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You’re a ghost. You’ve been one for as long as you can remember. Which is.. not that long, you’re pretty sure. You’re haunting the empty house you’re bound to one day when a pretty woman enters and discovers your body. What follows is dozens of strangers who all seemed to know you coming to your home with attempts to contact you and ‘realize you.’ Whatever that means.
They seem like good people, it’s a shame you can’t remember who they are.
Bookmarked by LosingKT (Quillity)
01 Mar 2026
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Sail long enough with anyone as a pirate and you’re bound to get a reputation, make an enemy or two. Sail with Blackbeard for any length of time, and you’re bound to make a considerable number of enemies. Sail with Blackbeard for near three decades as his First Mate, and you’ve pissed off half the ocean before you’ve even got up for breakfast. Izzy found that easy to forget sometimes, from the comfort of his now rather cosey and enjoyable (in comparison) role as First Mate on the Revenge. They went about their business, raiding where necessary, but generally keeping it to a minimum and keeping it fairly clean in relation to their recent antics. It was easy to forget the years of bloodshed that had followed them around, the years of grudges, of tit for tat deaths, blood on their hands. It was easy to forget just how many enemies he and Ed truly had out there. Until you, your Captain and two crew mates are being dragged, gagged and bound, on board a ship that was looking rather familiar to Izzy for some reason…
“Israel Hands, as I live and breathe!” Well, shit.
What if Izzy and Stede were locked together in a room for hours. Well, they'd have to communicate then, wouldn't they?
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After Ed has moved out, Izzy is having a rough time of it, but this changes one night when Stede accidentally runs into Izzy outside a community kitchen.
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"Stop with this nonsense, Iz, it's an order." tears were pouring down his cheeks now. Izzy didn't even blink. He just stared.
"I can't stay."
Ed shook his head in disbelief."I need you...here."
"...with me."
Just a second. He almost missed it, but just for a moment so fleeting he thought he imagined it, Izzy's eyes flashed with anger. An Imperceptible bite of betrayal before his body went completely still in Ed's arms.
the ship fell silent. They were all looking at him now."... "
"Izzy."
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Izzy survives the crew's escape from the ruins of the Republic of Pirates by a hair's breadth. Stuck in a dilapidated cabin with the unrequited love of his life and the former bane of his existence, he has nothing but time. Time to rest, time to heal, and time to see if a bullet to the guts can carve a grizzly path to a life he never thought possible.
Series
- Part 2 of Coax You Out
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we couldn't get the rights to "amor prohibido" by andiforyou for vampireshmampire (thekumquat)
Fandoms: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
04 Nov 2023
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An untold amount of stairs later, a new setting: the de la Cruz Residence, as it’s labeled on-screen. It’s warm and inviting and perfectly lived-in. It looks like it smells like cinnamon and chamomile tea. It does, and it is also home to two members of the most prolific North American vampire-slaying family.
“The job of a vampire slayer is not an easy one. It’s very dangerous. Vampires aren’t anything like the movies, but they’re still vampires after all.”
Guillermo has a secret. Nandor gets a rude awakening. The documentary crew doesn't know what they signed up for.
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Guillermo returns to Staten Island from England angry, exhausted, and determined to keep himself at a distance from the maniacal, pathetic, self-centered vampires he once called family.
His resolve lasts for about five minutes.
Instead, he finds himself in a semi-accidental deep dive into parenthood, hand in irritable hand with one pompous, goth dandy.
And, surprisingly enough, a decade's worth of longing for his Na-for Nandor hasn't just up and disappeared now that Guillermo has a boyfriend. Who would have thought?
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If he had been younger, maybe. Twenty years before he would have gotten on his knees and begged, and maybe he would have been allowed to stay. But Izzy had lived for the better part of four decades on this earth, there wasn’t much else for him out there, and the bottom line was that Edward did not need him anymore - and Izzy was tired. He was so goddamn tired.
“Are you quitting on me, Iz?” Edward asked, speaking for the first time, and his eyes had a mix of rage, longing and heartbreak that made him want to keel over and die. Bonnet fell silent, mouth gaping open, but he couldn’t even appreciate the absence of sound - his heart drummed so loudly it felt like his head was a drum. Thump-thump.Thump-thump.
“I will leave the ship at the next port,” he repeated, looking Edward straight in the eyes, “Captain.”
(In which Stede comes back, and Izzy struggles until he learns how to lean on.)
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Izzy knows what happens to old sea dogs. It’s time to put himself down.
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"Finally, Adolfo tasted the fruits of his labor, that burst of salt on his tongue and the distinct hardness of Matthew's—"
Guillermo snapped the book shut and threw it in his bedside drawer, slamming it closed. He lived alone but still felt exactly like when he was a kid, hiding his beat-up copy of Interview with the Vampire.
It didn't matter, anyway. He knew exactly what happened next in Nandor's book, had read it maybe four times now (just in case he'd missed something those first three times).
Nandor writes a priest-vampire erotica book. Father Guillermo finally snaps after reading a priest-vampire erotica book. This is a love story.
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Co-Authored prompt fill: Izzy works at a brothel after he gets kicked off the ship. Stede finds him but doesn’t tell Ed because he finds the idea of Izzy whoring himself out to be oddly thrilling. Ed finds out somehow and has insane possessive hate-sex with Izzy and buys out his contract from the madam.
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never regretted the day i called you mine by ilokheimsins
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
27 Jun 2023
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Izzy works hundred hour weeks, wakes at dawn and sometimes before, has four different monitors aside from his laptop at work and at home each to keep everything neat and separated and so he can work from either place, subsists on five coffees a day - black with two extra shots at 7 am and 2 pm and with one cream the other three times, occasionally sleeps from his office’s pullout couch with the blanket he has stashed there to save himself a commute, and is probably single handedly responsible for keeping the bodega around the corner afloat with how much of their ready-made food he eats.
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Israel Hands has been Lead Engineer for Blackbeard Tech for a decade. Everything in his life is neatly regimented until Stede fucking Bonnet and his team get foisted on them and Izzy's fired.
He...definitely knows what to do with all this time he suddenly has. Obviously, he's going to...pick up a hobby, or something. That's a thing people do, right? Pick up hobbies?
(Aka Stede accidentally smashes a questionably intact marriage and then glues it back together)
Series
- Part 1 of Our Flag Means Death Works
- Part 1 of how Izzy Hands became a real boy
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Izzy looks over at Stede, gingerly attempting to coo at a cat that hates him while she shreds his expensive, fancy slippers to pieces. His heart aches in a new and terrible way that has nothing to do with Ed, for once. ‘If you’re sure.’
The smile Stede gives him is warm, a weighty significance to it that Izzy doesn’t know how to read. ‘I am.’
Or, Izzy finds himself at the centre of the ocean's weirdest found family, and acquires two boyfriends along the way.
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“I swore to protect Edward. Fucked that right up.”
“Could be you were protecting him from the wrong things. Try better next time.”
Izzy snorts. There won’t be a next time.
(Izzy Hands ends up in a time loop, grows as a person, and gets what he needs)
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“You must have balls of motherfucking steel, to show your face after what you did.”
Ed is used to Jackie. It’d been several years since he’d last set foot in Jackie’s tavern—while he continued to send Izzy to the Republic to handle business, he hadn’t gone himself since he’d begun to grow jaded with the whole ‘dread pirate Blackbeard’ schtick—but he remembered all of Jackie’s little idiosyncrasies. It was rather hard to forget watching Jackie shoot a man dead to stop a bar brawl, after all.
Ed isn’t used to being on the business end of Jackie’s gun, but he’s not exactly worried—yet. He’s come to retrieve his runaway first mate, and while he doesn’t understand what he did, as Jackie had put it, the fact that Jackie is shoving the barrel of her gun in-between his eyes is all the proof he needs that Izzy is somewhere in the tavern.
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Izzy never meant to unleash the kraken. He thought that Ed understood that.
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An accident leaves Izzy with memory loss — Stede and the crew struggle to come to terms with the affable man who’s suddenly replaced their irascible first mate.
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What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor? by Internerdionality
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
13 Sep 2023
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A fluffy, feel-good Izzy-centric fic, in which the crew takes the matter of their problematic, pent-up first mate into their own hands. The weapon of choice is seduction. The goal, to watch Izzy squirm.
(There will be significant GentleBeard in the background, because I can't leave any of our precious pirates out in the cold!)
Based on this tumblr thread (and fanart, go check it out!) suggesting that the crew make a wager on who could seduce Izzy the fastest.
Series
- Part 1 of Drunken Sailor
- Part 29 of Inty's Our Flag Means Death Works
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Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night by MsThunderFrost
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
24 Mar 2023
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“Easy there, captain.” Roach abandons the half-placed bandages in favor of retrieving a cup of water from the bedside table. Sliding a hand behind Stede’s back to prop him up just far enough to prevent choking, he helps him to take a few small sips, “You can have more in a bit. Drink too much at once and you’re liable to upchuck all over your expensive linens.”
“T-Thank you, Roach.” His voice is scarce above a whisper, and even sustaining that seems to be causing him immense pain. “What… What happened to me? I feel like death.” Roach lowers him back down onto the bed to continue fussing with his bandages.
“There was a storm.” He says, matter-of-fact. “You took a nasty blow to the head and fell overboard.” He casts a sidelong glance in Izzy’s direction. Now that Stede is awake, Izzy seems determined to look anywhere and everywhere else—“Izzy saved you.”
Silence. Then, “Iggy saved me.” He repeats, like the idea is so ludicrous he doesn’t even need to make it a question. “You’re joking.”
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The lookout spots the ship just after dawn: a little schooner sailing due east, flying Dutch colors and with a storm brewing in her wake. Waste of time, Izzy thinks, but Edward gets some wild fucking hair and decides to chase the fucking thing. All of Izzy's extremely valid points about the (very large) size of the storm and the (very small) size of the ship in question are roundly ignored in favor of a growled imprecation about his parentage and a backhand that knocks him halfway across the cabin, so he takes his smarting cheek and battered pride and limps up to the deck to order the pursuit.
Izzy Hands and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad
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Summary
Getting Nandor back would have been a lot easier if
a) Guillermo's turning had worked out the way it should have
b) people didn't keep trying to kill his little family for no reason
c) everyone could keep it in their pants.Not necessarily in that order. Guillermo likes to call it "a work in progress".
Series
- Part 3 of Love is stored in the polycule