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The Amazing Fantastical Circus! (the atrocious fucking clowns) by royxjamie
Fandoms: Ted Lasso (TV)
12 Sep 2026
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Summary
“Yes. They saw him last night. You know they cannot lie to me.”
Ted nodded, his face dropping to a disappointment. “Golly-gee. That’s rough! We're called The Amazing Fantastical Circus! That isn't too amazing or fantastical of our star performer."
"More the atrocious fucking clowns," Roy whispered under his breath. For a circus, they were lacking in the clown makeup and clothes.
"I heard that," Ted wrinkled his mustache. "Anywho, bring the monkey-cat here, pretty please? I want to hear it from that cat’s mouth.”
In the world of myhtical creatures and whimsy, Roy handles a circus full of muppets. There is one that has a secret and the reason for his sticky fingers.
Series
- Part 1 of the amazing fantastical circus au
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Paddy could practically feel the sigh of relief whoosh through the phone. But that relief was gone and it was a stern tone thundering through the speaker, “What the fuck did he do?”
“Um. Well.” Paddy wasn't sure how he would phrase this properly. It was a rip-off-of-the-bandaid type of situation. There was no other way to put it. “He, um, was in yer office.”
“Okay…” Roy was listening, waiting for the news that would make him leave the conference (party) early.
“I caught him…” Paddy took a breath, “Pissing on Madonna,” he continued, trailing off in a small voice. Maybe he should have worded that differently.
There was silence on Roy's end. Paddy could hear the deep breaths of Roy trying to keep his anger under control. The last thing they both needed was Roy getting barred from attending future conferences.
“I'll be home in an hour.” Roy didn’t sound as angry as Paddy expected, but the tension in his voice was unmistakable. Jamie was going to get it the moment Roy walked through the door for pissing on the fern.
Jamie does something stupid. Paddy tells Roy. Roy is forced to go home to handle it.
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To Jamie, that was his whole life being dragged across the mud. He had told Roy, in confidence, the five things he loved in life that he couldn’t live without.
1. Mummy
2. Roy
3. Hair
4. Football
5. RoyOn some days, depending on where they stood, hair would be above Roy and he was on the list twice. As of right now, Roy was at the very bottom.
Roy said something rude. It really hurt Jamie's feelings. There's only one way to get the prick back to bed...
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After a spat with her mum about her dad, Phoebe wishes on a stick-on star to know where her father is. It was a stupid wish. Embarrassing even.
That all changes when Phoebe overhears her mum and uncle talking about her dad. She finds out he's living in Manchester and her uncle's headed there that same night.
Coincidence?
Possibly.
But Phoebe was never the one to ignore a coincidence.
Determined, Phoebe does something utterly stupid. She sets out to find her father in Manchester and accidentally loops in Jamie Tartt.
The two set out on a journey with half of the world looking for Phoebe. But Phoebe's got a satchel full of wish granting stars that'll help them in a pinch - right?
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Roy tells Jamie a bedtime story of how he first met Georgie.
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“Nice drawings. Very Picasso.”
“Done by yours truly.” Roy gives him the eye. “It has your signature written all over.”
Little Jamie loved to doodle smiley faces as his signature for every drawing he made and these documents were littered with them.
“Me?!” Jamie gasps. “Weren't me!”
“Then who?”
“Um, a happy ghost?”
Roy's not too happy about having to redo paperwork thanks to Jamie.
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“We caught him speeding through a stop sign and refusing to stop—”
“Speeding through a fucking stop?!” Roy snapped viciously, his hands curling in tight fists. He didn't mean to interrupt the officer, but his rage couldn't be restrained.
Jamie's shit-eating grin dropped the second Roy's anger was unleashed. He knew the second he walked through the door Roy wasn't going to hold back — he never did.
Officers escort Jamie home after they caught him drunk driving. Roy's not happy.
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“Ha, ha.” Jamie took a sip of his mug, uncaring of Roy's spit germs. “Yer silly to think I wouldn't drink yer spit. We snogged and shared gum, doh. I call this a secret ingredient.”
“Oh, I see.” Roy smirked at him, his eyes darkening—this was a look Jamie knew well. Roy had an idea and whatever it was, it looked to be devious. “Want me to add an extra secret ingredient to that?”
Jamie narrowed his eyes. “What are you on about?”
“You'd drink my spit but would you drink my heavy cream?” Roy patted his lap and it took Jamie a second to understand exactly what Roy was getting at.
Where Jamie helps Roy cream into his hot chocolate.
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- Part 3 of Treats of Delight
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Jamie eats all the cookies for the yoga mums and gets glitter all over the house.
Roy’s not too happy!
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Sighing, he gets up and goes over to the front door, peeking out the window.
Jamie pales.
Like a jumpscare, he's taken by a horrible surprise that makes every single cell in his body freeze. His throat gets tight and his stomach drops, curdling the bile that slowly makes its way up his throat.
It’s his dad standing outside on their porch.
Freshly washed, holding flowers, and wearing a navy blue, wrinkle-free suit.
Jamie panics when his dad tries to visit him after two years, and he has a panic.
Roy's not too happy about it.
Series
- Part 3 of a/b/o au
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Jamie sprains his ankle and hides it from everyone.
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“Is that a fucking dog bed?” The question sounds ridiculous coming out.
Jamie shrugs, unbothered. “Still a bed, innit?”
“For dogs, Jamie.”
“Woof, woof,” Jamie barks, tongue out at him. “It's comfy.”
“It's for Labradors.”
Jamie pouts. “It’s a bed that you can fuck me on or watch me wank off. Take yer pick, twat.”
Roy takes a moment to decide.
Technically, it was a bed.
Roy recounts his first hookup with Jamie and needs help figuring out if he's a furry or a man who enjoys pet play.
Series
- Part 3 of how to zoom like Jamie Tartt
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Roy and Jamie go on a first date.
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The room suddenly felt much quieter.
It was happening now, the truth finally catching up to Keeley. All the excuses and assumptions she made blew up in her face, and it fucking hurt. No longer could she blind herself to the signs that were there from the beginning—she ignored them all because she allowed herself to.
Keeley goes to stop a supposed bar fight Roy’s in and finds out it’s not what it seems.
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Bex shows up to Jamie's door with a surprise.
Roy shows up to Jamie's door to be surprised.
Jamie is just so fucking tired.
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Jamie breaks away when he hears a gruff sniffle and looks to Roy, whose gaze is so loving and sweet, eyes just as wet as his. He’s seen all the sides of Roy’s gorgeous (sexy) face, from the anger on the pitch to vulnerable pleasures in bed—this one was new, and it was making him whimper.
It's only 9 am, and the waterworks are starting up. The little stick told them he was positive, and the dozens more Roy forced him to do to make sure—all that and it still didn't sink in until now.
It’s officially official.
They’re going to be parents.
Series
- Part 2 of a/b/o au
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Just another normal day at Nelson Road Stadium.
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Violent desires and love mingling—he knows he loves Jamie, would die for Jamie, and kill for Jamie, yet he wants to hurt Jamie, tear into Jamie, and own Jamie. Jamie is the same with him, wanting that pain and love and acceptance for wanting those two things to coexist in his life without judgment.
Roy snaps out of his thoughts when Jamie’s voice breaks through to him.
“Did I do good, Roy?”
“Always.” He says it with no need to think about it. “Always a good lad you are.”
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Roy and Jamie play fetch at the park.
Series
- Part 2 of how to zoom like Jamie Tartt
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They get cock-blocked in the worst way possible.