
09 Nov 2025
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God, Ed was obsessed with that voice. Wanted to rub it all over himself, to drink it, to drown in it. To take it apart and see what it was made out of. He wondered if Izzy understood that when they sang together they were touching - voice to voice, from lungs to throat to air.
In the run-up to Calypso's party, things are tense on the Revenge. Stede is still learning how to be a captain, and a pirate. The crew don't trust him, and they certainly don't trust Ed Teach. The relationship between Izzy and Edward is strained by what they've been through, for all that Izzy and Stede are growing friendlier the more time they spend training. Ed's doing his best to make amends - to Izzy, to the ship, to everyone - and to sort his head out, but it's not easy. Meanwhile Stede and Ed are taking things slow, finding their way on shaky new ground.
While trying to work out how to fix all the things he's broken, Stede ends up asking about how Izzy and Ed met. Separately, the two of them tell him a story about pubs and pirates, about marriages and villains, shanties and sea battles, and of the Republic of Pirates itself. And for Stede, it changes everything.
With original songs by Doll_After_Dark!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 80,024
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 100
- Kudos:
- 152
- Bookmarks:
- 65
- Hits:
- 2,945
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
04 Sep 2025
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“I swore to protect Edward. Fucked that right up.”
“Could be you were protecting him from the wrong things. Try better next time.”
Izzy snorts. There won’t be a next time.
(Izzy Hands ends up in a time loop, grows as a person, and gets what he needs)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 53,719
- Chapters:
- 12/?
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 347
- Kudos:
- 769
- Bookmarks:
- 157
- Hits:
- 10,880
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
03 Sep 2025
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“I don’t have a husband,” Izzy says. “You've got the wrong patient.”
“No,” the nurse says, “It was the number listed as your emergency contact. He said he’ll be here in fifteen minutes. A Stede Bonnet?”
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
03 Sep 2025
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Since returning to piracy, Stede has found and intercepted The Revenge, putting a stop to the crew's downward spiral before loss of life or limb. Restoring peace hasn't been so simple.
Ed and Izzy are fighting and its everybody's problem. But mostly Stede's.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
02 Sep 2025
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Summary
A little rewrite of S01E03, "A Gentleman Pirate", for fun.
What would've happened if Stede had taken up Izzy's invitation to meet Blackbeard. Spoiler: Izzy has a much worse night.
This fic is now complete!
Mind the tags.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
01 Sep 2025
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Pokemon Anxiety and Depression by Word_Devourer
Fandoms: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
12 Nov 2022
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Summary
It's two weeks before rent is due, and I don't have a job. All I have to work with are 2000₽ and a trubbish that moved in because I never remember to take out my trash.
She is a cute trubbish, though.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 68,020
- Chapters:
- 42/42
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 842
- Kudos:
- 868
- Bookmarks:
- 299
- Hits:
- 15,841
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
13 Jun 2025
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3am at St Hubert’s Hospital for Nonhuman Beings by dinoromance89
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
16 Feb 2025
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Summary
“Yeah, thanks Doc. I know what a Succubus is. I’ll see what I can do to, uh… help.”
“Alright, then. Very good.” Doctor Bonnet’s face cracks into a relieved smile. Then Jack is left all alone at the front desk, his only company an unconscious guy who allegedly needs to be filled with human spunk to survive. Jack is already so done with this fucking night shift.Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
26 Feb 2025
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Summary
Ed buys a strange painting for Izzy as an apology gift for an anniversary gone wrong. Neither of them is prepared for how this painting in particular would change their lives forever.
or
Stede has been trapped in a painting for three hundred years and is surprised to reawaken in a room with two very oddly familiar faces. How is he meant to recover his memory? ...and what the actual fuck is a 'car?'
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
08 Feb 2025
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“Jack says there’s a whore in town who’ll let you put your whole fist in her cunt if you pay her extra.”
“The fuck’s the use in that?”
Edward’s eyes are bright, the way they always are when something’s really captured his imagination, “Don’t you think it sounds cool? Having your entire hand in there?”
“I always thought the point of paying for a whore was to stick your dick in there,” Izzy says.
“I guess,” Edward shrugs. Then, casually, he adds, “You think your cunt could fit a whole fist?”
“For fuck’s sake, Edward.”
Izzy’s known Edward for barely a year and a half, but he’s already pretty sure he’d follow the man off a cliff if he asked. So when Edward gets an idea in his head, what is there to do but go along with it?
Series
- Part 1 of Linger
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
08 Jan 2025
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Summary
Lucius was good at breakups. The ‘bitch session, eat ice cream, get a makeover’ technique had never failed him.
But so far, he was proving fucking awful at divorces.
...
After Ed and Izzy's divorce, Lucius takes Izzy on a trip to IKEA.
Written for Izzy Hands Bingo 2024 prompts of Lucius, hand-holding, shark, hurt/comfort
Series
- Part 2 of Izzy Hands Bingo 2024
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,475
- Chapters:
- 2/2
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 26
- Kudos:
- 73
- Bookmarks:
- 12
- Hits:
- 438
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
28 Aug 2024
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Summary
Stede Bonnet's ethical porn studio, Gentleman Productions, has a small problem. They have no one signed up to actually star in their films (except one very enthusiastic amateur). In a bid to get back in Spanish Jackie's good books, Stede is tasked with convincing someone called Izzy Hands to come out of retirement.
He has Izzy's former co-star Ed Teach helping him, how hard can it be to get one professional back into the studio?
(Tags to be added as updates happen.)
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
07 Jul 2024
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Summary
The Revenge is on shore leave, and Stede, Ed, and Izzy are having a day. Much to Izzy’s chagrin.
It turns out far better than Izzy feared.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
27 Jun 2024
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After coming across a perfect, horrendous gift for his captain, Izzy decides to do something nice for once in his life. Unfortunately, what he fails to account for is that nobody who resides within the captains' cabin of the Revenge has ever been capable of being normal about anything. Things escalate.
Then things escalate again.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
27 Jun 2024
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Summary
Izzy took another, larger gulp of wine, and let it set into his stomach before he ventured, “Am I…being seduced?”
“Would you like to be?”
“He’s…” Izzy searched for a satisfactory way to define the unit of Edward-and-Stede that had formed in the whirlwind months since the once-and-for-all banishment of the Kraken. Finding all options deeply lacking, Izzy settled on, “Yours.”
Edward showed his teeth, an easy and sly expression, and leaned very far forward to whisper, “And you’re mine.”
“Still?”
“Mm.” Edward pulled away. His eyes, some of that deep sadness creeping into them again, swept briefly down to the horsey-leg. “If you still want.”Izzy lets himself succumb to the wiles of Stede Bonnet, and in the process receives a lesson in the art of loving Edward Teach.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
26 Jun 2024
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Summary
The open marriage thing had been working for them, really. Ed could fuck her many short-lived crushes in peace, and Izzy still got to be the one she came home to at the end of the day, the one she loved.
Except now Ed wanted to date someone else. Which has never happened before. But it would be fine.
Izzy just needed to distract herself from no longer being romantically exclusive with her wife of 17 fucking years. Maybe fuck the newly-out girl she ran into while sulking at a bar once or twice.Everything was perfectly-fucking-fine.
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
26 Jun 2024
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Summary
Izzy is trying to move on from his trauma. Stede wants to help.
(This is a comic!)
(Update I can’t for the life of me figure out how to embed images I’ve tried everything and red every tutorial 😭 in the meantime you can read it on Twitter: https://x.com/starryredcat/status/1722616593354731943?s=46&t=KjEv9tAjFXiszF0rddVtdQ yes I also can’t embed links 😭)
(Update: IT WORKED!! IT FINALLLY WORKED OMG!!! Thank you SO MUCH @killerweasel on Twitter for your help, you were very patient I couldn't have done it without you!!)
Bookmarked by patchwork_blatherskite
16 Jun 2024