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Stede and Ed's relationship ended months ago, but Stede hasn't been able to let it go. He's amazed when Ed agrees to participate in The Ex-House with him, sharing a tiny house on live television for six weeks to win the grand prize.
“Hello, Edward!” he says, forcing brightness. Remembers to look at his face - two seconds at a time is perfectly acceptable, look at the face, not directly into the eyes - tries to remember to turn his lips up into a friendly smile. Behind Ed, the door whooshes closed again and leaves them in silence.
Ed’s fully clad in leather, which is always a good look for him. Slight hint of eyeliner. One arm bare, showing off the winding snake tattooed into his skin. Beard trimmed short. Hair up, as well, properly styled. Small silver dagger earring dangling from one ear.
He looks unapproachably hot. The kind of guy that would skim over Stede without a second glance. The kind of guy that would sniff out Stede’s oddness in a second and push Stede down as a way to lift himself up. There are probably people watching on their televisions right now, wondering how the hell the two people in this room were ever together in the first place.
Series
- Part 1 of The Ex-House
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 65,131
- Chapters:
- 9/9
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 1,298
- Kudos:
- 521
- Bookmarks:
- 126
- Hits:
- 8,671
Bookmarked by piratereader
04 Jun 2025
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Edward Teach moved to suburbia for a change. He's been wanting a change for a long time, but so far nothing has stuck, instead he finds himself bored and tired, and most of all lonely. Until one evening there's a knock at his door and he opens it to a sleeping handsome blonde who asks to pick up his order for fries and a shake.
Night after night, Ed finds out his neighbor sleepwalks, and each time he sets his work aside and goes out to keep him company. And night by night he wonders what Stede might be like when he's awake. Because despite the fact Ed knows he's just another dream to Stede, he feels as if he's found a best friend he's never had.
Bookmarked by piratereader
09 Jan 2025
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The guy sitting next to Ed is kind of, and by kind of Ed means completely, covered in blood.
Like, a lot of blood.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,579
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 320
- Kudos:
- 829
- Bookmarks:
- 146
- Hits:
- 3,629
Bookmarked by piratereader
31 Aug 2024
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Stede draws his attention back to the head massage, alternating pressure from the kind of bruising that’s enough to knead a migraine away, to gentle, delicate strokes through his hair. He grows almost meditative with it, forcing his eyes away from Ed’s face and simply enjoying the feeling of body heat and cool, damp-silk hair against his palms. Truthfully, he could do this for hours, rather than the usual three-to-five minutes that’s usually afforded to customers when they…
When…
It’s been longer than three-to-five minutes.
A quick glance at the clock reveals it’s been far, far longer than three-to-five minutes.
Stede doesn’t mind, obviously. And Ed doesn’t seem to be about to question it. But the snide little Lucius-like voice in the back of his mind points out that almost twenty fucking minutes is maybe a bit of an overkill.
Stede yanks his hands away from Ed’s hair like it’s covered in bleach.
“Okey-doke!” Stede manages, voice shrill and a little strangled.
From across the salon, the real Lucius snorts.
(OR: Stede's a hair stylist. Ed shows up for an appointment. And shows up. And shows up. And shows up...)
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A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... or, very recently, in a nearby convention center.
Ed Teach is learning to do what makes him happy, and that means taking his inner child to a Star Wars convention. Stede Bonnet is a popular cosplayer who took up the hobby after his divorce.
Ed definitely for sure does not have a crush on him.
Series
- Part 1 of our flag means a galaxy far far away
Bookmarked by piratereader
06 May 2024
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Edward Teach is a pop star about to embark on his latest tour when he develops vocal nodes. Stede Bonnet is the voice specialist who treats him. Sparks fly.
“Right. And could you please describe your singing voice to me? Or sing something you feel showcases your voice, if you feel comfortable. For my usual clientele, I’d suggest their go-to audition song, but I don’t get the sense that you do much auditioning.”
There’s a long pause during which Stede takes note of the guy’s eyes. Not a literal case note, that would be inappropriate. His eyes are large and brown and expressive, quicksand eyes. Eyes a person could get lost in. Right now, they’re slightly narrowed at Stede. He seems to decide something.
“Listen,” the client says. “I appreciate you not wanting to make it weird, but I promise I’m used to it.”
“Used to it?” Stede asks, and there go the eyes again. Stede has the oddest sense of being taken apart, exposed, like the recurring dream he has of walking through the halls of his secondary school without a single stitch of clothing on, down to the same vague, unsettling sense that it should be more awkward than it is.
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Ed's minding his business when the new neighbor's kid comes around holding a human puppet. It's creepy as hell, but as soon as the kid's father rounds the corner, Ed doesn't mind.
ETA: Podfic available here from Kninjaknitter my darling dearest
“Hello,” says the strangest voice Ed’s ever heard, jolting him out of his reverie, sending his heart speeding into chaos.He opens his eyes and he’s staring straight at a stuffed animal in the shape of a human person. It is bald with a tiny hat and too-big eyes and it wears a blue shirt and a name tag that says Jeffy in the sort of scrawl normally reserved for words written in blood.
A puppet, he realizes several seconds beyond when it would have been appropriate to respond.
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There's a thought Stede has never thought before.
He's finally ready to think it, and to meet himself on the other side.
*
A slow, meandering exploration about coming out.
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Ed meets Stede on a beach in Barbados a month before the Revenge is finished. Ed decides that kidnapping a wealthy (handsome) man might break the monotony of being Blackbeard. Stede is a little too on board with being kidnapped.
Basically, an alternate meeting slow-burn AU, with lots of humor, hijinks, and building sexual and romantic tension.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 118,021
- Chapters:
- 35/35
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 1,407
- Kudos:
- 2,195
- Bookmarks:
- 497
- Hits:
- 54,056
Bookmarked by piratereader
22 Jun 2023
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Jaded, grief-stricken rock legend Edward Teach was only trying to find a new pet. But life -- or rather the magical Lighthouse Sanctuary -- had a different plan for him. This is a tale about finding home within yourself and in the people you bring into your life, and a love so great it makes a house come alive.
Or, modern day AU slow burn featuring a pining Ed, a clueless Stede, found family, roughly a million animals, and a very magical house.
Series
- Part 2 of The Merry Strays of Lighthouse Sanctuary
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 115,925
- Chapters:
- 11/11
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 800
- Kudos:
- 602
- Bookmarks:
- 173
- Hits:
- 14,321
Bookmarked by piratereader
30 Mar 2023
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Edward Teach wants some towels. He logs in to the chat function on the Bounding Baths & Berths (BB&B) website to get some advice. But the customer service representative has perhaps a bit more to offer than thread counts...
The following is based on the below Tweet of an actual customer service interaction on [REDACTED]'s corporate website:
Q: Is the Feather Grey more grey or taupe? Picture looks tan/taupe.
A: Hi there Debra, thanks for reaching out to us! The Feather Grey color is a warm, lustrous grey similar to that which you would see on the feathers of a dove when lit by sunrise. We hope you’ll enjoy this stylish new collection as part of your ensemble, have a fabulous day from all of us at BB&B!
Bookmarked by piratereader
29 Mar 2023
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- Words:
- 50,086
- Works:
- 4
- Bookmarks:
- 86
Bookmarked by piratereader
21 Feb 2023
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For ten years, Mary Allamby Bonnet has barely given any thought to her "late" husband Stede. She's been far too busy enjoying her life as his wealthy widow. Until the night that Stede appears at her door, badly wounded, in the arms of the most feared pirate in history.
Until that moment Mary had never truly believed the Wanted posters that claimed Stede as a "known associate" of Blackbeard's. Yet here he is, in her home, less the legendary pirate captain than simply Stede's Ed, a man terrified of losing the love of his life. He won't, though. Not if Mary has anything to say about it.
Or, Mary and Ed nurse Stede back to health and in doing so form a friendship.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 15,672
- Chapters:
- 4/4
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 181
- Kudos:
- 1,841
- Bookmarks:
- 420
- Hits:
- 16,481
Bookmarked by piratereader
15 Feb 2023
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the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce by veeagainst
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
17 Jan 2023
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Ed's a time travelling soldier from the 22nd century. Stede's a gay nightclub owner in 1934 Berlin. They're about to fall for each other like a ton of bricks.
Also Spanish Jackie invented time travel, and Izzy's up to something bad, as per usual.
As Wee John would say, ‘Does it even make sense?’
Written for JanuAUry, day 16, prompts - time travel, 20th century
PLEASE read the notes for some content warnings before you read the fic.
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 25,265
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 422
- Kudos:
- 555
- Bookmarks:
- 176
- Hits:
- 5,995
Bookmarked by piratereader
04 Feb 2023
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- Words:
- 13,970
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 48
Bookmarked by piratereader
28 Jan 2023
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Edward Teach has had a long and storied career as a vampire hunter. He’s been hired for a straightforward job—slay Stede Bonnet, the Gentleman Vampyre. But things don’t turn out exactly the way Ed had planned…
Bookmarked by piratereader
25 Jan 2023
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Stede and Ed - in a flash of either stupidity or genius - come up with a plan to pose as a couple for the holidays. This way, Stede could avoid being set up by Lucius as well as having to come up with a reason why his mysterious partner suddenly wouldn't make the Christmas party Lucius is hosting. It should be easy, in theory. It's only for the party, and maybe the odd time Stede and Ed are seen together in the days leading up to the event.
Except, of course, it isn't.
Because not only does this simple plan get painfully out of hand from the onset, they've been in love with each other for years. They just never told one another. And, they don't intend to.A modern day holiday romcom.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 59,977
- Chapters:
- 13/13
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 540
- Kudos:
- 487
- Bookmarks:
- 115
- Hits:
- 6,266
Bookmarked by piratereader
13 Jan 2023
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Stede is divorced, rebuilding a life in the UK and working at Jim's non-profit community centre. His 6-month stay is running out and, well, turns out a fake marriage is an option to stay, because tropes are fun. Ed's got his own shit going on, you'll find out more in later chapters, but he thinks a sham marriage to this weird guy is probably going to at least be a bit of a laugh. Will update weekly.
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“No, no, absolutely not, Lucius, you didn’t tell me he looked like that!”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Lucius!” Stede hisses. “He’s gorgeous, we are not doing this!”
Lucius is saying something but Stede honestly has no idea what it is because blood is pounding in his ears and the pub has almost entirely emptied and this night has very much gotten away from him and the most stunningly beautiful man has just walked in. And Stede has had four glasses of horrible wine and god, all that leather, and Christ almighty, look at his hair. His hair.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 38,568
- Chapters:
- 8/8
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 775
- Kudos:
- 1,944
- Bookmarks:
- 451
- Hits:
- 24,235
Bookmarked by piratereader
11 Jan 2023
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All right, all right, you guys ready? C’mere, pipsqueak. There you go. All right, let’s begin.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,386
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 156
- Kudos:
- 408
- Bookmarks:
- 74
- Hits:
- 1,910
Bookmarked by piratereader
04 Jan 2023
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"So what brings you out here anyway?"
Ed's out of the blue question at least answers Stede's anxieties about radio etiquette. He pulls the walkie from his pack and stares at it, deciding how much of his life he actually wants to share with this complete stranger.
"What brings you out here?"
or: Stede takes a job as a remote forest fire lookout in the summer following his divorce, with a plan to find out who he is, and what he wants his life to be. With the help of the enigmatic lookout on the other side of the forest, he ends up getting more out of the experience than he could ever have hoped.
Series
- Part 1 of seven point three miles
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 19,776
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 8
- Comments:
- 345
- Kudos:
- 1,650
- Bookmarks:
- 607
- Hits:
- 18,562
Bookmarked by piratereader
04 Jan 2023